#bodencus

You will use that line every goddamn year. You don’t care you made it up when you were thirteen. Legends get remembered, and heroes never die, and SBaHJ will never die so long as your pasty ass is around to say so.

You and John had hung out a few days ago to wrap presents and whatnot, so you figure you might as well go down the laundry list and send them all out.

To Aradia [ @tlmetravel ], you send a Euboean drachma circa sometime around the 3rd century BC. It has a bull’s head on the back - not a ram, but close enough, you think, as your collection isn’t all that expansive and you have to pick and choose with these sorts of things. You wrap the little case it comes in and put a post-it note on it that says ‘history bros’ and has a little doodle of the both of you fist bunping.

To Briar [ @bramblebound​ ], you give a simple-looking silver watch that allows for stable time loops of up to 24 hours. You’ve tested it thoroughly to make sure there’s no potential for any branching timelines to be created by it’s use, doomed or otherwise. It follows Novikov’s self-consistency principle, who was a pretty smart dude in regards to something that was for him entirely theoretical. You figure if she gave you a page out of her book (literally and figuratively), you can return the favor. You’re a responsible time god, after all.  The other part of her gift you will wait to deliver in person.

To Bodencus [ @antiocus​ ], you send a pair of dice carved from some of the teeth he’d sent you ages ago, along with an anchor bracelet made from the ropes he’d sent you when you were recovering from the fight with Equius. The part you’re really proud of, though, is the replica of the Angel of the Vineyard you’d alchemized from one of those ship-in-a-bottles and a few of his teeth. Through some weird bullshit you’re not going to question or try to explain, the ship moves of its own accord, mimicking the motions of her larger counterpart. It’s pretty rad.

To Jade [ @riflesquiddle​ ], you send a bass guitar made of molten lava. Yeah. John adds a little note onto the package because he designed and alchemized the thing. It’s super badass, and the lava glows and flows like the real thing, though you swear it’s safe to touch.

To Rose [ @sarcasmslight ], you send a nifty Cthulhu necklace and a shirt you think will make her laugh.  What? Not everyone can get a really cool present. Besides John’s already gone off on this whole spiel about what he made for her already and Christ those two yeah okay no more thinking about that.

Finally, to Equius [ @indigenceinexcusable ], you send an action figure of John Cena that you’ve painted gray and added horns to. It’s a work of art, really. You also add a note that good-naturedly implies at a rematch that maybe doesn’t end in the breaking of bones someday.