#breakfalls

And stay safe

London's Shodokan Instructor Subdues Violent Assailant Using Balance, Timing And Devastatingly Polite Apology Shodokan Aikido: Ancient Martial Art Offers Rare Opportunity To Be Thrown Across London Without Involving A Landlord LONDON, England – The City of London Shodokan Aikido club has reportedly become one of the capital’s fastest-growing centres for teaching residents how to remain calm while another human being grabs their wrist, disrupts their balance, and sends them toward the floor, an experience previously available only through rush-hour commuting. Shodokan Aikido is a defensive Japanese martial art in which practitioners learn to use an attacker’s movement and momentum against them. This distinguishes it from most London confrontations, where both parties stand completely still while muttering increasingly aggressive versions of “Excuse me.” The club welcomes beginners interested in developing coordination, confidence, fitness, and the ability to fall without immediately contacting a personal-injury solicitor. “I joined because I wanted practical self-defence,” said junior accountant Nigel Bramley, adjusting a white training uniform that made him look like a hospital patient preparing to challenge the radiology department. “Last week, someone reached for the final almond croissant at Pret. I moved off the line, redirected his energy, and secured breakfast without violence.” Bramley admitted the technique failed later that afternoon when a colleague scheduled a meeting for 4:45 p.m. “No martial art can prepare you for that,” he said. Dojo Introduces London-Specific Training Scenarios Instructors have reportedly adapted several exercises for the unique dangers of metropolitan life. One drill teaches students to avoid a charging opponent while carrying a takeaway coffee, an umbrella, two reusable shopping bags, and seventeen unresolved resentments. Another recreates the terrifying moment when a stranger sits beside you on an otherwise empty bus. Advanced students practise maintaining balance while receiving an unexpected service charge. “We begin with simple wrist grabs,” explained fictional instructor Malcolm “The Turnstile” Phipps. “Eventually, students progress to more realistic attacks, such as someone asking whether they can borrow your phone charger.” According to Phipps, the essence of aikido is not overpowering an aggressor but encouraging that person to discover gravity independently. “You are not defeating him,” he said. “You are merely introducing his face to the mat.” British Government Studies Momentum-Based Policy Officials from Whitehall are said to be observing the club’s methods after learning that Shodokan practitioners can transform incoming force into controlled movement. Treasury researchers believe the same principle could be used to redirect inflation, public anger, and awkward questions about infrastructure. Under one proposal, whenever government policy begins moving rapidly in the wrong direction, ministers would step aside gracefully and claim that the collapse was always part of the technique. “Aikido may revolutionise public administration,” said policy analyst Penelope Waffle. “For decades, departments have absorbed criticism directly. The new approach allows criticism to fly past while the minister bows and changes jobs.” The Cabinet Office denied that senior officials were being taught breakfalls, although several permanent secretaries were recently seen rolling safely away from responsibility. Club Members Become Unusually Calm Local residents have noticed that aikido students appear more composed than ordinary Londoners. “They don’t panic, shout, or make sudden movements,” said eyewitness Clarissa Nettleby. “At first I assumed they were Scandinavian.” Researchers at the entirely fictional Institute for Applied Queuing found that six months of aikido training reduced the urge to argue with strangers by 43 percent. The remaining 57 percent was attributed to people standing on the wrong side of an escalator. The study also found that trained practitioners were significantly better at recognising danger. Warning signs included clenched fists, aggressive posture, and anyone beginning a sentence with, “I’m not being funny, but…” Aikido Offers Practical Benefits Beyond Combat Club members insist the discipline is useful even when nobody is attempting to attack them. Balance training helps passengers remain upright on buses. Controlled breathing assists diners receiving restaurant bills. Situational awareness allows pedestrians to detect electric bicycles silently approaching from dimensions not yet recognised by physics. Perhaps most importantly, students learn that strength alone is insufficient. “Timing matters,” said Bramley. “You wait for the correct moment, guide the other person’s movement, and remain relaxed.” He paused. “Unless you’re trying to cancel broadband. Then you need a sword.” The British Aikido Association has promoted Tomiki sport aikido for more than half a century, organising training and competitions in which participants test technique under controlled conditions. London businesses have expressed interest in sponsoring future tournaments, provided the competitors can also remove troublesome customers from pubs without spilling anyone’s drink. Back at the dojo, another class began with students bowing respectfully before practising throws, locks, pins, and the ancient discipline of listening while somebody else speaks. Outside, London continued practising its own martial art: moving rapidly in six directions while refusing to make eye contact. Helpful Advice For Prospective Students Wear comfortable clothing, arrive ready to learn, and accept that falling is part of the process. Nobody begins as an expert. Confidence grows through patient practice, supportive instruction, and discovering that the floor is less judgemental than most professional networking websites. Beginners need not be especially strong or athletic. Shodokan Aikido emphasises movement, positioning, balance, and technique, making it accessible to people who would prefer not to settle every disagreement by becoming enormous. Satirical Disclaimer This is a work of satire. The genuine martial artists, instructors, students, organisations, techniques, and training traditions referenced here should not be confused with the fictional witnesses, research institutes, government proposals, or almond-croissant confrontations. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No estate agent was successfully subdued during its preparation. centrallondonshodokanaikido.co.uk Read the full article

London's Shodokan Instructor Subdues Violent Assailant Using Balance, Timing And Devastatingly Polite Apology Shodokan Aikido: Ancient Martial Art Offers Rare Opportunity To Be Thrown Across London Without Involving A Landlord LONDON, England – The City of London Shodokan Aikido club has reportedly become one of the capital’s fastest-growing centres for teaching residents how to remain calm while another human being grabs their wrist, disrupts their balance, and sends them toward the floor, an experience previously available only through rush-hour commuting. Shodokan Aikido is a defensive Japanese martial art in which practitioners learn to use an attacker’s movement and momentum against them. This distinguishes it from most London confrontations, where both parties stand completely still while muttering increasingly aggressive versions of “Excuse me.” The club welcomes beginners interested in developing coordination, confidence, fitness, and the ability to fall without immediately contacting a personal-injury solicitor. “I joined because I wanted practical self-defence,” said junior accountant Nigel Bramley, adjusting a white training uniform that made him look like a hospital patient preparing to challenge the radiology department. “Last week, someone reached for the final almond croissant at Pret. I moved off the line, redirected his energy, and secured breakfast without violence.” Bramley admitted the technique failed later that afternoon when a colleague scheduled a meeting for 4:45 p.m. “No martial art can prepare you for that,” he said. Dojo Introduces London-Specific Training Scenarios Instructors have reportedly adapted several exercises for the unique dangers of metropolitan life. One drill teaches students to avoid a charging opponent while carrying a takeaway coffee, an umbrella, two reusable shopping bags, and seventeen unresolved resentments. Another recreates the terrifying moment when a stranger sits beside you on an otherwise empty bus. Advanced students practise maintaining balance while receiving an unexpected service charge. “We begin with simple wrist grabs,” explained fictional instructor Malcolm “The Turnstile” Phipps. “Eventually, students progress to more realistic attacks, such as someone asking whether they can borrow your phone charger.” According to Phipps, the essence of aikido is not overpowering an aggressor but encouraging that person to discover gravity independently. “You are not defeating him,” he said. “You are merely introducing his face to the mat.” British Government Studies Momentum-Based Policy Officials from Whitehall are said to be observing the club’s methods after learning that Shodokan practitioners can transform incoming force into controlled movement. Treasury researchers believe the same principle could be used to redirect inflation, public anger, and awkward questions about infrastructure. Under one proposal, whenever government policy begins moving rapidly in the wrong direction, ministers would step aside gracefully and claim that the collapse was always part of the technique. “Aikido may revolutionise public administration,” said policy analyst Penelope Waffle. “For decades, departments have absorbed criticism directly. The new approach allows criticism to fly past while the minister bows and changes jobs.” The Cabinet Office denied that senior officials were being taught breakfalls, although several permanent secretaries were recently seen rolling safely away from responsibility. Club Members Become Unusually Calm Local residents have noticed that aikido students appear more composed than ordinary Londoners. “They don’t panic, shout, or make sudden movements,” said eyewitness Clarissa Nettleby. “At first I assumed they were Scandinavian.” Researchers at the entirely fictional Institute for Applied Queuing found that six months of aikido training reduced the urge to argue with strangers by 43 percent. The remaining 57 percent was attributed to people standing on the wrong side of an escalator. The study also found that trained practitioners were significantly better at recognising danger. Warning signs included clenched fists, aggressive posture, and anyone beginning a sentence with, “I’m not being funny, but…” Aikido Offers Practical Benefits Beyond Combat Club members insist the discipline is useful even when nobody is attempting to attack them. Balance training helps passengers remain upright on buses. Controlled breathing assists diners receiving restaurant bills. Situational awareness allows pedestrians to detect electric bicycles silently approaching from dimensions not yet recognised by physics. Perhaps most importantly, students learn that strength alone is insufficient. “Timing matters,” said Bramley. “You wait for the correct moment, guide the other person’s movement, and remain relaxed.” He paused. “Unless you’re trying to cancel broadband. Then you need a sword.” The British Aikido Association has promoted Tomiki sport aikido for more than half a century, organising training and competitions in which participants test technique under controlled conditions. London businesses have expressed interest in sponsoring future tournaments, provided the competitors can also remove troublesome customers from pubs without spilling anyone’s drink. Back at the dojo, another class began with students bowing respectfully before practising throws, locks, pins, and the ancient discipline of listening while somebody else speaks. Outside, London continued practising its own martial art: moving rapidly in six directions while refusing to make eye contact. Helpful Advice For Prospective Students Wear comfortable clothing, arrive ready to learn, and accept that falling is part of the process. Nobody begins as an expert. Confidence grows through patient practice, supportive instruction, and discovering that the floor is less judgemental than most professional networking websites. Beginners need not be especially strong or athletic. Shodokan Aikido emphasises movement, positioning, balance, and technique, making it accessible to people who would prefer not to settle every disagreement by becoming enormous. Satirical Disclaimer This is a work of satire. The genuine martial artists, instructors, students, organisations, techniques, and training traditions referenced here should not be confused with the fictional witnesses, research institutes, government proposals, or almond-croissant confrontations. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No estate agent was successfully subdued during its preparation. centrallondonshodokanaikido.co.uk Read the full article

London's Shodokan Instructor Subdues Violent Assailant Using Balance, Timing And Devastatingly Polite Apology Shodokan Aikido: Ancient Martial Art Offers Rare Opportunity To Be Thrown Across London Without Involving A Landlord LONDON, England – The City of London Shodokan Aikido club has reportedly become one of the capital’s fastest-growing centres for teaching residents how to remain calm while another human being grabs their wrist, disrupts their balance, and sends them toward the floor, an experience previously available only through rush-hour commuting. Shodokan Aikido is a defensive Japanese martial art in which practitioners learn to use an attacker’s movement and momentum against them. This distinguishes it from most London confrontations, where both parties stand completely still while muttering increasingly aggressive versions of “Excuse me.” The club welcomes beginners interested in developing coordination, confidence, fitness, and the ability to fall without immediately contacting a personal-injury solicitor. “I joined because I wanted practical self-defence,” said junior accountant Nigel Bramley, adjusting a white training uniform that made him look like a hospital patient preparing to challenge the radiology department. “Last week, someone reached for the final almond croissant at Pret. I moved off the line, redirected his energy, and secured breakfast without violence.” Bramley admitted the technique failed later that afternoon when a colleague scheduled a meeting for 4:45 p.m. “No martial art can prepare you for that,” he said. Dojo Introduces London-Specific Training Scenarios Instructors have reportedly adapted several exercises for the unique dangers of metropolitan life. One drill teaches students to avoid a charging opponent while carrying a takeaway coffee, an umbrella, two reusable shopping bags, and seventeen unresolved resentments. Another recreates the terrifying moment when a stranger sits beside you on an otherwise empty bus. Advanced students practise maintaining balance while receiving an unexpected service charge. “We begin with simple wrist grabs,” explained fictional instructor Malcolm “The Turnstile” Phipps. “Eventually, students progress to more realistic attacks, such as someone asking whether they can borrow your phone charger.” According to Phipps, the essence of aikido is not overpowering an aggressor but encouraging that person to discover gravity independently. “You are not defeating him,” he said. “You are merely introducing his face to the mat.” British Government Studies Momentum-Based Policy Officials from Whitehall are said to be observing the club’s methods after learning that Shodokan practitioners can transform incoming force into controlled movement. Treasury researchers believe the same principle could be used to redirect inflation, public anger, and awkward questions about infrastructure. Under one proposal, whenever government policy begins moving rapidly in the wrong direction, ministers would step aside gracefully and claim that the collapse was always part of the technique. “Aikido may revolutionise public administration,” said policy analyst Penelope Waffle. “For decades, departments have absorbed criticism directly. The new approach allows criticism to fly past while the minister bows and changes jobs.” The Cabinet Office denied that senior officials were being taught breakfalls, although several permanent secretaries were recently seen rolling safely away from responsibility. Club Members Become Unusually Calm Local residents have noticed that aikido students appear more composed than ordinary Londoners. “They don’t panic, shout, or make sudden movements,” said eyewitness Clarissa Nettleby. “At first I assumed they were Scandinavian.” Researchers at the entirely fictional Institute for Applied Queuing found that six months of aikido training reduced the urge to argue with strangers by 43 percent. The remaining 57 percent was attributed to people standing on the wrong side of an escalator. The study also found that trained practitioners were significantly better at recognising danger. Warning signs included clenched fists, aggressive posture, and anyone beginning a sentence with, “I’m not being funny, but…” Aikido Offers Practical Benefits Beyond Combat Club members insist the discipline is useful even when nobody is attempting to attack them. Balance training helps passengers remain upright on buses. Controlled breathing assists diners receiving restaurant bills. Situational awareness allows pedestrians to detect electric bicycles silently approaching from dimensions not yet recognised by physics. Perhaps most importantly, students learn that strength alone is insufficient. “Timing matters,” said Bramley. “You wait for the correct moment, guide the other person’s movement, and remain relaxed.” He paused. “Unless you’re trying to cancel broadband. Then you need a sword.” The British Aikido Association has promoted Tomiki sport aikido for more than half a century, organising training and competitions in which participants test technique under controlled conditions. London businesses have expressed interest in sponsoring future tournaments, provided the competitors can also remove troublesome customers from pubs without spilling anyone’s drink. Back at the dojo, another class began with students bowing respectfully before practising throws, locks, pins, and the ancient discipline of listening while somebody else speaks. Outside, London continued practising its own martial art: moving rapidly in six directions while refusing to make eye contact. Helpful Advice For Prospective Students Wear comfortable clothing, arrive ready to learn, and accept that falling is part of the process. Nobody begins as an expert. Confidence grows through patient practice, supportive instruction, and discovering that the floor is less judgemental than most professional networking websites. Beginners need not be especially strong or athletic. Shodokan Aikido emphasises movement, positioning, balance, and technique, making it accessible to people who would prefer not to settle every disagreement by becoming enormous. Satirical Disclaimer This is a work of satire. The genuine martial artists, instructors, students, organisations, techniques, and training traditions referenced here should not be confused with the fictional witnesses, research institutes, government proposals, or almond-croissant confrontations. This story is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No estate agent was successfully subdued during its preparation. centrallondonshodokanaikido.co.uk Read the full article

Was tagged in several comments on this by my students on Facebook, couldn't not share it on here haha. #martialartist #breakfalls #ukemi #stuntfalls #fallguy

How I spend most of my "freetime". Always practising and trying out new/different #ukemi #breakfalls #falls #stuntfalls handy having your own #crashmats :)