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The Friendly Federal Assassin: How Cole Allen Branded Political Violence Like a HR Onboarding Packet Observations from the Scene He called himself a “friendly federal assassin,” which is the first time in American history someone tried to unionize violence with customer service. Apparently he believed labeling yourself “friendly” works like Yelp reviews… three stars for hospitality, one star for attempted assassination. Authorities say he traveled across state lines with weapons, proving once again that Marxists believe in open borders… at least for themselves. Security at the dinner was so tight that a man carrying a shotgun, pistol, and knives was only stopped when someone noticed he didn’t have a press badge. Witnesses say guests dove under tables, which is the same strategy journalists use when asked who they voted for. The suspect reportedly had no criminal record, which shocked everyone who assumed “friendly federal assassin” was already a registered profession. His manifesto criticized the system, which is ironic because he chose the one career path guaranteed to make the system notice you immediately. He reportedly excluded FBI agents from his hit list, which is the most polite thing anyone’s ever done while committing multiple felonies. A Secret Service agent was saved by a bulletproof vest, proving once again that capitalism’s greatest invention is selling survival back to you. The dinner continued after the chaos, because nothing stops Washington elites from finishing a chicken entrée except maybe polling numbers. He smuggled weapons through security, which experts say required either a brilliant plan or the confidence of a man who’s never waited in a TSA line. Officials called him a “lone wolf,” which is government code for “we’re really hoping there aren’t two of these guys.” He allegedly believed violence would “send a message,” which it did, mainly to metal detector manufacturers who just doubled their prices. Guests later described the evening as “surreal,” which is exactly how most Americans describe watching the news anyway. The phrase “friendly federal assassin” has now entered political discourse, joining other classics like “temporary tax” and “peaceful protest with property damage.” The People’s Assassin, Now with Better Branding WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what analysts are calling “the most aggressively polite assassination attempt in modern history,” 31-year-old Cole Tomas Allen allegedly introduced himself to America not as a criminal, but as a “friendly federal assassin,” a title that sounds less like a threat and more like a government internship program with dental benefits. According to federal prosecutors, Allen faces charges including attempted assassination of the President, firearms violations, and discharge of a firearm during a crime of violence after allegedly opening fire near the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. But the real headline, according to cultural critics, is not the violence. It is the branding. The man didn’t just commit a crime. He launched a personal brand. Somewhere, a LinkedIn algorithm is trying to figure out where to file him. “Frankly, we’re impressed,” said Dr. Leland Krugman, a fictional professor of Applied Ideological Marketing at Georgetown. “Most radicals struggle to connect with everyday Americans. This man created a title that sounds like he might help you file your taxes before attempting to overthrow the system.” From Teacher of the Month to Manifesto of the Month Allen, who reportedly received a “Teacher of the Month” award in December 2024, has now upgraded his ambitions from lesson plans to life sentences. Career counselors call this “lateral movement.” Federal prosecutors call it “count one.” Marxism Meets Customer Service: A Revolutionary Brand Strategy Sources close to the investigation say Allen’s writings expressed grievances against the system, officials, and society at large. Which, in Washington, immediately raised suspicions of Marxist leanings, mostly because he skipped the traditional step of complaining on Twitter and went straight to fieldwork. “Classic Marxist escalation,” explained one anonymous congressional staffer while nervously adjusting a lanyard. “First they critique capitalism, then they read theory, then suddenly they’re trying to breach a security checkpoint with a shotgun and a vague sense of moral superiority.” Experts say the “friendly” part of his self-description may reflect a modern ideological trend. “Today’s revolutionary wants to dismantle the system, but politely,” said Dr. Krugman. “It’s not about seizing the means of production. It’s about seizing them while maintaining a warm tone and approachable branding.” The Wide Awakes, the No Kings, and the No Clue The White House said Allen had ties to a left-wing group called “The Wide Awakes” and had attended a “No Kings” protest. Which is impressive, because most Americans can’t even name three branches of government, but this guy joined two activist movements with the same vibe as a Brooklyn folk-punk duo. The revolution will not be televised, but it will have merch. The Manifesto That Launched a Thousand Eye Rolls Investigators report that Allen sent messages to family before the attack, referring to himself using that now-infamous phrase. This has sparked a national debate about whether adding “friendly” to anything automatically makes it acceptable. “Friendly fire? Still bad. Friendly ghost? Less bad. Friendly federal assassin? We’re still workshopping it,” said one bewildered White House aide. A leaked internal memo from a major media outlet reportedly suggested rebranding all political extremism in softer language: - “Aggressive reformist” - “Passionately disruptive citizen” - “Enthusiastic institutional corrector” “Americans respond better to positive framing,” the memo read, before being quietly deleted and replaced with a recipe for quinoa. The Scheduled Send Felony According to the DOJ complaint, Allen used a scheduled-send feature to email his manifesto. He couldn’t commit to therapy, but he could commit to a calendar invite. This is the man who looked at Outlook and thought, finally, a tool worthy of my ideology. Somewhere a productivity guru is writing a TED Talk about it. Security Theater Meets Real Theater The incident occurred at the Washington Hilton during the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, a glamorous event where journalists, politicians, and celebrities gather to celebrate transparency while avoiding direct answers. Authorities say Allen forced his way through a checkpoint before being subdued, injuring a Secret Service agent whose vest prevented serious harm. Security experts are now asking tough questions, such as: - How did a man with multiple weapons get that far? - Why does every major event have at least one door labeled “Do Not Enter (But You Probably Can)”? - And most importantly, who approved the seating chart? One eyewitness described the chaos. “I thought it was part of the entertainment,” said Cheryl Simmons, a lobbyist from Virginia. “Last year they had a comedian. This year I guess they went with immersive theater.” The Hilton Is a Functioning Hotel, and Apparently So Is the Threat Assessment CBS News noted that because the Washington Hilton was a functioning hotel with numerous public spaces during the dinner, only the areas where the dinner took place were secured by the Secret Service. Which is a bold security philosophy: protect the room, ignore the building, hope for the best. It’s the same logic as locking your front door while leaving the keys under a mat labelled “Keys.” The Lone Wolf Economy: Gig Work for Aspiring Radicals Officials have described Allen as a “lone actor,” a term now used so frequently it may soon qualify as a federal job classification. Economists say the rise of lone actors reflects broader trends in the gig economy. “People don’t want to join organizations anymore,” said Dr. Krugman. “They want flexibility. Independence. The ability to schedule their own ideological breakdowns.” Meanwhile, a poll conducted by Bohiney Institute for Questionable Research found that 62.4% of Americans believe the phrase “lone wolf” now simply means “we’re still figuring it out,” while 18.7% thought it was a new streaming service. The Caltech Nerf Club Pipeline Court records show Allen attended Caltech and was a member of the school’s Christian Fellowship and Nerf Club. The progression from Nerf Club to federal complaint may be the steepest difficulty curve in American education. Most Caltech grads design rockets. This one decided to be one. What the Funny People Are Saying “I like how he called himself ‘friendly.’ That’s like robbing a bank and saying, ‘Don’t worry, I’m here to improve your customer experience.’” — Jerry Seinfeld “A friendly assassin? That’s not a contradiction, that’s a government program waiting for funding.” — Ron White “Nothing says ‘I care about society’ like bringing three weapons to a dinner party.” — Amy Schumer “He emailed his manifesto on a scheduled send. That is the most California thing I have ever heard. He couldn’t even commit to manual labour at his own felony.” — Bill Burr “The guy bought a shotgun in 2025, a pistol in 2023, and his parents had no idea. That’s not a manifesto, that’s a parenting failure with footnotes.” — Norm Macdonald “He targeted the administration but spared the FBI? That’s the only manifesto in history that ends with ‘but you guys are cool.’” — Nate Bargatze A Nation Reflects, Briefly, Then Orders Dessert In the aftermath, officials have promised to review security, rhetoric, and possibly the menu. The White House has also emphasized the need to tone down political extremism, though insiders confirm this will begin immediately after the next election cycle. Meanwhile, Americans are left to process the surreal reality of a man who tried to commit violence while branding himself like a mid-level HR consultant. Because if there’s one thing this incident proves, it’s that in modern America, even the most extreme ideas come with a tagline. And sometimes… disturbingly… the tagline is the most memorable part. On the evening of April 25, 2026, gunshots were fired near the security screening area of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the Washington Hilton. President Donald Trump, First Lady Melania Trump, Vice President JD Vance, and members of the Cabinet were evacuated by the Secret Service. The suspect, Cole Tomas Allen, a 31-year-old part-time tutor and computer science graduate from Torrance, California, was arrested at the scene after one Secret Service officer was struck in a bullet-resistant vest. On April 27, Allen was arraigned in federal court on charges of attempted assassination of the President, interstate transportation of a firearm with intent to commit a felony, and discharging a firearm during a crime of violence. Investigators say Allen sent a manifesto-style email to family members minutes before the attack, signing it “Cole ‘coldForce’ ‘Friendly Federal Assassin’ Allen,” criticising Trump administration policies, including federal strikes on alleged drug boats in the Pacific. According to FEC records, Allen had donated $25 to ActBlue for the Kamala Harris campaign in October 2024, and the White House has linked him to the left-wing groups “The Wide Awakes” and a “No Kings” protest. He remains in federal custody pending a detention hearing. This piece is American satirical journalism. It was assembled the way most things in America are assembled — by committee, badly, and over coffee — specifically by the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer, who agree on almost nothing except that political violence is bad and that scheduled-send emails are a war crime against productivity. Names, quotes, polls, and that fictional Georgetown professor are invented for comic effect; the underlying news facts are real and sourced. No federal assassins, friendly or otherwise, were consulted in the writing of this article. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!   Read the full article

Red, Bite and Blue: Shark Attacks Sharks Ready for July Summer Crowds at the Beach Sharks Ready for July Summer Crowds By America’s Oldest Lifeguard Turned Philosopher & a Philosophy Major Who Flunked Out Because He Surfed Too Much Will shark attacks be a problem? Summer is here, the beaches are packed, and the sharks—well, they’ve been reading Twitter and they’ve got opinions. Gone are the days when sharks just bit indiscriminately. No, sir. In today’s deeply polarized waters, even the apex predators are picking sides. That’s right: some are going red, some are going blue, and a few confused tiger sharks just started quoting Joe Rogan while circling a paddleboarder named Skylar. This July, beachgoers should beware—not just of sunburns and warm mayonnaise, but of a new breed of politically conscious carnivore. The red swimsuits are attracting attention for their bold patriotism. Blue ones? Let’s just say the sharks have started referring to them as “vegan sashimi.” And independents? They’re being ignored entirely, much like in real elections. Across the country, shark behavior is changing. They're unionizing in Florida, gentrifying in California, and demanding bipartisan seasoning in Cape Cod. It’s no longer about hunger—it’s about making a statement. So grab your SPF, hold your iced matcha high, and keep your limbs inside the ideology at all times. This isn’t just a summer swim. It’s a full-on aquatic culture war. And you're the entrée. Let the biting season begin. Bohiney Insight into Red, Blue, and Just a Hint of Shark Sharks are now identifying beachgoers by swimsuit color: red means “tastes like patriotism,” blue means “emotional but tender.” Independents wear tie-dye and just get bumped for sport. A Great White in Cape Cod was seen circling a paddleboard, then rolling its eyes and swimming off, mumbling, “It’s just a kayak with self-esteem.” One hammerhead mistook a MAGA floatie for a wounded sea lion and bit into four pounds of political foam. The shark is now under observation and very, very gassy. A new Shark Yelp has emerged underwater: 3 stars for New Jersey swimmers (“salty, not tender”), 5 stars for Florida retirees (“low muscle tone, easy to chew”). Red state beaches report sharks biting more aggressively — but only after overhearing conspiracy theories about the moon landing while circling the shallow end. Blue state beaches aren’t spared. A group of vegan beachgoers playing pan flute to the ocean got lightly nibbled by a confused reef shark with a gluten allergy. New wave of "Coastal Camouflage" fashion encourages people to blend into kelp. Shark experts say, “It just makes them taste like sushi.” Scientists claim sharks are colorblind, but also admit they learned this from a YouTube video uploaded by a dolphin who “swears he read a journal once.” California passed a new law: all surfers must register their limbs with the Department of Fish and Wildlife as “temporary bait.” Texas beaches now require a permit to “carry concealed chum.” It's unclear if it’s a joke, a law, or just beach policy written by a very tan libertarian. In Florida, a local shark bit a jet ski, found no meat, and went into therapy for “empty calorie regret.” The session was sponsored by SeaWorld and Big Tuna. One blue shark reportedly swam all the way to New York just to bite a guy named Chad who wouldn’t shut up about NFTs. Chad was fine, but he did lose his man bun. National Park rangers report sharks are now showing signs of class consciousness, selectively biting only those with iPhones newer than theirs. A study by the Oceanic Bureau of Humor and Biting Trends found that sharks avoid biting lifeguards, citing “too much SPF and unresolved dad issues.” Meanwhile, the Shark Week producers are lobbying Congress to install speakers along the coast playing Jimmy Buffett to “soothe the aquatic base.” What the Funny People Are Saying “Sharks don’t care if you’re red or blue — if your sunscreen’s organic, you’re just spicy tofu to them.” — Ron White"Is it me, or do sharks just seem more passive-aggressive this year? Like, they graze your thigh and swim away like, 'Oops, my bad.'" — Jerry Seinfeld"If I get bit at the beach, I just hope it’s by a progressive shark. You know, one that believes in consent." — Sarah Silverman"Red swimsuits say ‘lifeguard,’ but also ‘entree.’ Blue swimsuits say ‘cool liberal,’ but also ‘dessert.’" — Larry David"My nephew wore a shark costume into the ocean. He got punched by three surfers and recruited by a pod of confused hammerheads." — Amy Schumer“If sharks are evolving political preferences, it’s only a matter of time before one runs for Senate. And still polls better than Mitch McConnell.” — Bill Burr"I told my wife we should vacation inland. She said, ‘We deserve the ocean!’ and now I’m negotiating with a barracuda named Greg." — Kevin Hart Sharky Science That May Be Slightly Fishy Dr. Shelly Fintail, Marine Biologist (and frequent shark hugger): “We’ve discovered sharks are highly attuned to emotional frequency. If you show fear, they smell it. If you quote Jordan Peterson while paddleboarding, they bite it.” Trace Evidence from a Malibu Beach Cam (May 2025): One shark paused mid-chase to read a tattoo on a beach bro’s calf: “Live Laugh Lunge.” It bit him ironically. Survey by Fishy Polls, LLC: 42% of Americans believe sharks are real. 33% think they’re “just dolphins in a bad mood.” 19% believe sharks are AI-generated ocean hoaxes created by Big Pool Noodle. Beachgoer’s Guide to Surviving July Shark Season Do NOT Bring: Red, white, and blue swim trunks with a cheeseburger pattern (too deliciously patriotic). Seaweed-scented beard oil (you become bait and influencer in one sniff). Waterproof Bluetooth speaker playing EDM (sharks hate bass drops; it’s science). Do Bring: Ocean-safe sunblock and a signed affidavit stating you're not a hedge fund manager. A reusable water bottle labeled "Not Worth It, I Swear." A decoy leg made of tofu for distraction purposes. The Political Chumstorm Red vs. Blue Shark Bait Debate: Congress is once again gridlocked over the “Fairness in Aquatic Predation Act,” which proposes limiting shark access to only bipartisan thighs. Republicans argue: “Sharks are nature’s free-market enforcers. If you can’t out-swim one, you deserve to be taxed in flesh.” Democrats counter: “No American should be bitten without government oversight and a three-week public comment period.” Libertarians just brought their own raft and yelled, “I am my own coast guard!” Coming This Summer to a Coast Near You Sharknado 9: Equity Bites BackThis time, the sharks demand coastal reparations for years of overfishing and being misgendered as whales. SharkTok™A new social app where sharks upload POV bite videos with filters like “Prey Vision” and “Lifeguard SnackCam.” Biden’s Shark Czar NomineeRumored to be half-man, half-mackerel. Senate Republicans demand a DNA test and access to his fish tank. Final Message from the Lifeguard Tower Let’s be clear: sharks don’t care about your politics. They care that you’re flapping like a guilt-ridden rotisserie chicken in $40 trunks. They’ve been swimming these oceans long before we started naming hurricanes after divorce attorneys and arguing about oat milk. So this July, swim responsibly. Wear neutral tones. Don’t splash like you’re auditioning for Jaws: The Musical. And if you hear a fin slicing the water like a pissed-off credit card, just remember — you’re not red or blue anymore. You’re just the catch of the day. Auf Wiedersehen — and may your July be full of sun, sand, and a strong sense of humor. IMAGE GALLERY Shark Attacks Red Bite and Blue Shark Attacks -- Red vs. Blue Shark Bait Debate: Red Bite and Blue Shark Attacks -- Beachgoer’s Guide to Surviving July Shark Season A crowded July beach scene with sunbathers, lifeguards, and swimmers, but in the ocean just offshore, a group of politically divided sharks are holding... Read the full article