#brainspill

illegal hole digger // l.g

just a kid. // l.g

This post is a brief expression of what i want to design and share, the vibe the meaning and the result i want out of design this environment. 

I’ve desperately been trying to remember and cling to the last time I was anywhere near content, let alone happy. I’ve been trying to recapture old moments of exhilaration, excitement, wonderment, anything that doesn’t remind me of this heavy and empty feeling in my chest, and it all just falls flat. I’ve lost so much this year, my dog passed, nearly lost the place I live in, and have had to fight every fiber in my being to not walk out from my job. What bothers me most of all have been the people that have abandoned me without a word or reason. From friends, to potential relationships, or just lovers. I’ve come to terms with the fact that a large part of it was me. Either I was too closed off, or quite frankly, as much as people tell me “I’m wonderful, I’m kind, I’m such a catch, you’ll make someone so happy” it’s very likely I just don’t bring anything to the table and am not worth the effort of even a simple reason, or apology. it’s even worse when I constantly feel like I don’t know where I belong. My interests are widely varied, I can hold up a conversation with almost anyone, and yet I can be at a place like Comic Con, and feel utterly and completely alone, and leave a 4 day event filled with like minded people without knowing a single new person.  I know I’m lonely, I know I have depression, I know I have to make a huge change in order to shake up this stagnation, but christ when you don’t even have the desire to sit up from bed in the mornings, when you just feel utterly repulsive and blocked off....how are you supposed to make that jump from zero to one? Humans are social creatures, we’re not meant to be so isolated, and yet in a city of millions, I feel completely left out. I really hope in even a month’s time I can look back to this and be in a different and better place. I really hope this will be my kick to my own ass to get started, because as I feel right now, I’m not sinking, but I’m barely staying afloat, and I’m exhausted of feeling like I’m stuck in a limbo. 

I don't know if I even want anything from him, I don't know if I'll know till I can. Reckons he's willing to give me time but I won't hold my breath. I should except that this far in if it was going to happen it would.. But I don't. Oh I forgot to mention this isn't something new .. This is a lengthy long mixed meaning, mixed feeling, mixed messages & unknown endings event. Maybe it'll end on the 30th of November.

Like Calling people by their names feels weird Your own name feels weird regardless of the fact that I'm often terrified that I've forgotten someone's name because I'm the worst at that I remember you. I remember your face and who you are. I have trouble associating an arbitrary collection of sounds to that. I haven't forgotten you at all. Just what you are called by most Or like "Yes. That is what I am called. I didn't choose it, it doesn't really feel like me, and I can't really come up with anything better. but for the sake of simplicity, yes. That is what I am called." Or I know not calling you by your name would be seen as disrespectful, because what else are you going to call them. But also addressing you at all, and in such a personal way seems like overstepping my bounds.