There she goes again. A beautiful goddess of melanin. Adorned in confidence and inner beauty. Surrounded by an aura of sophistication.

That’s what I wish he said. Instead I got something like. “Ey, shorty with the fro. Yo, you with the long sexy legs.”

At what point is this okay? To subject me to my outsides. Never objecting to explore my insides. And no I’m not referring to my pink matter.

Because I’m more than what I can do to you. I’m more than how good I can make you feel. This hurricane and tsunami that I keep at bay. Are only part of everything that I contain.

See my fro keeps my intelligence warm and protected. So it doesn’t freeze up when I need it or suffer when you speak. And these long sexy legs of mine? They keep me standing tall so I can raise the bar and overlook your insolence.

I made the mistake of falling in love. Not so much of the act of it all. More so the person for whom I caught these feelings. In any case, I fucked up.

See, I thought it was perfect. He was going through, I was too. I’d just gotten out of my relationship. And he was well on his way.

Well, that’s what I thought. I accepted second place because he was who I wanted. Someone who had eluded me for so long. I just couldn’t pass up this golden opportunity.

It started with us just catching up. Then came us feeling each other out. Leading to the kissing and rubbing and licking and sucking. Ending with an abrupt stop in communication.

Weeks went by and the crazy kicked in. Dreams of slashed tires and cracked windshields. Broken jaws, cut skin and baseball bats. Oh, the delightful joy of vengeful acts.

Then came the alcohol induced tears. And the drunken texts and calls. I ended up in your driveway that night. And I spilled my guts while I told it all.

Now we’re here in this moment. And I find myself in a pickle. Because no matter what I do. You just can’t feel like I feel for you.

It’s so funny that. The moment I walk away from “love”. It does its best to find me. 

The fear of commitment alone. Is enough to make me sick. And no, this ain’t no figurative illness.

But let’s be clear. It’s not the actual commitment. That haunts me in the dark.

I’m talking about broken hearts in the shadows. Soul-less individuals lingering in dark corners. The pillow of unrequited love leaving me breathless.

See I’ve done so much for the wrong ones. I don’t even want to try a “good” one. And it’s not because I’m afraid of being loved.

Fearing being awakened for no reason.......Now that’s got me shook up. Knowing if I let him in, he always has the option to leave.

Because that’s what I won’t do. I’m not willing to part ways again. I just won’t say goodbye anymore.

Those words are painful. They mark the end of all things. They establish that finality. 

So if you ever see me running. I’m not running for my life. I’m running for my heart. 

I’m running, keeping up my guard. I’m running to remain sane. I’m running, staying in my single lane. 

I’m not asking to be chased. I swear I just need some space. Ok I lied; I need an escape.

We just found happiness; us three. Yea we get sad sometimes but. Without the sad, there could be no happy.

In a world of kept promises and words. Good intentions and even better actions. Maintenance of self-worth and self-love. 

There’s no reason for tears. No room to house any fears. And time is always on our side.

And then she changed for the better. No longer did she walk the same. Her gait increased in confidence. As she let go of the weight of old.

I can’t remember the last time I saw her smile like that. So bright it lit up the dark side of the moon. Her laugh was even a little different. Full of heart; containing so much life.

The words that she spoke, sounded so light. Like she had not a single worry in the world. Lord knows she needed this change. It had been a long time coming.

Years of unrequited love and hurt feelings. Little return and huge upsets. She gave and gave and gave. While all they did was take and take and take.

Love all around, I look and see. Then I question the very worth in me. Am I worthy? Or will it forever pass me by? Will I ever find it? Will I know if I look it in the eye?

I don’t want to be kept but I want to be held. Not to be owned but to belong instead. A place I can go, not to call my own. But a place to find comfort; one I call home.

To feel like I’m wanted is all I desire. When I look in your eyes, I want to feel that fire. I want dates & getaways & everything in between. Fuck sex, I want to be your mind raped Queen.

Many tears have been cried and my heart broken. My ears have been deafened by the fucked up words spoken. Broken promises and empty sentences said. Are the very reason I find myself up on this ledge.

This pain I feel; this dagger in my heart. Wasn’t placed there by me, but it is my fault. Because I unwrapped this organ as I exposed another. Hoping entrance in one, would close the other.

Time after time, I’ve repeatedly been proven wrong. I’ve got enough drama to write song after song. However, I’m still holding on to hope: one day I’ll get it right. But until then, I’ll just cry myself to sleep at night.

I’ll rise in the morning with a smile on my face. Pretending what happened last night, never took place. Continuing to place my heart on my sleeve. Praying to God the next one doesn’t leave.

Eventually I’ll find a partner to call my own. With whom I may start to build my home. Someday I’ll be held by him and kept safe from harm. Without a word spoken; just by the warmth of his arm.

There’s so many things I want to say

But the thought of seeing you is too much

I saw you in church today and I had to hold back tears

My tears of anger and sadness

A terrible combination

Sadness because I miss you but know I can never speak to you again

Sadness because all I want to do is hear your voice but know it’ll never happen

Anger because I could’ve loved you but you left so abruptly

Anger because you awakened something in me and didn’t keep your promise

You told me you were gonna stay but you lied

You said we’d remain friends but you lied

Maybe I’m more upset with myself than anyone else

I should’ve known better than to believe you

To begin to care for you like I did

You were my Mr. Perfect, my Sleeping Beauty

But all along I know the truth