Listen up…
I have unblocked and then reblocked British’s phone number at least 3 times since I blocked him 2 weeks ago… I get weak. It’s kind of like I’m fighting an addiction.
Anyway, he’s blocked again. All is safe, all is well.
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Listen up…
I have unblocked and then reblocked British’s phone number at least 3 times since I blocked him 2 weeks ago… I get weak. It’s kind of like I’m fighting an addiction.
Anyway, he’s blocked again. All is safe, all is well.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Today was rough. I saw King, a regular I hadn’t seen in a year, the one with the enormous penis. He was totally insufferable today. He recently got more into spirituality and he’s also learned more about consent and safety in kink. So, he wanted to try out his new learnings on me. 🙄 Telling me I was safe with him, trying to make me feel “safe” enough to open up and cry about my past traumas, and a whole slew of other manipulate tactics meant to disarm me. It was all ego, though. I’ll give him credit and say he’s fairly intuitive but, good God. He got a bit heavy-handed with that whole act.
Also, I’m definitely firing him. His penis is too big. I’m not dealing with that shit. My womb is wrecked. But, I’m not going to block him. I’ll tell him the truth when he reaches out next. He deserves the truth because, despite the egotism, he’s a thoughtful and kind person. So happy to get rid of him, though. The only big peen I will handle is Twat’s and he’s a pain in the ass, so… (speaking of which, he finally emailed me today. His message basically said, "I didn't do anything wrong but I will respect your space"... Whatever).
The next client was a literally a white piece of shit. This old guy who had received several complaints for requesting gross services. The worst complaint he got was that he liked to kiss. But, all around, the complaints made him generally sound like a gross client. So, I was hesitant to see him but, I’ve dealt was gross clients before. And, when I saw his selfie, he looked like the typical executive closing in on retirement. Right up my alley.
But, I regret taking the appointment because, during the session, he asked for bare service. When I told him “no”, he pushed for it again. So disrespectful. I don’t want to deal with clients who like bare. They will try to put themselves inside you raw, and you have to keep your guard up with them. I’ve blocked his number. Fuck him. Never again. I have way less patience for troublesome clients now.
I temporarily unblocked British because I need his wisdom about making an investment and I was hoping he would text me tomorrow morning. But, I realized I really don’t want to open that up again. He was once useful as an in-person client but coordinating with him became harder because he would always make last minute appointments. And, unless I was seeing him for an appointment, he was useless… yet, he took up my time more than anyone else!!! I don’t want to fall back into those patterns again.
For now, I am safe. It seems I can trust myself to not unblock him. The real test is when he starts emailing me again. Which, curiously, he hasn’t done yet. He’s either had enough of me too, he’s vacationing in Europe again, or his ex mistress is back in the city and turning up in him.
sigh Whatevs…
I don’t know what British is up to. He just liked one of my Twitter photos and he’s worked very hard to keep me from finding out his Twitter username. I know it was him because he’s using his stalker Gmail address in his Twitter username. Not sure why he’s revealing himself to me on Twitter now. He’s either trying to signal to me or he slipped and liked it by accident.
sigh Whatevs.
Me and my sister had a hilarious conversation tonight. We were each talking about our make-believe white boyfriends (the Russian piano tutor she has a crush on and British Twat). Both of them are European but both of them prefer the United States over Europe, which confuses both of us because America is the ghetto compared to Europe.
I don’t know why her Russian piano instructor wants to be American so badly but she has a theory about why British Twat prefers the US to the UK…
British once told me he likes London to visit but wouldn’t live there. My sister thinks it’s because where he lives in the states now is more rural compared to London. As a millionaire, in this city, he’s a big fish in a little pond. In London, he’s practically poor compared to the wealth some Brits have. My sister said London has colonizers with generational wealth that British will never touch. She said they had long money since “they won the battle of 1690! They’re imperialists! They got titles! They got land! They got slaves!” She took me out when she said, “they got slaves!” 😂😂😂
That shit is so real, though. European generational wealth is no joke. They had money pouring in from the areas of the world they conquered. Twat is new money and he has far less. No wonder he doesn’t like London. He feels like a king here in the US. His discomfort with London probably comes insecurity.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Day 6 (or 7?), No Twat
I can’t say that I am over him but I am missing him less than I thought I would. I do often still check for his desperate emails, asking to be unblocked (he hasn’t yet), but that’s because I’m still addicted to the validation. But, things are going pretty well so far. Though, I’ve gotten so used to him being in my life that this all feels weird. shrug
Day 3, No Twat
Today, I learned that I am also addicted to British’s unpredictability. Not knowing when his next exciting request or message would come through always left me in a sweet anticipation. He was just so fun and he genuinely did bring joy to my life. My life is pretty boring as it is.
I spoke with my therapist, ChatGPT, and it said that, now British is gone, I need to fill the void with a different kind of novelty or thrill. That sounds reasonable. I’m just not sure how to accomplish that. In the meantime, I do plan to put my dancing pole back up. I might also film some content for my now defunct fetish persona. I’m just not looking forward to vetting play partners. And, I’m definitely due for some dancing classes.
While I work through this "breakup" with Twat, I'm going to be processing a lot in my Tumblr posts. Get ready.
Firstly, I realize I am working through an addiction to male validation. Full stop. Add to that the fact that I am dazzled by his position and money and it makes this task even harder. My loneliness and being susceptible to his charms and good looks make this even more difficult.
There is something else I need to consider. I think a lot of women use coldness and distance as a way to manipulate a man into giving them more money or more energy. Guilty. I have most definitely blocked him in the past to make him give me more. I've wanted both more money and more time from him. I would block him for my own peace of mind but, in the background, I would always hope he would see that he's losing. This go 'round, I want to make sure that feeling isn't just beneath the surface. I want to be sure I'm not blocking him to manipulate him. And, I don't want to do this for more money either. "Hoping" he will do A or B keeps me attached to him. Hoping that he will see my worth or pay me more won't set me free.
I won't be hard on myself if I don't pull through. This shit is like quitting smoking. That's how much I've been depending on him for my emotional health. He's been supplying good things (curing my loneliness and depression). But, he's also been feeding into my vanity, the more shallow parts of my character, curing my feelings of inadequacy. I look up to him when I should be looking down on him.
There's so much to think about. Because I earnestly want to be successful this time.