prompt #17 for reddie? :)
“I want to feel like this forever.”
just a little miniseries reddie for you. ❤️🧡💛💚💙
you can also read it on ao3
***
After Derry, after the hospital, after almost a year of recovery and fighting with his mother every day multiple times a day about seeing Richie, Eddie has had enough.
“Ma, I’m leaving,” Eddie says quietly to the mirror in the cramped bathroom he’d shared with her since he was a late teen. He clears his throat. “Ma, now don’t get— Please don’t get—” Pause. “Ma, I’m forty-one years old. It is well past time I moved out and—” He groans.
This is a disaster. He knows she’s going to see right through him, she’s going to know this is because of Richie.
And she’s not entirely wrong. To be fair though, he knows he’s not doing it for Richie, but Richie is a huge motivating factor to get out from his mother’s thumb. All Eddie really wants right now is to be with his love, and he knows his mother is going to have issues with it, but he can’t live for her any more.
Eddie opens his mouth to rehearse some more when Sonia knocks on the door and Eddie lets out a little shriek.
“Eddie, darling, are you alright?” She calls through the door.
“I’m fine, ma.” He flushes the toilet and washes his hands as she tries to delay the inevitable.
“Well, hurry up, your supper’s getting cold.”
When he opens the door, she is still standing there, waiting.
“Ma, what are you doing? Let’s go eat.” He takes her elbow and guides her down the stairs just the way she likes. Pot roast is waiting for them in the dining room, and as Eddie helps push in Sonia’s chair, he can’t help but wonder if this is going to be the last meal of hers he’s ever going to eat.
He sits down across from her and waits for her to dish him up some food. They talk quietly through dinner, but it’s all haze. Eddie forgets what he’s saying almost as soon as the words leave his mouth.
Half an hour later, Sonia clucks at him. “Eddie, dear, you’ve barely touched your food. Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”
“I’m fine, just not really hungry.” He takes a deep breath. “Actually, ma, there is something I wanted to talk to you about.”
“Oh? And what’s that?”
Just do it. Just say it. You can do this. You killed an alien, you can do this, Eddie tells himself.
“Ma,” he starts and stops. “Ma, first of all, I just want to tell you that I love you very much.”
“I love you, too, Eddie.” She frowns at him and he has to look away.
“Ma, I— I’m moving out.”
“Moving out? Don’t be ridiculous, Eddie, dear. Where do you think you can go? Your home is here with me.”
“Ma, I’m forty-one. I’m a— I’m—” He swallows hard. He can’t quite make himself say, I’m a forty-one year old gay virgin, so instead he says, “Richie has a spare room. I’m going to move in with him.” He doesn't tell her he’s not going to stay in the guest room.
“With Richie? Richie Tozier?” She shrieks. “That vile little boy grew up to be a vile man. You can’t. I won’t allow it.”
“I’m not asking for your permission, ma, I’m telling you what’s going to happen.”
Sonia looks at him in disbelief. “Edward Kaspbrak, how dare you talk to me like this. I can’t believe what you are saying. You can't leave me like this. You need me, Eddie.”
“No, ma, you need me. And I can’t do it any more. I’m sorry, but I can’t— I can’t be your excuse to not be happy any more.”
Glowering, Sonia asks, “And just what is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you never gave yourself a chance to be happy after pop died because you were afraid of getting hurt again. You— You put all your energy and attention into me. I was your whole world so you didn’t have to go find a new husband, a new life. You were afraid and you made me afraid, and I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”
Sonia blinks. “I never once stopped you from— from having a life. You were always allowed to have a relationship. You were the one who broke up with Myra.”
“Ma, that’s not— I don’t—” He sighs. “Don’t make me say it.”
“Say what, Eddie? Explain it to me. Explain to me why you are abandoning your dear old mother. Your mother who took care of you your whole life through. I never asked for anything, never wanted anything in return, and this is the thanks I get?”
“Ma, just— I’m leaving, ok? I’m leaving tonight and—”
“Oh, Eddie, just tell me why. I’d understand if- if it was for a girl, maybe, but that nasty man—”
“Richie’s not nasty, ma, he’s wonderful. You just don’t like him because he treats me better than you.”
“He’s dirty!”
“He’s not!
“He’ll get you into trouble. Trouble like before. You really think—”
“Think he’ll take care of me if I have another accident? Yes, he will. He hardly left my side. He was there when I needed him in the middle of the night. He paid for your room, too, and you never really thanked him.” Sonia makes a small move noise of disapproval. “Look, ma. He moved here. He moved here after I got out of the hospital. He’s— He—” He shakes his head a little. “There’s nothing that I can say that will explain this in a satisfactory way, so please, just- just—” Just try and understand, is what he wants to say, but the words won’t come.
“Eddie, I only want what’s best for you, can’t you see that?” Sonia asks. “That friend of yours can’t take care of you the way that I can.”
“No, ma. No one takes care of me like you do,” Eddie says carefully. He knows they are close to the edge and he doesn’t really want to spill over. Even after everything, he believes that she loves him and only wants what she thinks is best for him, but her whole world view was totally screwed. She had done her best, but it's time to get on with his life. Their life together isn't fair to either of them.
“Then why do you want to leave me?”
“It’s not you, ma. Leaving is just something I gotta do.” Eddie looks at her and wishes he hadn’t. She’s crying and looks so, so small. She’d never really looked small before and it scares him.
“But why?”
He almost says, Because I love him, but he is literally saved by the doorbell.
“Oh, who could that be at this hour?” Sonia sniffs and starts to get up.
“It’s for me, ma. It’s— It’s Joey. He’s going to help me get my stuff over to Richie’s.”
“And where is Richie then?” Sonia asks as Eddie heads towards the door.
“At home. We thought it would be less… upsetting if you didn’t see him right now.” And it clearly worked well, cause you are so, so calm, he thinks to himself. He opens the door and smiles at his favorite coworker. Well, soon to be ex-coworker because Eddie and Richie are moving to LA in a few weeks. Guilt fills Eddie’s stomach when he realizes he hasn’t told his mother this yet.
One thing at a time, Eddie tells him.
“Hey, Joey, thanks for this again.”
“Any time, Eddie. How is she?” Joey looks past Eddie to try and see Sonia for himself.
“She’s… taking it about as well as can be expected at this point.” Eddie glances back over his shoulder to see if she’s come out of the dining room or not, and is relieved to find the hall empty.
“Come on. My room is upstairs.” Eddie moves aside so Joey can come in, and Eddie is struck by the realization that Joey is the first friend he’s had over since he was a kid. He doesn’t count Myra because that had been just a huge disaster.
It had never been a real relationship, they hadn’t even kissed. It had been so easy to just pretend like he wanted to wait for marriage, that he was an old fashioned kind of guy, and Myra had happily gone along with it. Sometimes Eddie almost felt sorry for her, but he knew that she didn’t love him any more than he loved her.
Honestly, even if Eddie weren’t gay, he knows his mother would never have really let him marry Myra, and he would be here irregardless. There had been no escaping his mother.
They head up the stairs, and Eddie can hear Sonia crying in the kitchen. He hopes she stays there.
Eddie doesn’t have much stuff he actually wants to take, and between Joey and himself, it only takes one trip to get all his stuff. They put his things in the trunk and Eddie sighs.
“I’m going to go say goodbye. This may take a while. If it gets too late, call Richie and—”
“I know the plan, Eddie. It’s ok. It’s going to be fine.”
Eddie giggles. “Yeah, sure. You wanna go in for me?” He points to the door.
“Not a chance in hell.” They both laugh. “Good luck, Eddie.” Joey squeezes Eddie's shoulder, and Eddie sighs a little.
“Thanks. I’m going to need it.” He takes another deep breath and turns to walk up the path. He opens the door and steps back in. He rubs his face as he goes to find Sonia. She’s in the kitchen staring at the leftover pot roast.
“I’m leaving, ma. I just— I just wanted to say goodbye.”
Sonia says nothing.
“Ma, please. Please try to understand. I’m not doing this to hurt you. I just want a chance to be happy.”
Sonia begins to put the leftovers away.
“Ma, say something. Please.” When she doesn’t say anything, Eddie nods. “It’s ok, ma. Maybe one day you’ll understand. Maybe one day we’ll be able to talk again.” He turns and walks down the hall.
“Eddie?” Sonia calls from the kitchen.
“Yeah, ma?” He turns and sees her watching from the kitchen doorway.
“If you leave, I never want to see you again,” Sonia says.
Swallowing hard, Eddie nods. “I love you, ma.” He turns and leaves, closing the door quietly behind him. He hates this, hates himself, hates everything. He stews in his guilt all the way to Richie’s. When they get there, Eddie hesitates.
“You want me to go get Richie?” Joey asks.
Eddie doesn’t say anything for a long moment, just sits there thinking about how Joey was the best friend he had without the Losers, and even though they’d been friends for years Joey knew very little about Eddie’s life. Eddie is amazed that Joey would be willing to just drop everything to help him. Slowly, Eddie shakes his head. “No, come on. Let’s go in. I’m tired and ready for tonight to be over.”
“Ok.” Joey squeezes Eddie’s shoulder. They get out and grab the bags. They walk up the steps and Richie opens the door before they can knock on the door.
“Hey! Eddie Spaghetti! Welcome home!” He lifts Eddie up and pulls him into a tight hug and kisses his ear.
“Hi, Richie.”
Richie puts him down. “Uh oh. I take it things didn't go well with Mama Kaspbrak?” He ruffles Eddie’s hair and he can’t help but smile.
“We’ll talk about it in a bit.”
Grabbing Eddie’s face, Richie pulls him close and he gives him a huge smooch. “Ok, babes.” He looks up at Joey and steps aside to let them both in. “Thanks for all your help, Joey. We couldn’t have done this without you.”
Joey waves him off. “You’re ok. I was happy to help.” He sets the bags down. “Let me know if you need anything else.”
“Will do,” Richie says. Joey waves and walks back out.
“Bye, Joey. See you Monday!” Eddie calls. He waves and Richie closes the door. He takes a deep breath and leans against the door.
“Was she awful?” Richie asks.
“Oh, yes.” Eddie walks over and pulls Richie’s arms around him. Richie pulls him close and kisses the top of his head.
“I’m sorry, Eds. What can I do?”
Shaking his head, Eddie looks up at Richie. “Thank you for being so amazing.”
“Me? What did I do?” Richie asks.
“You exist.”
Richie smiles and kisses Eddie gently on the lips. “Love you, Spaghetti Man.”
“Love you, too, Richie.” He rests his head on Richie’s chest and they just stand there for a few minutes.
“So, you wanna unpack tonight or just go to bed?” Richie asks.
Eddie takes a deep breath and sighs. “Do you have any ice cream? I didn’t eat much dinner.” It’s weird to think that this time last year, Eddie would have balked at the suggestion of ice cream so close to bedtime, would have pointed out that it would probably give them stomach aches, but in this moment, it’s all he wants.
“I think we might have some. Let’s go look.” He takes Eddie’s hand and laces their fingers together as he leads the way to the kitchen. Eddie leans against the counter as Richie opens the freezer. “We’ve got rocky road and vanilla bean.”
Eddie thinks for a moment and just nods. “Sure.”
“Which one?”
“Both.”
“You got it babes.” Richie puts the ice cream on the counter and gets some spoons. “Want help up?”
“What?”
“If we’re going to eat ice cream out of the carton, we do it sitting on the counter.”
Laughing, Eddie makes a face. “You’re so goofy.” He kisses Richie’s cheek. “Help me up?” He of course doesn’t need help, but he just wants another excuse for Richie to touch him. When they are both up on the counter, Richie opens the ice creams and hands a carton to Eddie. They bang them together and dig in.
After a few minutes of silence, Richie asks, “You wanna talk about it?”
Sighing, Eddie takes another bite of ice cream. “She said she would never talk to me again.”
“And that’s a bad thing?” Richie asks.
“Richie!” Eddie shoves his shoulder smiling a little despite himself. He takes a deep breath. “Look, I know she was terrible, I know she’s going to be terrible, because Lord knows she’s not going to leave me alone despite what she may say, but I can’t help but feel sorry for her. She has nothing without me.”
Richie takes a bite of Eddie’s ice cream and considers this for a moment. “Spaghetti, your mom is what, a million?” Eddie smiles and rolls his eyes. “Your dad died when you were a kid. Your mom has had pretty much your entire life to get a life of her own, but she refused. If your mom really wanted to be happy, she would have found a way, you know? It’s not your job to make her happy, remember?”
Nodding, Eddie sighs. “I know. I just feel bad.” And he does. He really does. It's something he's talked about at great length not only with the Losers but with his therapist, Billie, as well.
Richie tosses his empty ice cream container on the counter and pulls Eddie close.
“Baby, I love you so much. You deserve only the best.” He takes a deep breath. “You deserve to be happy.”
“I know. I love you, too.” He squeezes Richie and pulls back. He tries to stifle a yawn, but Richie sees right through him.
“Aww, Sketti. Let’s go to bed.” He puts the ice cream away and presses another kiss into Eddie’s forehead. “Come on.” He hauls Eddie up into his arms and Eddie shrieks with laughter as he wraps his arms around Richie's neck.
“Are you really going to carry me up to bed bridal style?” Eddie asks.
Richie shrugs. “I thought it was fitting, being your first official night home and all.”
Eddie pulls him close for a kiss. “I love you so much.”
“Love you, too, Eds.”
“There’s only one problem,” Eddie says.
“And what’s that?”
“You’re going to throw out your back.”
Rolling his eyes and laughing, Richie says, “Right, like you are so, so heavy. Pfft. It will be ok.”
“Richie!”
“Eddie! You’re just scared I’m gonna drop you.” They laugh.
“No, I’m not. You would never.” They kiss again. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too.” He pushes his forehead into Eddie’s. “Are you ready for bed?”
“Sure am,” Eddie says. Richie carries Eddie up to his bedroom— to their bedroom.
Their bedroom.
Because Eddie lives here now. Eddie is home.
After Richie puts Eddie down, they get changed into some pajamas. Eddie just wears one of Richie’s undershirts because he'd left his bags downstairs and neither of them wanted to go back down for them. They crawl under the blankets. Richie pulls Eddie close, curling around him. Eddie holds tightly to Richie’s arm and nuzzles into his chest.
Despite his stress and anxiety, Eddie manages to fall asleep pretty quickly. He wakes up early the next morning to the sound of pigeons and Richie snoring softly in his ear. He has to pee but he’s not ready to get up so he just lays there for a few more minutes.
Then he remembers his mother. He sighs and wonders how she’s doing, if she’d managed to get any sleep. He knows Richie is right, that it’s not Eddie’s job to make her happy, but still. It’s hard to let go.
After another minute he sighs and starts to try and pull free, but Richie holds him tighter. Eddie brushes some hair out of his boyfriend’s face and kisses his forehead.
“Rich,” Eddie murmurs.
“Uh uh, not yet.” Richie shoves his face into Eddie’s neck.
“Richie.” Eddie strokes the back of Richie’s neck.
“Just a few more minutes.”
“I just need to pee, and then I’ll be right back.”
“But don’t you have to—” Richie stops, pulls back, and looks up at Eddie. “You are home.”
“Yeah. I am.” Eddie kisses the tip of Richie’s nose. “But I really have to pee.”
Richie smiles widely. “Ok, ok. But you’re coming back.” Clearly he’s not going to be the only one who’s going to need time getting used to this new arrangement.
“Yes, love, I’m coming back.” They share a kiss and then Eddie gets up. After using the toilet, Eddie splashes some water on his face. It’s weird to think that soon he’s going to move 3,000 miles away.
Taking a deep breath, Eddie goes back to Richie. He curls up and pulls him close. They doze for a little while, and when they wake up again, they still aren’t ready to get up.
Richie lays there gently stroking Eddie’s arm and they listen to the soft sounds of spring; the birds, the wind through the trees, the voices from people on the street as they go about their day, and it’s so, so nice.
Neither of them say anything until Richie’s stomach rumbles. Without opening his eyes, Richie grumbles, “Traitor.”
“We can get up and eat and come back,” Eddie points out. “We don’t have to do anything today.”
Ruffling Eddie’s hair, Richie asks, “Why Eddie Kaspbrak, are you really suggesting we procrastinate, that we shirk our duties for the day?”
Smiling gently, Eddie kisses Richie. “I’m saying, I want to feel like this forever.”
“How’s that, Eddie spaghetti?”
Licking his lips, Eddie blushes and ducks his head. “Safe. And loved. Peaceful.”
Richie swallows hard and gives the back of Eddie’s neck a gentle squeeze. “Yeah?” He asks softly. “No regrets.”
Eddie shakes his head, no. “I love you so much. I feel so lucky, so damn lucky that we got this chance again when— We almost lost each other twice. It would have killed me to lose you a third time.”
They fall silent for a moment and then Richie sniffles a little. Shocked, Eddie pulls back to look at him.
“Richie what—?”
“It’s just— I’m just—” He swallows hard and tries to take a deep breath. “I—” He laughs.
“It’s ok, Richie. Talk to me.”
“I just love you so much, and I mean I know you love me, but I didn’t—” He lets out a small sob. “I never hoped, never dreamed you could love me as much as I love you. That— That you would—”
“Richie, I love you so much. Why would you even doubt that?” Eddie wipes away some of Richie’s tears.
“I didn’t. I mean, not really. It’s just—” He sighs. “My past relationships, for the most part, were good. We cared about each other and took care of each other, but they weren’t like this, weren’t this… this intense. It’s so amazing that we got lucky like we did, and I think— I know— I feel like—” He shakes his head a little.
“Richie, are you really at a loss for words?” Eddie asks and Richie laughs.
“I just love you so much. And I want to keep this feeling too. I want this moment to last forever.”
They kiss again and Eddie curls up under Richie’s chin. They don’t sleep, but they don’t talk and they don’t move, and it’s all just so nice.
Eventually they get up and shower so they can go get food, but it’s really ok because they are together and they love each other, and they know things aren’t always going to be smooth, but for right now, for these moments, everything is good, perfect even. They know that in the end, they will always have each other, and that’s more than enough.
