#breathingwords

For all those judgemental eyes and mouths . 🌸🌸🌸 . . . . #breathingwords #wordswithqueens #loveforlanguage #love #poets #poetry #poetporn #poetsofinstagram #writeyoung #writinglife #writersofig #writerslife #writersofinstagram #thegoodquote #thescribbledstories #tylerknott #gvo #illustrations #illogicalpoemworld #imagination #loveforlanguage #loveyourself #writersuniverse #bymepoetry

Loving yourself is first and foremost. No one can love you if you don't love you. . . . . . #breathingwords #loveyourself #writercommunity #wordporn #penguinindiabooks #writerslife #jironword #writercommunity #writinglife #poets #poetsofinstagram #writersofinstagram #poetess #poetinme #words #ttt #verse #instagram #wordgame #love #loveforlanguage #youngwritersclub #thescribbledstories #homegrown #poetporn #inspiretowrite #writeyoung #illogicalpoemworld 🌸🌸

I struggle every time i try tell you, even to write down, how you made my feel because words seem superfluous. If i wrote that your nervous touch gave me goosebumps it would be a lie. Because they weren't just goosebumps, they were more than that. Their presence was an involuntary action my body produced at the feel of your clumsy caresses. The hairs on my stomach would raise as my skin became hyperaware of you tracing patterns on my skin, or maybe you were writing stories. I hopelessly tried to interpret your finger movements into words or images but they were meaningless. I used to imagine you were writing to me all the things you couldn't yet say but needed to share. I used to imagine you declaring your love before you were ready to speak the words. My breath would shudder as your fingers passed so incredibly lightly down my side and i shivered. For all i know you could have been tracing pictures of footballs and beer, but i liked to think it was intimate. Maybe i would have reacted the same way if you were drawing meaningless images - in fact the more i think about you - you probably were. You'd probably look back, scoff and tell me i was reading too much into simple goosebumps. You'd think I was naive and over reacting like a frilly little high school girl. I guess I just always thought being intimate was about more than being intimate. 

            The real reason I'm single is because I'm not anybody's first choice. There has always been someone more interesting, exciting, attractive, thinner or smarter than myself. What hurts the most about this is I still think I'd be a good catch. It's just that there is always a better option available. And I can't even be angry at this sort of mentality in people because i do it too. Not only are total strangers my 'competition' to whom i am compared to, but also my closest friends. I should be happy the cute guy at the club is interested in her, and i am, but i was interested first. I don't blame him for choosing her, it's just I'd love to know what it feels like to be a first choice. Just once.               I don't want to settle for just anybody. I want to be chased and i want to feel wanted and i want to want them back. Is that really so much to ask for?

"I can't wait to start living my life." "But you're already living your life," she sighed in defeat, "this is life."   But looking around me i realised this isn't life, at least not the life i want to be living. I want a relationship, a family, good friends, lazy sunday mornings. I want to immerse myself into a different world in an author's novel. I want to wear floaty florals on mondays and black skinnys on wednesdays. I want someone to rub circles into my head as i lay my head against their chest. I want a sheer curtain hanging across our window so the morning light wakes us gently, not the blaring of an alarm. I want to write and paint and laugh and cry. I want to fight, because i want to stand for something. I want to believe in the beauty of the world again. I want people to respect me. I want people to envy me. I want them to want what i have. I want to change everything and nothing. I want to travel and i want to build a home. I want to have friends over for dinners and i want to laugh about past memories. I want random declarations of love. I want little fingers to hold mine. I want to hear someone else's wants, and i want to be a part of their list. I want to be happy. Down right happy.  I want to much more than i have right now. And i don't know if i'll ever get there on this path. if someone could just point me in the right direction i'd give them a big kiss. But there is no guide, there is no book of me for me to rifle through to see where i end up. And i'm scared the life i'm living is wasted. Because i'm never really living in the now if today I'm focused on tomorrow. And what if i do get there. I get to the place i really want. I'll probably want more. 

"How do you do it?" they asked me. "Do what?" "Have it all figured out?"   I looked back in disbelief. Surely they were kidding, they couldn't seriously be asking me for life advice. Me, the person who barely knows if she wants coffee or tea in the morning. Me, the girl who desperately want to just sleep until the sunsets, to avoid daily decisions. Me, the person without future plans or future goals or future dreams. Me, someone who would rather feel than think, only to be held back by my own subconscious. Wrong choice, my thoughts would remind me, that's not going to get you anywhere. I'd be happy though, i'd counter. Happiness isn't going to pay the bills, she would reply. And so i'd be torn between myself. Surely they were not asking me. "You just seem so together, thats all..." At this i couldn't decide whether i was flattered or upset. Flattered because my attempt at appearing normal was working. Upset because they believed it. I wanted to scream at them, i'm not okay, are you crazy! Can't you see that. But I wouldn't. Because there was a reason i kept that part of me hidden. They say time heals all wounds, it's true. It gets to a point where you forget that you were ever hurt. The day starts and you follow the plan and the sun sets and everything is fine. But then there comes a moment when you remember. And remembering isn't just seeing the scar you're left with. No. Remembering is feeling again. The exact same pain. And then some time passes and you've healed. And then you're torn open again. And that pain never really leaves you, because just when you get full function back, the wound returns. And if i went there, back to those memories and scars there's no telling how long it would take me to heal again.  So no, they wouldn't see i was struggling. And i couldn't hold that against them either. For how could they be concerned about me when i showed no worrying signs? They would see the girl with hopes and plans. The girl striving towards some life goal. When really i had not a single ounce of motivation for that day, let alone the rest of my life.  "I don't know," I replied. And that was true, for both their question and mine. I really don't know.  

            I stalked someone on social media and then accidently liked their photo.  Don't laugh. I had stalked their instagram photos well into 6 months of past posts, a person i was not following might i add, and felt my finger double click the screen. Within seconds they would received my liking notification on their homescreen and my life would be over. Unliking the photo wouldn't help, they'd still know i stalked them. My life was over, there was no other option. I had to delete my entire account. But what if they searched me on facebook, wondering who i was. So i raced to my computer, searched them on facebook and blocked them too. Blocked them... oh my God i could have just blocked them on instagram! Idiot!!! I lost my entire account, my 300 photos and dedicated followers in a moment of pure panic. You're probably thinking i took this whole thing to the extreme, that it wasn't that bad, maybe i should have just followed the guy to make it less awkward. Let me spell it out for you: I know this guy from the local area. He's cute and funny and he makes an effort each time to have a genuine conversation and ask where i'll be on the weekend when we see each other. I have no idea who he is, i don't even know his name, and i'm ok with this. As life would have it, a friend of mine shows me a picture of the guy she's been talking to recently - it's him. So now i know his name i find him on facebook and just casually rifle through all his photos and past posts...no biggie. Taking my curiosity further i decide to do the same with his instagram. I now know pretty much his entire life story and he is completely unaware.  Now i can never go back to the local shop. He will recognise me as the girl who liked his photo and then wonder how I knew him. Wonder why i was stalking him. And it will all just be too awkward. And i will be mortified.  I promise to you, i will never stalk someone (so carelessly) ever again...Not someone i know at least!

i'm lost somewhere between who i was, who i am and who i want to be. I had always been someone with goals and determination. My morals were strong and i knew where i wanted to go in the future. But i had moved again, started fresh somewhere new and suddenly everything was different. I was different. I had spent 5 years creating a version of myself that worked perfectly, i achieved good grades in school, had a wide group of friends and was a shoo in for school captain. I was the girl people sought for advice, comfort, or help with schoolwork. But i was never the girl sought out on a friday night, or invited to be part of the 'elite' at school. This group didn't dislike me, just didn't enjoy me. And that was ok too, because it was the next step of my plan. Senior years were about exploring yourself and experimenting with your boundaries and i was on track. I would loose the innocence that people associated with me over the next two years. When i graduated i would be 'the girl.' The girl who won awards, won boys, won friends and won your heart. I wouldn't slip people's memories and respect would follow me where ever i went, because i would emanate that feeling, the feeling of being completely at peace with myself. But of course we moved again, and i had to start from the beginning. The time i had spent gaining people's trust and respect was worthless now. I couldn't disrespect myself enough to throw away all my beliefs at once so i stayed guarded and stayed the same. This was not part of my plan and i saw no way to carry on. Instead i was left stuck  wondering where to go next. I can't go back and i can't go forwards. But I can't stay here either. At moments i see myself as happy. I have wonderful friends, a part-time job and am studying for a high powered career. But then i sit and i think and i find myself questioning everything. Am i a friend because they were nice enough to let me in, or because i bring something unique? Is it easier to keep me on, or am i a valuable asset to my boss? Am i studying in the field i am best suited for, or am i wasting the next 4 years of my life? And then everything i believe suddenly seems so wrong. I know the person i am isn't who i want to be, that the easy bit. Thing is, i don't know who i want to be.