Not enough
A little something I wrote about BotW's Zelda. While there are other Zelda's I prefer design-wise, HOLY HELL do I relate to her BotW incarnation the most. The feeling you're not good enough for your family, despite your best efforts... Well, my situation is not as bad as hers, but it can still hurt sometime.
But enough rambling, please enjoy this little piece. ;)
Silence hung over the royal dinner table. An uncomfortable, heavy silence.
Zelda remembered a time when it had been different. When there had been three people at the table, and warm laughter had echoed through the air. Laughter that was gone now for already too long.
She ate slowly, deliberately. Savouring every second of silence, despite it being uncomfortable. Because she knew, as soon as her father would start talking, it was gonna get painful. He had been too busy to properly meet with her after her return, but that reprieve was about to end.
And sure enough – after the silence had stretched on a little while longer, he did not disappoint.
"So, Zelda… has the trip to the spring of Courage finally awakened your powers?"
Only because she'd known it was coming did the princess not flinch. She finished chewing, using the time to brace herself one last time. Then she swallowed and put for and knife down on the table.
"No, father, it has not."
Despite her better judgement, she briefly glanced at him – and regretted it immediately. The disappointment on his face stabbed at her heart as painfully as any dagger or sword.
"You are fourteen years old now", he said, the disappointment even bleeding into his voice. "It is high time your powers awakened. Your mother was already well versed in their use at your age."
Zelda gritted her teeth. If possible, those words hurt even more. Being compared to the mother she had lost far too early…
"I know, father."
"And we do not know how much time we have left. The Calamity can return any day now. You need to awaken your powers as soon as possible."
"I know, father."
He didn't need to tell her that. She knew all too well what was at stake. The thought that people were gonna die, lots of people, that those she cared for would die if she failed, lay on her soul like an impossibly heavy weight. Some nights, it kept her awake, and her mind tried to frantically come up with any idea on how to awaken her powers so this scenario would never come to pass. She was not certain she could bear the knowledge of anyone dying because of her failure. In those moments, she cursed the fate that had put the burden of having to fight the Calamity on her. But the fortune tellers were spotting the signs, and even Zelda herself, even without her powers awakened, could sense the growing darkness. Oh yes, the Calamity was going to return during her lifetime… and unfortunately it seemed to going to happen sooner rather than later.
"You need to train twice as hard", king Bosphoram of Hyrule went on. "We cannot waste any time. You need to be ready when the day comes. Without the power of sealing, the Calamity will be unstoppable."
Zelda's eyes started burning. She tried her best to not let on. This was not the first time she had heard that tirade. He did not need to remind her. Him doing so felt as if he were rubbing salt into a wound. She wanted to scream at him that she was doing her best, that it was not her own fault that she had no idea how to awaken her powers, that she knew what was at stake. But she did none of that. For one, such behaviour did not befit a princess. And secondly… it was fear chaining the words in her mouth. She did not want to upset her father. Because despite everything… he still was family. The only family she had left. And the little girl inside her that had lost her mother recoiled at the thought of in some manner losing her father too.
"I know all that, father", she said, using every ounce of her strength to remain calm. A faint glimmer of hope rose in her chest as she continued. "And I will keep training hard. In the meantime, I might have found another means of helping us defend against the Calamity."
"Oh?" King Bosphoram raised an eyebrow.
Zelda breathed a silent sigh of relief. At least he was listening – for now.
"Yes. As you know, the old texts talk about a technology that the ancient Sheikah possessed to aid the hero and the princess against the Calamity then thousand years ago. During my studies I have come across hints that we actually may be able to recover the technology and use it ourselves. That's why I ask you to allow me to look into it, to send the Sheikah researchers on excavations and task them with uncovering as much about that technology as possible."
A sceptical frown appeared on the king's face.
"Please, think about it, father. Any advantage we can gain over the Calamity can only be to our benefit. And that technology has already proven itself."
As Zelda looked at her father, waiting for his decision, she held her breath. Prayed to the goddess Hylia that he would agree. Because she almost desperately needed this. As long as her sealing powers wouldn't awaken, this was the only way she could do anything to further their chances against the Calamity. The only way she wouldn't feel… useless. The only way she wouldn't feel like a failure. And perhaps, for the first time, her father would be proud of her. After all, it was a tremendous discovery by her very own, not by any of the Sheikah scientists. A technology that was then thousand years old, a technology that already had defeated the Calamity once…
Finally, king Bosphoram sighed. "Very well. I don't suppose it will hurt trying to recover that technology. I will have the Sheikah work together with you."
At those words, a bubble of elation rose in Zelda's chest. She had permission. She could actually contribute something meaningful to the fight!
"BUT. That does not mean you can play around with toys. You still have to focus on awakening your sealing powers. They are after all essential to defeating the Calamity. Without them, we are doomed before the fight even starts. So do not waste too much time on dabbling in old relics. Did you know that people have already started talking? About the princess who can't awaken her powers? The useless princess?" He sighed. "By the goddess Hylia, even Link has already obtained the Master Sword. When he was almost still a boy, too. While you are still slacking off in awakening the sealing powers."
Everything inside Zelda turned cold. Her elation, gone in the faction of a second. She was stunned by the pain the words inflicted on her. Stunned by the shock of how easily her father had soured one of her proudest moments. A complete disregard of what a tremendous achievement it would be, recovering that ancient technology, even without the Calamity looming on the horizon. No regard for her feelings at all. The only thing he cared about was her awakening her powers.
To be fair, she could even understand it to a degree. She too wanted to protect Hyrule from destruction. But he had no words of encouragement or comfort for her. Every failed attempt was met with disappointment and scorn. As if it was somehow her fault that her mother had died too early, leaving Zelda to figure out everything on her own. And he had no idea, no idea at all how difficult that was.
Unable to bear his presence any longer, she stood.
"I'm not hungry anymore. I will excuse myself, father."
Then she turned and walked towards the dining hall's door.
"Zelda!"
She didn't pause. She didn't turn back. All she wanted to get away, to be alone.
Of course she understood his frustration. By the goddess, she was probably the one who was the most frustrated about the situation. The last thing she wanted was people dying because she couldn't awaken her sealing powers. But did her father have uplifting words for her? No. Instead he kicked her when she was already down. Oh, she had explained to him how difficult it was, having to figure out everything without a teacher. In very clear, easy to understand terms even. But for some reason, he simply didn't care.
And that hurt. That hurt so badly.
Oh, how she longed for Urbosa to be here. The Gerudo queen was kind and understanding, a mother to Zelda in everything but blood. Unfortunately, at least for Zelda, Urbosa had her own kingdom to rule, which left precious little occasions for a visit. And the Hyrulian princess couldn't exactly travel to Gerudo Town all the time either.
There was nobody Zelda could talk to. Nobody to comfort or encourage her.
By some miracle, she made it to her room without losing her composure. Those she met on her way, she greeted with a silent, short nod, afraid that the dams may break if she opened her mouth. But once the door was shut firmly behind her, she threw herself onto her bed and started crying bitterly. Trying to somehow mend her shattered heart. And trying to somehow come to terms with the fact that, whatever she tried, to her father, it was never going to be enough.
That she was never going to be enough.
