"If you stand for nothing, what will you fall for?" everytime this line remind me of Jean and everytime I hurt
âTheyâre waiting for you to mess up you know.âÂ
It catches Jean off guard and he looks up from where he had been lacing his shoes. Itâs not that he doesnât know.  Itâs just that he wasnât expecting to hear the blunt factuality of it from Jeremy. USC favourite spokesperson for sunshine and positivity. People often forget that under all the smile and perfect sportsmanship Jeremy Knox is ruthlessly efficient and honest when he needs to be as captain.
âYou keep pushing against this and at some point either you or the team are gonna break.â Jean could feel Jeremyâs eyes on his back as he straightened up, âI get that you might not think that matters but the world is watching us right now. Watching for how this is going to play out and weâre trying Jean, Iâm trying. But if you donât start getting behind what weâre trying to do here its not going to work, and then all of this- itâs going to be pointless.â Jeremy let out a heavy sigh clearly expecting for Jean to snap some brutal cutting response but none came.Â
It wasnât that he didnât have anything to say to the smaller man; that it wasnât his business or problem, that Jean had never asked to be here, that he didnât care what the press or the team or Jeremy thought of him, but he knew that wasnât quite true.
He had been in California for 5 months now and the 4 of those that he had been in training with the Trojans he had seen first hand how hard they worked, how hard Jeremy worked, not just for himself or as their captain but on the personal level for Jean, it still didnât make sense to him why Jeremy did so much but the effort he put in was undeniable. Â
âJean? are you listening? Youâre here now, I know you donât like it, donât like us but you canât change that. What you can do is use this opportunity for what it is. Use us, use our strength as a team and work with us.-â
He hadnât meant for his scoff at those words to be audible but it was too late to take it back when Jeremy fell silent.Â
âWith you?â why did he sound so venomous? this wasnât what he had wanted to do, heâd wanted to just let Jeremy say his piece and then leave, go find somewhere he could think, go sit with Laila somewhere in silence or call Renee. Why did Jeremy always have to make it so much harder for him to ignore the facts of his reality?  âyou donât seem to realise just how little i care about your so-called âstrengthâ do you think your attitude would have gotten you anywhere in my world? Do you really think it could get me anywhere now? I donât need you and your teams âstrengthâ to help me do something Iâm already good at. This whole thing was already meaningless, being here isnât going to change anything about how my life is going to play out. Thatâs never been something I have any say in. You get the luxury to stand there and say that I can have any control over this? But of course, you do this because you want to, because you chose it, because thatâs what you do and you think that can apply to me. That if I try hard enough, if I âchange my attitudeâ what? Iâll suddenly fit in here? be a part of your precious little team? that I can find more reason in doing this than the fact that my life depends on it? maybe that works for you, maybe thatâs enough but dont lump me in with the rest of you-â his laugh was empty, cold and bitter and alien to his own ears âYou donât get it. I donât know why I ever thought you might. Youâre not going to be able to change this so just give up already.â
Jeremy was quiet for a long time, the room still around them, pinched tight as he heard Jeremy pull in as slow steadying breath behind him. Jean watched the door in front of him waiting to hear what Jeremy would come out with, maybe he would be angry Jean thought vaguely, maybe he would finally resign himself to the futility of whatever it was he was trying to achieve with Jean, maybe he would tell Jean to leave, to get out and not come back if that was really how he felt about them all.
âYou think its that easy for us? I know I can never understand what youâve been through Jean but that doesnât mean that the rest of us donât have our own shit it deal with. Weâre not here just because itâs fun, or because weâve got nothing better to do. Every member of this team is here because they are standing for something, fighting for something. We stand together for what we achieve as a team and what we can prove to ourselves, to those who doubted us, thatâs why we fight, why we work hard and why we donât give up. And donât you dare look down on any of us because you think you are better than this, than what we do here. You donât have to like us. you donât even have to want to be here. But until you find something you are prepared to fight for for yourself other people will continue to dictate your life and there is nothing anyone can do to help you with that until you are willing to help yourself. but that doesnât mean Iâm going to stop trying.â
Jean doesnât remember leaving their dorm or how he got into the courtyard outside, just the hard line of Jeremyâs clenched jaw, his stubborn eyes when Jean had looked back at him and the ringing Jeremyâs words had left in his ears as he slammed the door behind him.Â
He tried to reason with himself that he simply hadnât seen the value of the Trojans as a team but he knew that wasnât true, you couldnât play against them in a match or watch their games and not see the strength they had worked so hard to cultivate. It would have been easy it if was as straightforward as Jean thinking he was flat out better than them, but it wasnât that simple and he knew it. Nothing in Jeanâs life had ever been easy. It was just that admitting that Jeremy was right and that they were all more than what they did on court meant that Jean was too. Meant that if he wanted to ever be more than just a backliner for whatever team his name was signed under he had to actually take an active role in shaping what that was. It meant that he had to chose to stand for himself, for his autonomy and work out what it was he even wanted. The problem was that doing that meant maybe failing, maybe loosing whatever hope he let crawl under his skin and curl up inside his chest. Meant reaching out even though he knew he may fall. But he had fallen before and he was still here, against all odds. And it also meant that, for the first time in his life, maybe he could do more than just survive in someone else game and maybe that would be worth it.Â
