#bow2015

Today, a great friend of mine Aaron Adair texted me, just after I got home from work.  “DUDE!!!!” was all it said.  Followed by an MMS message I couldn’t read, because my phone doesn’t really do the MMS thing.  So I asked what all the fuss was about?  He texted: “You have been nominated for a WCMA Award!”  Standing in my kitchen, I started to cry uncontrollably because of a rush of thoughts and emotions had to come out.  Aaron himself had been nominated a year earlier for best urban album of the year in 2014 for his album, AANALOG.

My album titled “Expansions”, has been nominated for best electronic/dance album of 2015 by the Western Canadian Music Awards.  You might be surprised to hear that while this is amazing news to an artist such as myself, I actually find myself in a bittersweet mood reflecting on this news.

This album was put together during perhaps the darkest time of my life. During its creation, I had been battling a severe depression, and while I developed suicidal thoughts.  

Expansions was released in late February.  I had been making plans for an album release party in Calgary - but then I got the devastating news that my grandmother had passed away, and a day later my wife of 14 years left me.

 It’s a crazy thing to contemplate ending your existence - the reasons why you think you should do it.  Contemplating how you’ll end your life.  Obviously, I’m still alive, typing these messages in the vastness of our digital servers and electric connections.  You might notice there’s a track on there called “Anti Depressants”.  Yeah, I tried some and got a song out of the experience, but the pills really didn’t really help.

People who know me well know that I have experienced a great deal of loss in my life.  The loss of my marriage was the worst in a series of lifetime blows, which included the loss of my father, and sister in recent years.  I always thought, “at least my wife was always there”.  I pinned all my happiness on my marriage.  Then when it did fall apart, I lost the will to live.  It just seemed that there was nothing left to live for...

I have to thank so many family members and friends for being there during those darkest of days - because I am not sure I would be here without them.

Music brings me joy, but also becomes an obsession - as it did in the creation of Expansions.  All the late nights, weekends, holidays spent locked in my studio in my basement, while unaware of the marriage falling apart created a scenario in which I found myself hating this album after it was completed.  I actually didn’t listen to it for 3 months after my wife left, until I found out about this nomination.

I am humbled for this recognition, and feel validated somewhat for the sacrifice the was made in its creation.  I guess this has been a lesson for me to never give up, believe in yourself, and surround yourself by people who support you. 

Expansions might have been the last album I ever made - but not now.  So, thank you for the opportunity WCMA for giving someone a reason to live and keep the music alive.

See you in Victoria in September for Breakout West!