#borderline crack

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It felt like an eternity until the Heart Pirates finally felt safe enough to surface once more. No one was happier about it than Bepo but even Shachi had to admit the fresh air felt great—if it didn’t come with the fucking navy battle ship right in their faces.

That alone took away about eight years of his lifespan.

But seeing Boa Hancock, the Pirate Empress, the most beautiful woman in the world, stepping onto their deck, blessing their measly little submarine with her dazzling presence, beauty, and charisma, well… that alone added about sixteen years of his life back. He would absolutely take this deal again.

Ah, if only he could take Bepo’s place and be her personal servant… Or better yet, Straw Hat’s place and have her worry about him like this.

The pirate was so damn lucky.

Suddenly, Shachi was ripped away from his fantasy by words spoken by the… person whose presence Shachi had been trying to ignore.

“By the way, who are you? Straw Hat boy’s friend?”

Shachi did a double take at Ivankov’s question. What was this, a woman’s—Drag Queen’s—intuition? He hadn’t even seen Law and Straw Hat interact. He hadn’t been subjected to that sorry excuse for flirting that they had going on since Law’s first ‘Straw Hat-ya’ and yet, he still knew they were one unsupervised moment away from kissing each other stupid—

“Please tell me you misheard him say ‘Straw Hat’s boyfriend’ too and it’s not just me,” Penguin whispered into his ear, begging.

Shachi startled, blinking once, twice, before he realised what Ivankov had actually said. Way to make it sound misleading. Heaving a deep sigh, Shachi’s shoulders sagged as he nodded. “Sure did.”

The two of them looked at each other, two identical, tired gazes meeting before they simultaneously turned to look at their idiot Captain, both having the sense of absolute and utter defeat descend upon them.

And really, how could they not feel completely resigned? Looking at Law, seeing him all fidgety and glancing at the door leading into the Tang every few seconds like he was dying to go back even while in the middle of a conversation with Boa Hancock, Emporio Ivankov, and Knight of the Sea Jinbe—in other words, three insanely powerful and scary people—and well…

They were fucked.  

Law was admittedly the one who was the most fucked out of all of them but the rest of the Hearts were still doomed to getting dragged into this thing that Law and Straw Hat had going on anyway by simple association.

As soon a Law disappeared back inside, a large shadow appeared right behind Shachi and Penguin. Slowly, Shachi turned his head around to look, only to come into an uncomfortably close contact with a huge face covered by a thick layer of make up, impossibly long and thick eyelashes, and a toothy smile so wide it made Shachi’s cheeks hurt just looking at it. Seriously, did this guy—was it even right to call him that?—ever close his mouth fully or did he just walk around with his teeth exposed 24/7?

Shachi wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to that.

"I saw you exchanging that look earlier,” Ivankov said slowly with his strange intonation and, even though his smile didn’t falter at all, Shachi had never felt quite so intimidated in his life. “Tell me, why did Doctor boy save Straw Hat boy?"

For a moment, no one moved. Shachi and Penguin just stared up and Ivankov’s face hovering above them, making it obvious he wasn’t about to let them get away. But that didn’t mean they shouldn’t at least try… right?

“Why—” Shachi gulped before attempting to speak again. “Why should we tell you?”

Ivankov raised an eyebrow, regarding Shachi with a critical look before replying, "Because! I need to know if I can trust him with the boy's life!" he said, his voice unyielding as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Shachi and Penguin exchanged a look. Shachi had hoped Penguin would have an idea on how to get the hell out of this... situation but he could see it in his eyes that his partner was exactly as clueless as Shachi himself.

Well.

This didn’t look very good.

Quickly glancing around himself, Shachi tried to look for a way out—a door, a mouse hole, a person to save him. But there was nothing. Nothing but the Pirate Empress peeking shyly inside the the Tang and mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like ‘Luffy,’ Jinbe sitting on the deck looking like he was about to fall asleep, and Bepo who was actually asleep, enjoying the breeze.

In other words… there was no escape.

Shachi took a step back. “Uhm,” he could barely let out, looking anywhere but Ivankov’s face.

“Well,” Penguin said, his voice weak and uncertain as he mirrored Shachi’s attempt at retreat.

“Come on!” Ivankov insisted, quickly filling up the space the two Hearts had managed to put between them by merely tilting his giant head.

“We can’t!” Shachi said, trying to keep his voice steady and firm. He wasn’t sure if he had succeeded—especially not with the four quick steps back he took.

“It’s not our place to tell you!” Penguin joined in.

Three more steps back.

“Tell me!”  

Two more steps—

Shachi’s back hit something.

He cursed internally, pushing his back against the Tang’s wall as he tried to get as far away as he could, possibly far enough to phase through the metal and disappear inside the sub.

“Hm?” Ivankov drew out, his face getting closer… closer…

Bigger?  

Shachi’s eyes widened so much that he wouldn’t have been surprised if they just fell out of their sockets. He could only stare as the Drag Queen stabbed himself in his face, glowering down at him and Penguin from further and further up as his already huge face inflated more and more and more.  

Shachi couldn’t do it.

“Captain! Save me!” Shachi screamed, not even trying to hide how terrified he was anymore.

“He’s not going to help us,” Penguin piped up, voice so weak that Shachi could barely hear him from where he stood right next to him. “He’s too busy with Straw Hat.”

“Shit,” Shachi cursed as he closed his eyes and prayed for a miracle.

A gust of wind blew past Shachi then and he dared to peek through his lids… only to regret every life decision that had led to him ever bearing witness to the Queen of Drag Queens, head half the size of the entire Polar Tang, twirling in place at great speed, before he suddenly stopped, striking a pose with a deafening cry of ‘WAAHOO!’  

It was such a bizarre sight that for a second, Shachi had thought, oh, just a dream…  

But his mind could never—never—come up with this. Which meant it was real, which meant the cold grin and impossibly giant eyes that were now inches away from his face were real, too.

And then…

Shachi screamed.

"Ahhh I give! I give!! We'll tell you, just stop please!"

"For the love of god, don't tell him we said anything!” Penguin yelled right along with him, waving his arms in front of himself to try and keep a semblance of personal space.

Ivankov hummed, nodding at them both in approval. “You’re doing great, Candies. Go on, don’t be shy!”

Shachi took a deep but shaky breath.

He felt Penguin tense next to him, knowing what Shachi was about to do.

And Shachi simply closed his eyes, mulling the words over in his mouth; he felt like he was preparing for death instead of saying a few simple words. Just stating out loud what anyone could see if they spent two minutes with Law and Straw Hat in the same room…

Fuck it. "The Captain’s got a crush," he muttered quietly.

One could hear a hair falling in the silence that had settled over the deck at his words. It was like the sea itself was dreading what was to come, a retribution in the form of an absolutely livid Law or maybe a lightning striking from the cloudless blue skies above.

Yet, nothing came, no matter how long he waited.

“Ohohoho…" the sound of Ivankov’s quiet, impressed chuckle was the first sound that Shachi had noticed.

Cracking one eye open after what felt like an eternity, Shachi was relieved to see Ivankov’s face back to its usual size, the ever-present grin having turned to something calmer, more thoughtful as the Queen studied Shachi’s expressions and body language.

And then he finally nodded, seemingly reaching a satisfying conclusion in his mind as he turned around, thanking Shachi and Penguin before strutting away.

Immediately, Shachi’s knees gave in and he slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor, completely lifeless; at least Penguin was in exactly the same boat, right next to him on the floor.

“So this is the power of a Revolutionary Army top executive,” Penguin muttered after a while.

Before Shachi could muster the strength to say anything, a deep calm voice spoke up instead. “I’m pretty sure that’s just Ivankov.”

Shachi heaved a sigh at Jinbe’s words. The man was right. But putting it like that didn’t make Shachi feel any better about spilling one of his best friends’ secret like that.

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Law rubbed at his eyes. Not only was he in a sore need of a nap after spending the whole night on Straw Hat’s and Jinbe’s operations, now he couldn’t even enjoy his damn coffee in peace.

“Hey, Doctor boy,” Ivankov said, sliding into the chair opposite of him in the kitchen.

Who had even let him inside? Law was going to have a word with them. He didn’t even bother to reply; he simply stared back at the Drag Queen impassively for a moment before sighing and turning his attention back to his steaming cup of coffee, completely ignoring him.

Ivankov seemed unphased, however. “Wanna come with us to Kamabakka after Straw Hat boy recovers? We can teach you a lot!”

Blinking once, twice… Law tried to process whatever the hell the idiot had just said.

But, meeting Ivankov’s eager eyes, seeing his suggestive wink… Law felt a chill run up his spine. Now he was positive he didn’t even want to know.

Without a word, Law picked up his coffee and left the kitchen, heading right back to the OR. He needed to check on Straw Hat—it was nothing short of a miracle that he had survived the operation in the first place, he was most certainly not out of danger. He needed to be there in case something went to shit.

Law shook his head, chasing all thoughts of that possibility away. He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to imagine a world where he would never be able to watch this reckless idiot punching a Celestial Dragon again.

Or be able to see his bright, carefree smile, or the warm spark of quiet determination in his eyes.

No; that wasn’t the reason. He was simply going there to check his vitals because he had a lot of pride invested in that half-dead body, as a surgeon. Nothing more.

Or to be precise—as he slammed the door to the OR closed behind himself, finally shutting out Ivankov’s giggling, he reminded himself; if nothing else, in his current state, Straw Hat certainly wasn’t going look at him like he was waiting for the first opportunity to put him in drag.

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