It might be my paranoia but something about SP sending everyone to Octocon (which I already was super wary of) almost like it was the only option, Ampersand being on indefinite hiatus (and I'm having trouble finding clear info on whether they're anti-endo), so it seemed At That Point that the ONLY option was Octocon...
And then shutting the whole thing down in "two weeks"?
Not even SP is gonna shut down that fast.
Again it might just be my paranoia and god do I hope it is my paranoia BC I sound like a conspiracy theorist, but am I the only one who thinks something is going on and there may have been pressure on one side of things or something?
I really sound crazy but my mind can only read this as like, when big companies turn things into a monopoly, they do something under the table, and then shut down to avoid being caught.
Octocon's privacy page did not instill in me any sense of respect for my privacy. And idk. Idk if I believe some of the stuff. Some I do, some I'm not sure. But reading their literal terms and conditions left a horrid taste in my mouth and a sense of dread that told me to stay away from it.
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Fuck you, the dog metaphor will never stop being real.
Vent poetry under the cut. This is about fake people who use you to feel better, calling it friendship, and once you're no longer of use to them, they tie you down and tell you to promise you'll wait for them so they'll have you ready when they need to use you again.
They leave. They always leave.
You want to know why I stay
Because I'm a dog.
You see me as a dog.
Loyal, guardian, defender
Standing at attention by your leg.
It's been three days since my last message.
Or has it been three weeks?
Three months?
When will you be back?
"I don't want you to leave".
That is what it says on the leash you put around my neck.
I have many leashes like that.
They wrap around me like ribbons.
You took some off for yours to be visible around my neck.
You put that leash on me and tied me to a post in the house you abandoned.
Always an "I'll be back soon, there's just a lot going on"
"I'll come back to see you, wait for me"
"I'm busy, and you're making a fuss about me not being okay"
"I need you to step back. I swear it's for your own good."
You say it's because you worry about me being anxious about your silence and unprescense.
You trained me to be alert and comforting.
And to rush to you the second the first whimper was voiced every time.
Suddenly that's wrong and I'm being ushered towards the garden.
You tie me to the post.
That rotten post that no matter what won't fall off.
I cannot wander off. I am loyal.
I let you put that promise around my neck and choke me with its hope.
You'll be back.
That you'll be back is the most bullshit sentence you could utter right now to my face
I'm a dog to you.
Just tell me I'm a dog
I'm not a person I'm a working dog to comfort you in your crying
To watch over you and snarl at the dark in the face of danger
To do tricks and turns for you to be entertained
So when you put on that leash I let you and I trust you
You say how much you trust me
I won't bite you
You say how much you care about me
I will hope you're well cared for too.
You say you'll be back
And it's been over a year
And my limbs ache from lack of running
My fur is matted and gone
The frostbite breaking my skin
The dehydration and the hunger barely sated by some rain and a poor animal
That I caught by choking myself in pursuit.
I lay down and look at the door.
It's closed. The porch is dusty.
The windows blurry.
Then I see you
Across the street.
I stand and wag my tail, my ears perked up.
The people who you introduced me to talking happily with you.
Your life went on and you left me behind with what you didn't want.
I'm in the backyard barking for your attention,
Wheezing, pulling at the leash because you're back!
You're back and the leash will be lifted
And you'll crouch with open arms and I'll run back to you...
Except you don't.
You frown and yell at me that you'll be back.
That I need to stop that.
You'll be back
You'll be back
You'll be back
You're full of shit.
You left me for dead
You promised to stay and I trusted when you said you just need a break.
I made a promise. You made it too.
I'll wait. You'll be back.
If you're ever back, don't expect your dog to come running.
You'll find a cadaver full of maggots.
A dead dog with its teeth bared in anger.
In betrayal.
You knew what you took in from the kill shelter.
And when you realised I was too hurt to be normal, and that you wish I was dead too,
You left me to rot.
I hope it pains you
I hope you come back, and in tears you try to bury me.
I hope the dead meat smell sticks to your hands, to your clothes, and your hair.
That the animal you killed by playing with its loyalty does indeed never leave you.
Because I am a dog
And I am loyal,
A rabid ghost that will make you beg to turn back time.
You lost your doggy out of your own neglect
You tried burying its dead body
I hope the smell makes other animals cry in horror and run away.
Murderer.
You're complicit. You did this.
It wasn't me. It wasn't the weather. It wasn't time. It wasn't the leash itself.
No clue. But they're a fully grown adult that honestly just downright refuses to take accountability for their trespasses, putting on a childish façade to avoid responsibility. And that's both concerning and disgusting.
We have insane trauma, over a decade of shit to sift through and take your pick of the horrors. AND YET we treat people with respect, we take accountability when something is pointed out to us as wrong. We apologize and work to better ourselves about it.
They don't. And yet they expect us to bend over backwards for them for our "trespasses" (establishing hard boundaries, telling them no, GENTLY pointing out something they're doing is racist, etc). Everyone is evil and has to take accountability and apologise or be demonised if they don't, except for F. Because even when F recognises the bad thing they did, they hide behind the "IT'S MY TRAUMA, YOU WOULDN'T GET IT! AND YOU SHOULD BE NICE TO ME EVEN WHEN I AM SHITTY TO YOU!" Buddy, if I told you all of what I've lived and survived you'd think that by all logic I should be dead from it. I'm not gonna judge your trauma for being "smaller" because that's not how this shit works, everyone's trauma is really fucking bad and should be respected. But if you're gonna pretend that you're the only person in the world who can say "my parents being toxic at each other" like it's some mysterious eldritch experience that I, nor anyone else, would ever know about, then you're really playing the "nobody exists but me" game.
I'm gonna show my Latino ass and point out that this last part (italics) tends to happen a lot with US people (not everyone, obviously), because there's a huge entitlement/protagonistic problem from the US towards other countries. And I don't just mean white US people, I mean anyone born and raised there. And it happens a whole lot when it comes to marginalised groups (such as non-US: poc communities, queer communities, mental health communities, disabled communities, etc). I'm not gonna get into it so much because the specific type of gringo* I'm talking about is gonna come get my ass. But yeah, a lot of the things F said were very "I have never bothered to listen to anyone outside the US that wasn't catering to a US audience like the token diversity character in a show that's meant to be 'exotic' and is from like, big city México".
*gringo is not a slur. It also doesn't mean "white person". It never has been a slur. It means "your NATIONALITY is from the US but I don't want to call you American because that's the full continent". The google definition of gringo being a slur was written by gringos, not by the people who originated the word.
yeah- F sounds fucking horrible…. I’m glad yall eventually blocked em, but I do get the struggles of not wanting to or not being able to block someone sooner
Oh, did I mention this fucker was compiling any selfies we posted in a small friend server "because [they] struggle with faces"???
At one point it came up that we have a very strong discomfort of pictures, or of people having control over how our pictures look. We only take pictures of ourselves if we are in full control of them.
They showed us either a bunch of folders for each person or one folder full of different people they had latched onto, I don't fucking remember, but a lot of the people who had left bc of them being inappropriate were there. They were literally sharing selfies and pictures of other people to us like "this is X" and shit and like, DON'T DO THAT??? IT'S CREEPY ALREADY YOU SAVE PEOPLE'S PICTURES LIKE A STALKER, BUT SENDING THEM TO OTHER COMPLETE STRANGERS??? THEY'RE NOT EVEN PUBLIC PICTURES.
I really fucking hope they never sent OUR pictures to anybody. My husband begged them to delete them, he had to reach the point of having a panic attack for them to actually delete the pictures. Like, if someone tells you "no, don't do that", it should be enough. But this person can't take "no" for an answer. In fact, they won't even fucking ask at all and then come and shoot you with what they did right in the face. Re: the whole calling me "dad" or flirting with my husband and making him take care of their regressed host.
I do not want to see any stranger's PRIVATELY SENT selfies. I'm not a fucking creep. If the picture is public, you could send me the link to it. If it's taken from a PRIVATE SERVER/PLATFORM/ETC or sent to you PRIVATELY, I would fucking hope it stays in there and not in your phone album, and even less in some random person's DMs. Also, don't fucking dox your irl "friends" oh my god. They would send me pictures of people they knew at charity events that were basically telling me where they live, what they do, etc, just because "you remind me of this person". WELL, THEN JUST SAY I REMIND YOU OF A PERSON WHO DOES CHARITY, DON'T SEND ME THEIR FULL ADDRESS.
F has one of those "system-tracking servers" where they dump stuff for their alters that they relate to or are inspired by or like, tracks fronts, etc.
We do cosplay and post it somewhere.
Suddenly there's a new channel for the factive of me (after they "confessed") and THE FIRST THING THEY DO after the intro from pk, was to start sending the cosplay as "inspo". YOU'RE USING OUR FACE AS A "FACECLAIM". FUCK. RIGHT. OFF.
I told the host very angrily to delete that shit in that instant or they're getting blocked. I didn't block them outright because I wanted to see them delete the stuff. I was very emphatic on them NEVER using our face again for anything related to that alter, or any alter at all for that matter, and to delete any pictures they had saved of us because that's fucking rude and disgusting.
We didn't block them immediately because we were afraid of them doing that kind of shit again. We slowly deleted everything that they could save from our conversations, going from oldest to newest messages to be less obvious, and when we were sure that no more pictures were in their own server either, we blocked them. They did mention they were kicking us out of that server (they had added us and tasked us with seeing if the dormant factives of the other people ever came back around, like, yeah no......), and I feel maybe they wanted to hide that they were doing it again or hiding a new factive of my husband. I hope I'm wrong. I really fucking hope I'm wrong.
Regarding the second ask, the continuation of the last one, I will not posting it due to the inability to put a read more on it and I don't feel comfortable posting such a thing without the read more.
So I will answer here.
I feel you're entitled to acknowledge what that split means. I also feel that that person is being a massive hypocrite after the things they made you go through.
TW in the second half of the ask and response for SA, pregnancy, forced parenthood/babytrapping, I guess? Non-consensual "use" of alters, rape similitudes.
That is precisely the thing I'm most afraid of. I am a hypersexuality holder, and I can be very sexual in my conversations (though I always make sure I'm having said conversations with fully grown adults and nobody's regressed. It's just not something I'm comfortable talking with to someone regressed). But that does not give someone else the right or open floor to try and get with me, you know? I was being flirted with, and I don't know why people think being open about struggling with hypersexuality is an open invitation to offer to let me get them off, or to compete on who can fluster me more. And having someone potentially creating a copy of myself to "win" and use me? Even if for non-sexual things, still makes me feel like I'm being violated and made to put on a show and to cater to people against my will.
On the other thing..
I am not super knowledgeable on certain aspects of systemhood and how DID can work for certain situations, so please do correct me if I'm completely off, I will learn from it, but I was made to understand that alters cannot get pregnant (in headspace) nor like, give birth to other alters?
I don't know how much I believe that person you're talking about, maybe they wanted to mess with you and guilt trip you into something under a fake story (as in, maybe there were indeed child alters, just not in the way they claimed they formed or something?). Again, feel absolutely free to correct me if this is actually something that can happen!
I really hope it's truly over and they don't contact you again now that you're out of that situation. My condolences and I hope good things go with you.
I appreciate the good wishes as well. We're doing a little better, somehow. Still not great but hopefully better every day.
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ew omg literally what the fuck is wrong with people??? Why has that become such a thing… I’ve known several people who have had similar issues of people either forming or allegedly forming alters just to bypass shit… and like ???? How fucking disgusting and fucked up
I’m so sorry that yall went through that- like omfg?? And the Latino shit?? Is just??? No???
I don’t hardly trust anyone anymore after the shit ex friend put us through, so I can’t imagine what it’s been like for yall
the entitlement of some people is just.. disgusting. I cannot stand the whole forcibly making alters of ppl you wanna be around bc you were turned down and still want the opportunity to fuck with them.. ESPECIALLY if you then tell said person “hey so I actually *made* you and there’s nothing you can do because they’re *my* alter and I can do whatever I want because they aren’t *technically* you”
then don’t treat them exactly like me??? Tf?? It’s bad enough you split them to get around my boundaries- don’t also tell me you did it- that’s just fucking creepy and disturbing-
-anon from before
"Husband" here. I just found out about these asks and quite frankly, I'm not sure how to feel bc it's still a sore weird uncomfortable feeling for me.
I'm very protective of my spouse and I struggle with feeling worth anything myself after moving away from the abusive household. So this person, F, was already really messing with me by treating me like a wounded animal all the time, even taking the tone one would use when picking up a small animal and coping at it when we were on vc a few times.
Like my partner said, we have serious trauma related reasons to be very unnerved and even fearful of what happened. And a lot of the time we'll get hit with the "ohhh fuck, I hope that was a lie. I really fucking hope that was a lie."
I feel it's an incredibly messed up and violating thing to have someone force a copy of you so they can use you without the consequences. And I regret not being louder about my discomfort at the time. So does my spouse. We should've blocked F sooner.
(feel free to delete, not ended to be a vent, but tw just in case for mentions of the whole weird ass pushing familiar terms onto others)
omg so we’ve also been through something similar with the whole familial thing being pushed onto us by another system-
they made factives of us as well and then made a child alters WITH the factives-
Why tf is that a thing?? That + the whole littlespace and forcing ppl to take care of them thing is just. So bizarre to me-
I’m so sorry that yall went through that
Tumblr deleted the whole ramble so.
CW/TW : abusive, manipulative behaviour. Guilt-tripping. Non-consensual projection of stuff onto others, dead parent, ableism (because of judging someone on how they responded to a traumatic thing ONCE), uhhhh... crossing of boundaries to a gross level, implied SA, paranoia, feelings of being sexually harassed, in some way, and racism (or more possibly xenophobia) and use of cultural Latino aspects in a fetishised way.
Long story short:
Met this system, let's call them F, at a server. Got the wrong idea about us? Took advantage of our niceties. Called me "dad" even though we told them to never do that, confessed to still doing it behind our backs, forced a split of a factive of me specifically (idk how that would even work, but I'm not gonna say shit on that aspect of things) and proceeded to call him "dad" while still calling me the same thing, proceeded to be racist (white acting Latino because of having "Latino alters"), and proceeded to flirt with my in-sys husband. Pretended they felt guilty about it and when they saw we weren't buying it, the factive supposedly stopped wanting to talk to anyone in their system and went dormant "angrily". Then had a whole crash-out because we said Husband and I had "fought" (minor situation but big feelings, nothing bad) and they didn't like when their parents fought so they felt entitled to call me, in summary, an abusive piece of shit.
Like, I beg your fucking pardon????
To go on the longer side:
Host of the system DMs us while regressed and acts little and distressed to make my Husband feel distressed too until he goes and fixes the problem they had with some other discord user in the server (it was a ridiculous thing, really, and none of our business).
We get to talking. It's a bit of a routine thing by now. They insert themselves into our daily lives. We get used to checking in on them bc some shit is happening on their end too and we try to check in with people now and then.
My Husband has Big Traumatic Thing Response and that never goes well when he's alone. I was not able to front at the moment and he messaged the latest person on the chat list to ask for a distraction or something, hell if I remember. It's F. Next day, I take care of things, thank F for the help and that it'll be fine, that I got things under control.
For reference, my Husband and I are two halves, we basically are made to help the other through shit. So we're made "with all the tools" to make things run smoothly when one of us suffers with a thing. I'm calm and collected and firm when Big Traumatic Thing Response happens, and while Husband is not able to function, I take care of him and of things. It's fine, he gets better, we move on. If something happens to me, he does the same.
Unfortunately, this set a vision of us from F where Husband was this sort of "poor little bird" personality and I was the "ultimate competent guy, man of the house, perfect family head". Because they saw me take care of my distressed husband once.
This led to them "accidentally" calling me "dad" at random times, or even kiddy pronunciations of the word (like "dada" [ugh, it makes me cringe to even remember it, I'm really uncomfortable with all these terms]) when regressed. We had told them not to talk to us when regressed. They still did, and my Husband, who struggles to say no, would forgive them and "watch over them" for a while.
Our whole system explained to them that the way they were pushing the role of "dad" onto me, or anyone in our system for that matter, was uncomfortable and rude and weird. And to not do it. Cue the crocodile tears where they talked about their shitty dead father and how we, but more specifically, I was like, "a perfect replacement".
He (host) insisted on calling me that shit, excusing himself that he was regressed. Other alters would talk pity about him to us" so that we begrudgingly "don't get mad at him, he's thinking like a lost kid, he lost his father". And like, yeah, well, my condolences. But you can't do that, I have told you repeatedly and it's just plain weird to make a stranger over the internet your replacement father because you think he's "good enough to be your dad", that's fucking weird and rude and creepy.
On a similar note, it makes my Husband really uncomfortable too. He felt like they were trying to "steal" me from the pseudo-family dynamic we had in our system at the time, since F would often show jealousy if Husband talked "too much" about me or I wasn't around to pay attention to them.
A few months later, after repeatedly insisting that he ditches the idea, he confesses that he hasn't stopped and now only does it behind our backs. We again repeat how that's not okay and to please fucking stop. That it's gross and really hurtful how much they're willing to disrespect us. They get mad at us and start forcing triggering shit on their own server that we had viewing access to. Somehow (I'm not sure how this works, to be quite honest), they forced a split of a factive of me.
Spent like a month letting said factive literally flirt (make remarks trying to fluster him, using (auto-translated) Spanish to try and call him weird things, etc) and tease (being mean, like a bit of bullying) my husband at random times. Wouldn't say who he was, and Host would pretend to not know what was happening even though the phrasing was almost like they were itching to tell me.
He makes me promise not to tell my husband and finally spills the beans. I am fucking freaked out by this, but play it off because I don't want drama, I'm very stressed irl as it is. And now I have the weird paranoid knowledge that someone has "me" to do whatever they want with, including crossing my boundaries. Like, to this day it fucks me up that "I" am there, UNWILLINGLY/FORCIBLY, just so this guy could call me his dad. I'm even more freaked out at the possibility that they forced a factive of my Husband, who has very intense trauma with having his image and his self used for others pleasure of any kind without being able to retrieve said image if he didn't want to anymore. I'm there non-consensually, in a way. And the possibility that my husband is there too makes me fucking sick. I really fucking hope that never happened. If you're reading this, I hope you feel fucking disgusted and ashamed like you claimed to be before instead of secretly revelling in our inability to retrieve consent now because this(these) factive(s) is(are) "yours".
I tell Husband anyway because seriously, what the fuck. And because this also concerns him, since the factive kept trying to flirt with him even though Husband was just being polite in response, yet clearly uncomfortable. He deserved to know who was making him uncomfortable.
Host starts asking for more and more shit from our home country to "make him feel more at home, because he won't talk to me". I dunno, maybe it's because he's technically me and I am really fucking grossed out by you calling me "dada" still? Seriously, dude, that's disgusting. I said no and you did it anyway.
The questions start straying from just "making the factive more comfortable by doing Latino things" and more as using us as a "Latino-pedia" kinda source to make what I later saw were blatantly racist guerrilla OCs that they slit fictives of??? Hello????? Gross!
I should also mention that at the time we had another active alter that was younger than us and we had all three split around the same time. So we joked that said alter was my Husband and I's nibbling. Gonna call them D because they're dormant rn.
THIS APPARENTLY MADE F THINK IT WAS OKAY TO BABY SAID ALTER (WHO WAS A WHOPPING 24 Y/O AT THE TIME), TREAT THEM LIKE THEY WERE OUR LEGITIMATE CHILD AND CALL THEM SHIT LIKE "KIDDO" OR "TIKE" INSTEAD OF THEIR NAME, WHICH WE TOLD THEM WAS NOT OKAY EITHER.
One time we had a fight, Husband and I (big trauma caused distress again, one of us was trying to avoid the other from doing that while said other was in an irrational state from the distress. There was screaming over the scary trauma thing, and raised voice to be heard above the scared screaming, but it was nothing downright bad, it was more an "I'm scared and can't react rationally" situation) and D was left in front. D was upset because thanks to our fight, it was really "loud".
This made F feel entitled to send us several, SEVERAL, paragraphs cussing me out about how I was the worst ever for causing distress to my own child (D, who was in fact not distressed, just really fucking annoyed), and how they (F) "latched to [me] to escape from the shitty parental experience [they] had" (as in, "my parents fought a lot and were shitty to each other when dad was alive, so I grabbed you both as the better option and replacement") and that I was being as shitty as their dead father for being "abusive to my spouse". I'm sorry????? I have never harmed my husband and would never do that, you're projecting so fucking hard that you think that raising my voice over him screaming from distress over the thing he's scared about so that he can hear me is me being abusive to him.
Then refused to talk to us because they felt "betrayed" by me not being the idealised "dad" he wanted us to be.
We blocked them a while after. But like, this was only ONE thing. They also had several factives of people that were split literally to bypass boundaries or to get into relationships with them when they had turned you down, and then had this whole tragic "boo hoo, everyone leaves me and it forces those factives of the people who left me into dormancy so I'm alone", like, bitch, they leave because you literally force splits to cross their boundaries and even seem to find pleasure in telling the "source-people" about it in the most uncomfortable way about it, and admitting to crossing the boundaries but having the excuse of "well, it was in my headspace and to an alter of my system, not to YOU-you". You're being abusive, disrespectful, and VERY CREEPY. GET SOME HELP.
Part of me really hopes that the factive is either gone or was a lie told by them to try and check how much we were gonna allow them to "slip up" with our boundaries. But also part of me is extremely paranoid that F also forced a split of a factive of my Husband (especially now that we cut communications and they have no one to pity them anymore) to try and lure the factive of me out of this supposed dormancy (which apparently the way they described it was like the factive was like "I don't want to see any of you guys, I'm out." and made it so that the place where he's "stored" had no doorhandle and couldn't be accessed anymore after he went in), and possibly have them engage in a relationship (and more) for their viewing pleasure. Which they've admitted to for factives of other people.
If you know our main blog, no you don't. We're not out and don't want to be out on that blog. Respect it please.
Basics:
DID system (professionally diagnosed for over 20 years. Therapy chronology is currently iffy)
Adult.
Disabled, other disorders we don't owe you, mixed Latino-Arab and intersex (all of these influence our system).
Queer, generally speaking.
This is a sideblog. We cannot follow back, send asks, or give likes from it. Keep in mind when messaging
We will post about Hypersexuality and OCD-related paraphilic disorders, as it's a prevalent thing in our trauma experience and we're trying to come to terms with it. (We will tag #hypersexuality in any case and it will be mostly internal sentiments about it, nothing towards anyone outside of our system). In no way, shape or form do we endorse abuse towards anybody.
Main tags
#boxen original posts
#boxopi opinions our system has or shares
#box general descriptors of our system as a whole or of specific
#boxenpics drawings either from us or gifted to us
#headsup overall disclaimers
#ques asks
#hypersexuality (for blocking purposes)
DNI:
We do not wish to participate in syscourse. However, we will state we do not feel comfortable interacting with endogenic systems.
Hatred towards minorities and marginalised communities will not be tolerated.
We are adults, we'd prefer if minors would not interact with our posts or blog.
We reserve our right to block based on our own boundaries and comfort!