ā you have no idea what kind of effect you have on the people around you.
dinnae ken how good or bad or in between he means so ah guess heās spot oan. think thit most ay the difference ah make when ahām in a room is how much ay the air ahām taking in from everyone else.Ā fact ah give a second round ay the o2 through ma body then oot and intae everyone elseās; like everyone spits in a cup and we say drink.Ā ah feel a bit like a weird little add on tae the social sphere like thit. didnae think ah had much an effect oan anyone: thitās where ma apathy sits and gets intae bed where ahām aw cozy wi it. hearing anything on the contrary feels like a sharp something tae the guts. dinnae ken whit thit is either. could be anything tae dae wi the mouth itās come from.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā so ma hanging heid oan ma bed goes from straight dozing tae straight up n alert n eyeing boris from oot ay the corner ay ma eye. dinnae ken whether heās talking aboot ma effect or the general you - general you, ah salute - like the pointed social commentary kind weāre both stupidly fond of. the initial self centred but entirely plausible (if ahām no just pasting ma rose tinted view on whit ah like fir our whitever type ay relationship tae be) kept me oan the road tae thinking it was me. genuinely plainly aw aboot mark breathing in all thit air n breathing the bad shit back oot fir everyone else tae swallow renton.Ā ahām no fucking dumb, aw ah dae is think aboot other people, good or bad thoughts. ah ken thit people think aboot other people, ahām no the only cognitive fucker going likes. the thought ay getting a thought oan me though, fully oan me, still gets me totally scoobied. naw, ah ken thit scoobied isnae the word oan the tip ay ma tongue right now but ah dinnae ken one better. ah dinnae seem tae ken very much recently n whenever ah do, itās embarrassing.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā first things first: ma eyes retreat. hover away from boris n ma side eyeing shenanigans because the scoobied feeling gets ma stomach acting up n giving us a plunging feeling too. ah look away from him sitting on the other end ay ma bed n let the peekers hang across ma bedroom instead.Ā they land on billyās bed.Ā best thing he couldāve done, the fucker, leaving the house aftir doing the worst thing he couldāve done fir me today (see coming home early n sweeping in oan ma free time like the thieving eagle eyed cunt he is).Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā naw, he left. ah shouldnae dwell. ah close ma eyes fir a moment n let ma heid swing back and bang against the head board ay the bed behind me. ah give it a good knock once and then give another, slow but audible n hard fucking hitting thank you very much.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā the clanking sound ay the wood against the wall hits n ahām suddenly reminded ay the heavenly prints up above me posted up behind the bed oan the wall:Ā Ā music, artists, fitba.Ā Ā ah think aboot the shot ay the famous five, the hibs forward line, thitās up behind me; the lot ay them wearing the same green shirt ah lent boris just a day ago. the loud fucking noise ah wouldāve made if anyone else asked tae keep it any longer than the length of a game ā the small fuckin chance ah wouldāve lent it out in the first place. ma stingy gene didnae even kick in. he asked n ah smiled.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ah smile now. eyes closed n widespread oan ma face. the scoobied feelin does a flip in ma guts. naw, ah cannae dae this blind. ah let the smile rest n fade. ah let vision back in next n go tae glance at boris but think better ay masel.Ā Ā ā better stop acting up then, aye?Ā Ā ah go, vague as.Ā Ā ā better chill oot if it turns oot people are actually watching.Ā