#blogfeels

Blurb alarm! Wheewhoowheewhoo. It's another vent post! Continue if thou be a brave soul. *cough* This blurb honestly goes all over the place and makes little sense. Sorry. Ahh.. to point. It's well past midnight and I am a bit in a bloggy mood. It won't be great since I am on my phone.. but I am going to get this out of my system. Sometimes I do this thing where I completely zonk out into day dream mode. Which really I don't always do in appropriate times. I completely drift off into a whole different world. Just the other day I was eating pizza with Max and I was sitting by the window in the resturant. As I stared outside I noticed some perfectly cut bushes and flowers. Among those beautiful plants was a few weeds. I am thinking the start of dandelions.. but not that it matters much. Anywho, I instantly blurt out to Max my (clearly) genius idea. "Max, I think that we should just let weeds grow. Save time, money, and they can look just as pretty as flowers." Why in the world did I even care.. who knows. But I sure as hell did all the sudden. I'm sure had Max confused by the sudden outburst. Being nice as per usual we debated it mindlessly for a little bit before I believe he lost interest and trying to reason with me. (I was dead set that this simply must happen.) Point of the story is yes, I day dream. A lot. Now I can't keep them quiet though. I just say random parts of the millions of things I am thinking at once. I honestly can't even keep track of it myself. Which leads to another point... When I got my first brain-owwie it was a whirlwind of my whole life turning upside down. Without even realizing it I was bitter towards myself for not being the person I used to be. I didn't even fully realize I was doing this until recently. I kept reminding myself that I used to be... less emotional, brave, had an awesome emotional brick wall built up because screw feeling shit, and way more straight laced (a lot of times I came off mean.). I honestly lived a black and white existences and there was no gray. That was that. This was this. No questions asked. After a few blows to the head I crumbled. I have suddenly became soft, more willing to see those gray areas in life, and honestly a bijjilion times more gentle. And I hated it! I suddenly cared again about my individual personality. It took me years to stuff that away and just be a cis girl that everyone wanted me to be. And nooooww I suddenly really.. cared. When I used to fight with people I was really cold. . I didn't show emotion. (Believe it or not I really didn't care about the fights ever. Ignoring peoples feelz was my speciality.) I felt out of touch with the world and honestly didn't mind living in my strange plain of existences. Being pulled out of that is an extreme shock. Suddenly I couldn't hide. I was shoved into the world everyone else was in. The old me is dead. People who loved the old me did the same thing. Without realizing it they pray for me to be that person I used to be. They where in mourning just as much as I was. Everyone I knew before is treating me so different than they used to. But now I can't blame them.. they are meeting a new person with the same face. I finally am starting to like me again. I like thinking in all different ways, saying whatever, crying because now I can, and finding myself as a person I want to be. It sucks sometimes to have these feelings emerge. I have never delt with them much and they sometimes feel awful.. But the good feelings now feel really good, even if sometimes I have to feel the bad. I like me. I hope soon others will as well.. but the people that meet me after the blow to my head seem to honestly like me too. I am a better person and I have no idea what I am doing. But it's nice to smile with people.. Blurb ending. Cheez overload going on here. Basic point 'learning life again.' Glad I have Max, muh amazin roomie, and other crazah cool peoples (you know who you are.) in my life that have a world of patients for me. *poofs*

Years and years have passed. No more random text messages, calls or even a simple hi or hello. You even blocked me on Facebook. ‘til now I was asking our friends of “how are you’s?” I should’ve known that you already forgotten me. I guess you’re really mad at me. Are you really happy now? All I wanted is  to befriend with you again. But I guess you’ll never let it happen. Btw, I miss the old ‘you’.