#bluewavescrashing

feeling good, more like feeling better. last week was very had because I had a lot of things to do-- but this weekend has felt a lot more relaxing. I feel more at ease knowing all I have now are finals. Aside from my psych 383 class, I am not too worried about the rest of my classes. :) I think I did well enough throughout the semester to pass all my classes. This week was so tiring ! I did two essays in one single day and only got two hours of sleep, i was a mess. But now that it is over i feel a lot better :)

I feel like today the people around me are only focused on one thing: being beautiful. On social media there are so many points emphasizing being beautiful and being fit. This can either be an inspiring message or just a reminder that you aren't good enough. For me it is usually the latter. I hate the impact " beauty " has on people. I cannot count the amount of times I wish I was beautiful enough. Model after model are everywhere I look. And while I feel happy for them, I cannot help but feel bad about myself.

So lately j have felt like no one wants to listen to my crap so that leaves me with this: a blog text. I am so tired and unmotivated and just discouraged lately. I have been trying to find myself and I have done a great shit at doing so such as: dying my hair, spending my money carelessly, and getting piercings; thinking this would help me find the person I am. Ah, but t did not. Instead I am left with all this shit that I don't need and being more miserable than ever. I hate school and I am just so tired of it. I am usually all about doing well and getting good grades but this year I honestly couldn't give a single fuck! I mean of course I don't want to fail but getting off my ass is not easy either. I just sit home and do nothing except go on the Internet. I don't want to think about my gpa or Grad school or anything. I don't want to think about the future because I don't know what I want ! I wish I could do nothing. I hate feeling like I NEED to do something because I am THE example to my ungrateful family. I am not interested in the things I was before too. I stopped reading and listening to music, in fact I hate music, and I can't force myself to even look at a book. And I hate meeting new people. I used to be such a person people but lately I am just kinda tired. It's just a great effort for me to smile and nod and listen to someone else's story. I mean no disrespect to you ! I just feel Tired. It's not you, ITS ME. I am sorry I do want to be your friend I just don't want to hang out or actually do anything. End rant.

Thorough me and I’ll have to start all over again.

for the first time in a while I am actually being productive. My professor had told us that starting something was always the hardest part and completely agree. What is funny is that this semester things are so backwards and confusing. I am not  sure why but I feel more like a freshmen this year instead of last year. Anyway I am happy / excited for the new things being planned. 

I just wanted to have some time to myself and unwind. But no matter what I always have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind telling me I should be doing m o r e. It doesn’t help that recently I have 0 motivation. I thought having a break and it being a new year would really get me running but nope. I feel like I don’t care enough about anything. My work is barely subpar. I feel grouchy and annoyed. I want to be happy an motivated and be like those model preppy people, instead I am on the opposite spectrum. I don’t care. Whatever.

Reading old drafts and decided to post some. Why not? (Not) some of my best but definitely getting a lil personal there.