#bostonwriter

I have been in my fair share of relationships thus far and there are a handful of things I have learned. First being that love is not always mutual, also that every single one of us is an individual. Leading a separate and unique mental that will guide us each through our lives. Every decision we make really matters, and the people we allow into our space matters even more.  Whether it is a platonic relationship, a familial tie, or a partnership with someone you love; the people you allow into your space end up being insanely important to your development as a person. With that said, there will be mistakes that happen in life that make you question your position in life. And not only that, but you will question how each and every person has shaped your life for the good and bad.

I have been analyzing the term "fuck boy" a lot more closely lately because I find it surfacing a lot more abundantly than it has in the past. I hear it more often, and quite frankly it sickens me. I find it discouraging for men and even a little derogatory. However there is a side of me that aches for the times I have personally been affected by the "fuck boy". In essence it is a descriptor for the modern male, the sex crazed beast manipulating heart throb. Maybe I am being dramatic but how many of us have been used and abused by the guy I am describing. But where does it come from? How was he created? And does it work the other way around with women? I think so. I also believe that this "syndrome" is instilled before we even understand what is happening. There is absolutely something to say about how children are raised. But I also believe there is a cultural difference. I know black men who live with their mothers not to save or to organize themselves financially, but because they can and will never be told to leave. In the saddest cases they are not even aware of a way to leave. They were never given the tools and if they were, they were never expected to retain it. Why? Because black moms as a mass treat their black boys a little different. I know daughters from the same families who have been out on their own since they were young. Fending for themselves and making their own way. Both alternatives take tolls in different ways. She grows up never feeling comfortable getting comfortable; and he grows up being too comfortable, staying in places he isn't wanted, and relying on people just to get whatever he needs to be OK at that time. It is a societal sickness that over time has plagued our relationships and who we are as a whole. I am not even going to make this a black thing, but most times this is where we see this happening. I read an article the other day about prostitution in the Boston area and scanned my brain collecting names of girls whom I knew personally who had adopted this lifestyle. I compared their upbringings and tried to come to a conclusion as to why they ended up here, and each time it always lead back to love. 

From my perception I believe fuck boys and girls (because we are not exempt) are created by a lack of love, or put more simply,  a lack of emotional communication. As humans we each need love, whether we admit it out loud to ourselves or not. Hugs and kisses are insanely beneficial but talking is just as important. Verbally and physically supporting someone can change their life. Communication isn't taken as seriously as it should be in our society today and I think there is something to be said about that. People are living off of internal thoughts, and because emoting is frowned upon we live in silence. Breeding a mass of fuck boys and girls, whether we are aware of it or not. 

I am a fuck girl.  

I made this realization the other day when I sat desensitized by my own emotions. I was stuck in deep thought trying to figure out what it was I truly wanted. Internally I have so much love, but most times I keep it to myself. Almost as if I am afraid of someone noticing how much I have to give, and then potentially using me for it. When instead I should feel empowered by the love that overflows within me. I shouldn't hide it and I shouldn't be embarrassed by it. I grew up feeling that masking my love was a way to protect it, a way to make sure no one could break me down. I was raised by a single mom who almost never expressed, especially with me. She bottled her sorrows and worries and made sure I saw strength at all times. She never wanted to let me see her spirit weakened nor did she ever want me to know why if I did see a glimpse. I was hardened by this, but though she empowered me, she added to my being a fuck girl. To this day I resort to silence.

My silence takes me out of focus at times. Most recently it clouded my judgement and put me in a position to ruin the best partnership I have ever had in my life. I constantly find myself feeling anxious about things that are unsaid. I can even admit that at times I feel depressed. Sometimes it is an ongoing struggle that lasts days or weeks. Other times I shut down for a few moments, before I allow my mind to whip me back into shape, keeping my face straight and my thoughts positive. This is me most days. But why? 

What are we all afraid of? Where did these emotions originate? 

We are all so afraid of getting hurt. We would rather expose very little to preserve ourselves than to be open and candid. Unbeknownst to us, it is candid conversation that builds the strongest of relationships. It is speaking and emoting openly that makes the love last. It builds the bond in any relationship, and it is that transparency that will break the syndrome.

 Thoughts?