#blumeingloom

(for context i very much live in the US, and very much hate it here)

i dreamt of you for the first time in a while. in the dream, you kept prompting me to come talk to you, like you wanted something from me. every time i reached you, you’d say one small thing and then disappear, making me follow you again. over and over.

eventually we were in a forest. no path, just trees and distance and the feeling that i was always a few steps behind you. i kept chasing, thinking eventually you would stop, eventually there would be a real conversation.

the person who said they loved me

with the person who moved on so quickly

and then kept circling back

just enough to keep me confused

it’s being told “i want to work on things”

while finding out later, always later

that there was already someone else

that there had been someone else

it’s the way the truth never came freely

only after the damage was done

only after i had already reopened my heart

i feel like i was kept in a pocket

not chosen, not released

just… available

in case the loneliness got too loud

she asked me to stay

asked me to reach out

and then made me feel foolish for believing her

it’s hard not to question whether the love was real

when the actions kept saying something else

when i was promised time, clarity, intention

and got breadcrumbs, silence, and contradiction

i don’t think she meant to hurt me

but i don’t think she protected me either

and both things can be true

so now i’m grieving twice

the relationship we had

and the version of her i kept hoping would finally show up

blocking her wasn’t punishment

it was survival

it was me choosing peace

over waiting for someone to choose me

i loved her

and that love deserved honesty