I keep thinking about our relationship now thats its over. All of this started a week ago because of my growing fear that he would never initiate conversations and action to plan to come out to see me and also to plan for our future (the future part could be reserved for another post folks because that was a roller coaster of a conversation on its own account)

To keep you up to speed I finally ended it yesterday after a week and a half of back and forth (I tried breaking up with him twice because of his lack of understanding on how important it was to me that he plan for short term and long term goals for us to be together, while he never broke up with me per se but said ok when I mentioned breaking up and never fought once against ending things and it even turned into him not wanting to be with me or without me...yes wtf is right). Me breaking up with him was something thats been a long time coming and now I’m just furious. At him yes, but also at myself. For letting him treat me anything less than the catch I am. Its been too long now that I’ve felt ‘less than’. Not worthy of a great love. He has put his friends and family above me way too many times. Yesterday things were already over because for the MILLIONTH time he had said he didn’t see it working, that he had lost faith in our relationship, he was unhappy and couldn’t put in the effort I needed (this is literally just starting conversations on when we will see each other because we are long distance and when we will be together again). Which by the way he made me wait for his decision as to whether or not he wanted to be with me even though I bore my heart to him and told him how much I cared and wanted to see this work). NO one deserves that. So it was over and I had told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore if it was over so that I could move on. Lo and behold, not even a day passes and he texted me asking me how I was holding up???? as though we were friends and I didn’t just tell him he couldn’t have it both ways by talking to me all the time but not being with me. I didn’t respond and he kept pestering me with his indecisiveness to end our relationship. He basically is immature as hell and doesn’t know what he wants. He has a childlish view of the effort that is required to go into a relationship. 

Case in point: Before I left to New Mexico I asked him when we would see each other and he said I don’t know, so I basically took initiative (for the hundredth time) and took days off of work and then told him to make sure that he had those dates off and then buy tickets to come see me for the holidays. I told myself he could do this one, that I didn’t need to remind him like I normally do and he would remember and step up. Sure enough a week before he’s suppose to come he asks me what the dates are AND THEN tells me they are to expensive asking me if he should still get them??? FUUUUUUCK that. Long story short I had to essentially threaten to break up with him to get his ass out here. Which he did and in retrospect that should have been when I ended things instead of waiting a whole other month to wait for the next time he would disappoint me and forget to ask when we’d see each other again. Which who the fuck forgets to ask when they’ll see their lover, best friend, partner, to make things happen? Like wouldn’t you WANT to be with them and be aching to see them?? No? Just me? ok. I essentially let it go because he ended up coming out here even though it was like a burn mark on my heart and unleashed a ton of doubts to how things would work out since this was literally only a month in and this shit storm had already happened. 

Flash forward to yesterday after his confusing texts (which included: “I don’t ever not want to see you again :( and I’m sorry but I don’t know how to fix the problem”, which occured after I told him we couldn’t talk anymore and that he had made his choice and it wasn’t me so if it was really over I needed to not talk to him so I could heal). I ended up calling him to figure things out once and for all (this has been going on for a week and a half now of back and forth breaking up) and he was very relaxed saying he didn’t know what he wanted and that he needed to go because his friends were there (something he has done many times before). I was like are you serious? You can’t set aside 10 minutes to talk to me? He was like I need to go. So I told him I needed an answer to move on because this was killing me and he said he didn’t know AGAIN. I even said I had bought plane tickets to go see him this week and that I was going home and wanted to see him Thursday or Friday, since he’d be close by and he said ‘I dont know’, its not like it will change anything.... I was flabbergasted. I had poured my heart out to him multiple times within the past couple of days with flat out rejection every single time. I continued to give him chances because I love him. During all of this he has told me that he loves me more than anything which has got to be some kind of joke. Needless to say, his words were unbelievably painful. I told him firmly that he needed to make a decision about us right then and there so I could move on because he promised me he would give me a decision days ago and this was unfair and unloving to string me along like this. His response? He said again he needed to go. I told him to make a decision or it was over and he was like alright if its going to be that way then its over. his words hit me like a punch to the gut. I said that’s it? We’re not going to talk ever again, you know that right? and he said Ok, alright! with a degree of exasperation and desperacy in his voice to join his friends. This is when I had had enough. I was furious. That’s it then, I’m done and this is over, I said and I hung up. Later that night he sent me a text saying “fuck...what happened”. 

So let’s reflect: I can’t believe I’ve been dating a child for the past 2 years. I can’t believe I’ve put in effort beyond belief these past two years for someone who could never seem to step up to the plate (although to him he’s tried?? not sure how exactly). I can’t believe that I allowed him into my heart and that he has taken it and abused it in the most unloving way these past couple of days. Its been unbelievably painful, degrading and downright disgusting to me. People don’t understand how to put work in a relationship and they run away when things get hard. Its silly to think any relationship can work without hard work, effort and planning for the future. He has sucked tremendously at these things and all along I convinced myself if I just showed him how to love me he would turn things around. Although now I realize no one should have to show someone how to love them and hold their hand to understand how to make things work and be emotionally intelligent. Ive lost myself along the way and led myself to believing that this is all love could be. That I was being childish, needy and ‘too much’. I haven’t been nice to myself. I’ve thought, this person loves me and i’d be an idiot to give him up because I probably will never find anything half this good again. I’ve cried more these past two years than I have the 3 years before I met him. I’m half writing this to vent and also to convince myself that this is not my fault. That I can’t solve this problem because its not mine to solve. That I will find greater love and I need to first give that to myself. That someone’s love not backed by action isn't true love at all, they are just words that are carried with the wind and are easily broken.

Someone who loves someone shows them through action and effort every day. It doesn’t have to be big, it can be small things like a text or a call (even this he was struggling with). I haven’t received romance naturally or been taken out on a date or been asked to do anything spontaneous in forever from him or anyone else. I can’t remember the last time someone has done these things for me. I guess I’ve felt like I don’t deserve those things. Like they don’t exist and I should just be happy with the love I have. I want a great love. One that comes naturally that I don’t have to push and has someone coming after me and I to them. Where we both put in the effort and show each other that we care. I’m ready for that and thats what i’ve wanted to be doing all along but couldn’t give my fullest love to this person because they would just abuse it and drain me dry of my reserves to make things work for the both of us. Bottom line is I wasn’t getting what I needed. 

Its REALLY true that we accept the love we think we deserve and thats what I’ve been doing these past two years. Settling for a love that is not meant for me. I am a dreamer, a go-getter, I inspire others, I’m hella fine and I can get whoever I want. I love having conversations about the universe, I have dreams to make impacts within a community, I am adventurous, kind, free spirited and can talk to anyone even strangers. I am a risk taker, artist and a deep lover. I am strong, sensitive, a feminist, politically involved and I’m tired of putting myself down and accepting anyone into my heart without wariness or protection. I deserve so much more. I want someone to chase after me for once and see how beautiful my mind is and not just my body. I want them to ask me questions about what I love and learn things for me and the thing is I want that to! Because a partner is primarily a friend that you can go through life and ponder the universe with.