#breakthementalloop

i know i could have written the equivalent of a book by now here and actually in december i started writing my first book but i am still learning how to stop sabotaging my projects one day at a time, reminding my goals maybe not actually working on them daily as i'd wish to but doing my best every day and not forgetting what i started

you know how sometimes you make a wish or trying to manifest something and that is all you want to happen next all you want another person to be for you, in my case-

but God, the universe is like...Naah, not at this time and suddenly something (or a lot of things) happens that RUINS all the plans in your head of *how* what you want will happen because your inner work has reminded you that you deserve your desires

and feels like you're lost back again at the starting point doubting yourself if that manifestation is what you really wanted if then all past choices were wrong to get you there or if you want 'that better thing' the universe has in store for you

but for us (control-freaks) is so scary to trust when you don't know the plan & none to tell you the steps to follow towards what you want

and is confusing how to surrender to the Universe best will while working on keeping your frequency matching what you desire while also allowing yourself to FEEL during the bad days but ALSO emotionally detaching from the thoughts that endure the pain…

noisy, non-compassionate-self thoughts on my mind + other thoughts losing it because i know i should treat myself kindly  even if i don't know WTF I should do but to recalibrate and grow when ONE loving voice reminds me, yelling:

SPA (for english scroll down) Algunas veces me pongo shy (tímida) de escribir "aquí en tumblr" pero se me olvida que esto puede ser solo un draft (borrador), -and never see the sulight- never published, never read by anyone else but me UNLESS i want to (a no ser que quiera) que YO quiera que puedo hablar de lo que quiera y peor caso escenario borrar/editar y volví porque extrañaba este espacio que me empecé a dar que olvidé porque me pongo presión por nada y por todo (?) porque le doy espacio y tiempo a otras actividades no necesariamente las que necesito aka: procrastinar pero here i am, dándome cuenta al menos haciendo cosas que me gustan y disfruto just for fun ese es el nuevo proyecto: crear o servir just for fun JUST FOR FUN no other need (money) or desire (money) for few weeks not thinking i own someone something not even myself but to do things when and because i want to i dont even want to care if someone is unconfortable by it because i am not hurting anyone by giving myself time and space to just be y para por un rato hacer cosas solo porque quiero i am covering my expenses for 6 months y va a ser solo un mes de prueba, en serio no pasa nada malo -imaginemos que de esto i get a living <3-

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"i suck at this! who do i think i am?" and you suck "today is not my day!" and you drop your lunch

"the universe conspires in my favor" and everything is ok! "I can do this!" and you could!

and when you meet your soulmate is a little (too) hard to believe how blessed you are and that you can get out of there without feeling pain

not even started and already overthinking the way out but i got tired, i am tired of this enemy inside of me imagining i will be betrayed and might suffer but would i be? what seeds i've planted?

what makes me think i am not good enough to be forever respected and loyal to? i am loyal, i am loving, i am caring why is so hard to shake this demon from my back?

because i have no current proof that this could end the same way as before i've mentally screamed at my own thoughts at my imagination to stop hurting me