hoping i run into you again tonight. maybe this time i’ll know what to say.
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hoping i run into you again tonight. maybe this time i’ll know what to say.

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me 🤝🏽 a fire ass DJ
if another man asks me if that’s my skateboard as i’m riding said skateboard… im gonna SCREAM
i just applied for a job in Denmark!! fingers crossed i get it
(for context i very much live in the US, and very much hate it here)
update i have an interview on sunday!!!! 😭😭😭

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
my nervous system is exhausted from being pulled forward and then abandoned mid-step. being ignored by the person you love is so destabilizing.
i dreamt of you for the first time in a while. in the dream, you kept prompting me to come talk to you, like you wanted something from me. every time i reached you, you’d say one small thing and then disappear, making me follow you again. over and over.
eventually we were in a forest. no path, just trees and distance and the feeling that i was always a few steps behind you. i kept chasing, thinking eventually you would stop, eventually there would be a real conversation.
instead, the dream ended with me sobbing on the wet forest floor, alone in the middle of it all, my body giving out before my hope did.
i think what hurts the most is trying to reconcile
the person who said they loved me
with the person who moved on so quickly
and then kept circling back
just enough to keep me confused
it’s being told “i want to work on things”
while finding out later, always later
that there was already someone else
that there had been someone else
it’s the way the truth never came freely
only after the damage was done
only after i had already reopened my heart
i feel like i was kept in a pocket
not chosen, not released
just… available
in case the loneliness got too loud
she asked me to stay
asked me to reach out
and then made me feel foolish for believing her
it’s hard not to question whether the love was real
when the actions kept saying something else
when i was promised time, clarity, intention
and got breadcrumbs, silence, and contradiction
i don’t think she meant to hurt me
but i don’t think she protected me either
and both things can be true
so now i’m grieving twice
the relationship we had
and the version of her i kept hoping would finally show up
blocking her wasn’t punishment
it was survival
it was me choosing peace
over waiting for someone to choose me
i loved her
and that love deserved honesty
not confusion dressed up as hope
if protecting your peace never means being uncomfortable. you’re not actually protecting your peace, you’re just avoiding growth. everytime someone challenges you, calls you out, or has a difficult conversation with them and you hit them with “i’m just protecting my peace” and walk away. but protecting your peace doesn’t mean running away at every fucking uncomfortable moment. sometimes growth is uncomfortable. sometimes the conversation that disrupts your peace is exactly the one you need to have. you’re not protecting yourself, you’re using wellness language to avoid accountability.