#bratzareback

“Be true to yourself, if you wanna live forever...”

Lately I’ve been obsessed with the concept of Proteus, one of the sea-gods in Greek mythology who could change his form, make it near-impossible for anyone to catch his true self. I like because it sounds awesome. I like the adjective that emerges out of it--protean, a compliment for those with versatility and flexibility (also has negative connotations for those who change their ideals and morals, but we’re not going in that direction today....). I like it because it sounds enigmatic, alluring...a chase for mere mortals to discover the true form of the water deity.

And lately, I’ve been applying it to myself.

Now I’m definitely not a sea deity (not a swimmer AT ALL) but I like to consider myself versatile in some things. I’ve been talking to a friend of mine who asked if the things I was interested in, such as the genres of music and other professions and the social scenes they contain, were my way of running away from the social circles and social environments I was raised in. For a little more context, I was raised in an predominately African-American home/neighborhood. The running away part refers to growing up in school, whereas I got along well with the teachers and adults and all that jazz, my interests, habits and the way I spoke was considered by the kids around me as being “too white” or that I wasn’t “black enough” because I decided to listen to Three Days Grace instead of whatever rap/hip hop song was popular that month.

I said no, that I found some sort of new hope in exploring the different social scenes linked to my interests. One day I would be free to express my true self and not face rejection.

I really don’t like rejection. Subconsciously, I’ve found some ways to evade it...or maybe running from it. That brings me to the whole Proteus thing. I feel like I’m able to adapt to any social scene while still being myself. But...it’s not really being my true self if I’m putting away pieces of my personality on the shelf while substituting it for whatever the social scene demands me to be. This has been my defense mechanism, my way of avoiding the fear of rejection if I only show just a sliver of who I am. Just the tip of the iceberg. Shapeshifter. Proteus.

If I keep wanting for somewhere to belong but I want to play it safe and not be true to myself, where does that take me????

In this distress I experienced about 20 minutes ago, I resorted to an album that got be through my middle school years--the glorious Bratz Rock Angelz album. (*cries* I’M NOT ASHAMED). The first song, “So Good” has this quote which you can scroll back up and read at the top of this entry. I’ve played this song for years and years....and I don’t think I really listened to it. Truth is, I want to be true to myself, but I keep playing it safe wherever I go. On top of that truth, I’m still a little confused as to who I am. I know everyone goes though this, I just...you know, like micromanage every possible thought