#bodhilyfe

is that it sucks more than you think. The relationship isn't working for you, maybe not for the other person, and all the ideas of forever crumble away into the decision; avoid the problem and lie until the issues get worse or end the relationship and let the healing begin. The healing process hurts. A lot. As the instigator, you go through all the pain of the relationship loss with an additional dose of guilt and regret. And here I am, telling myself it gets better while my heart simultaneously sinks and rises up into my throat. I have been crying for over 30 hours, almost solidly and I want nothing more than to just call him and take it back. But I'm the one that has to be strong. The hardest part is feeling like the asshole. That idea that I broke his heart, that I am the cause of his suffering. I am not the cause, but I'm a heavy condition, and I gotta live with that. Helping myself is helping others. Just because a decision is hard, doesn't mean it's wrong. Impermanence sucks some times, but despite the pain, life goes on.

This lighting is so nice!

I look in the mirror and I'm like "hey sexy *winks* you're mighty fine. 10/10 would bang" but then I look at a picture (selfie or otherwise) and I'm like "who da fuq is dat? I'm not that ugly, am I?"

• constantly fighting down the IMMENSE FEAR of bugs because you can’t bring yourself to kill something living

I'll be not so active for the next at least month because of it. On the bright side, I'll be getting major academic street cred for doing a chunk of my dissertation on my phone.

me: maybe I'll watch some X-files or eat dinner.