It’s so hard to let yourself feel pain you’ve been holding back for months, or just not fully letting the situation and the events that came in fully solidify. You know they happened, you know it hurts, but you’re not letting yourself cry over it. You’re not letting yourself feel the impact it has on you because you were too aware that the pain would be overwhelming.
When someone rips your heart out and hands it back to you in the worst possible manner, after everything you did for them, after all of the emotional turmoil they out you through for a year, after they ruined how you saw yourself for years because of how they treated you when you were a teenager, and yet you wanted to believe in the best in people and gave them a second chance because you desperately wanted to think people can change. When that turns out not to be the case, it hits the night it happens, but after that, you just don’t let yourself feel it.
It doesn’t give you an emotional response. You can feel the hurt nagging at the back of your mind, but you don’t let it settle. It means reliving everything, and while you’re ready to start working through things, you’re not ready to feel it yet. You can’t feel it yet. You won’t let yourself feel it yet.
Making a split second decision to go through everything and finding one thing that finally allows you to finally let things settle and feel the impact, to cry, to grieve, and let a sense of relief build. When you finally stop completely blaming yourself, just because you finally grasp that it was never actually your fault and no amount of guilt or self hate is going to change that. When the one thing someone could have possibly said to you just finally allowed you to get started on actually coming to terms with how much you’re allowed to hurt, right when you needed it the most.
I could never get through this without my friends. The care they have for me is the only reason I’m still here and able to function, and their actions and words can’t be replaced, and I could never thank any of them enough for all that they’ve done during this situation, how they’ve helped me grieve slowly, reassured me, helped me rationalize, given me love when I needed it the most.
I could never replace any of you. Thank you, for everything you have ever done for me. You mean the world to me and you are irreplaceable in my life.
