#blog.reflection

And so the panic begins.

Today is the last day before the date with Ethan aka the ice rink I go to with Jesse, Petal and Ethan. Yes, that Ethan. I wasn’t feeling any rushes of anxiety and or fear but as we get closer to the actual weekend I can feel how tense I get only imagining what could go wrong. What am I saying, Tomorrow is the day and I am freaking out. I don’t know if we can hide this. The last time we saw each other my brain stopped working and Lucia had to do all the talking for me since, well I was completely stunned. I can just hope Jesse wouldn’t say some weird and awkward shit that could bounce me out of balance and makes me even more afraid. I feel good with Ethan though and the situation. He seems really understandable and get’s that I am panicking about this more than it is worth it. Ethan and I chatted all day yesterday and it just felt good. He comforts me and makes me feel like a good person. Not that I think of myself as a bad person, but I just feel better around him. I know this might sound silly since we didn’t even have our first date yet but hear me out. I was stargazed when I met him the first time and during this chat, I really grew closer to him. We’ve noticed we share so many interests and have the same opinion on so many things. He often agrees to what I am saying and we even already talked about how we are going to watch that one movie time and time again because we both love it so much. He is the perfect mix of staying home and watching netflix and going to parties. He mentioned that it’s always easy for him to make new friends at events so I was wondering if maybe he could be the one person that gets me out of my bubble and gets me to let me become more of a social butterfly. I have lived here for something around a month now and I have met no new friends besides him and Petal. All other people I already knew before I went to Brighton. 

I wasn’t expecting that, no I didn’t want that. I came here to get out of my bubble, so that no one is there who holds me back like Mildret did. That I could finally be me. But nothing. I am still afraid of wearing the cute shirts Jesse got me, I’m still afraid to get into bars and clubs and I still have conversations with people I have never known before. Yes I know this is kind of needed if you want to sociallice but I fucking suck at this. Yes it is good that I no longer live together with a tyrant, self loving person but who do I have here? Ten people from Sarah's elderly place wow. If being friends with ten people over the age of sixty isn’t what screams mid twenty dime than I don’t know. Don’t get me wrong her friends are all cool and every time some are over we just play cards or board games. One person goes by Queen of Hearts for now, since she always wins with her heart cards. 

I thought I would get to know more people like me, finding a group I would fit in and not be a missfit like in all other times. It sucks constantly having the looner feeling. But I am sure things are going to change from tomorrow on onwards. If everything goes well I’d imagine Jesse, Petal, Lucia, Ethan and I could become a really cool group. I don’t know how we can spend the time but just thinking about this, of all the stuff the five of us could do, makes me smile like hell. I think Ethan would fit into the group. I mean we have Jesse and Lucia, both visibly a whore and wild party animals while also having a hyper focus when being in university. I don’t know that much about Petal but from what Jesse said she is a constant bouncing rubber ball of energy and joy. Always listening to Kpop and looking like being pulled out of an idol group. Then there’s me who is a bit more of a quiet and observing person. I may not have all the skills nor the looks my friends have but I have the brain to keep them all connected. Furthermore I am just the best when it comes to gaming and all nerdy shit. And then there is Ethan. I think he is a combination of Lucia and me. Quite throughout the day and a wild party animal once it gets dark. At least his insta is full of dark pictures of late night parties and events. And even better. As a barista in the cafe he is technically part of the royal holloway staff so he always has access to the newest and wildest student parties. I wonder why Lucia hasn’t seen him before. Yet I also know that Ethan isn’t really her type at all. I don’t even know if Lucia dates in general. Her studies are over everything. I think this has to do with her family. You know, being born into a perfect rich ass italian family where everyone in the family line has been a groundbreaking scientist, researcher or doctor put quite a lot of pressure on her. For what I know, she started diving into medicine due to the illness of her brother. He got thrown out of the family's manor due to that and ever since that fateful day Lucia wanted to get him better and to get him back into the family. I don’t know what he has, Lucia never told me and honestly I don’t need to know that but it’s great to see her studying. 

For what I know Ethan, just like me, never went to university. Some people say it's because we’re not smart enough but in reality I just want to be free of schoolwork and want to be able to focus my mind onto what I want and not having to fear that I have ten essays overdue. After school, just like me, Ethan had a lot of minijobs before he got proper training as a barista. Ever since he’d been moved from cafe to cafe, wherever they needed the staff and after this cafe on the royal holloway grounds opened he went there. He really likes the place, and the view at the founders building which is just magical. 

Well so much for today. My brain is running in circles trying to not collapse till tomorrow. But I’m sure that whatever happens, it will be a nice day and date. 

What the actual fuck am I suppost to do?

I am screwed. I noticed that while being at Royal Holloway I have missed over eight messages from Ethan. It was just the casual stuff and, to be host, he’s been texting me cute stuff all the time by now but how shity does it look if I didn’t even respond on the same day. Not gonna lie I feel terrible for not releasing that. In reality, my brain is just a massive messed up pile of whatever a brain is made of. The investigation that happened truly bounced my mind off of anything related to my real life, to my friends, to Ethan. I don’t even know what I am supposed to do with Jesse to be honest. I get Lucia and honestly she is right. I just can’t stand to be the one who, yet again, falls head over heels for a guy I don’t even know. Don’t get me wrong, Ethan and I have been chatting quite a bit but we only have seen each other on the day we met. We didn’t go on a date, we haven’t talked properly. Heck I didn’t even manage to visit him at work to fetch a coffee. Nothing. And the next time we will see each other we will already have our first date. 

I honestly don’t know if I’m too fast with anything. I feel like I kind of act as long as the feelings are there. What if the feels for him linger off? What if Ethan finds another one and completely forgets about me because I’m so shitty in terms of answering? What if I bore him? What if…there are so many what if’s in my head right now if I’m completely honest. I just… I guess I’m just afraid of getting close to someone considering my last relationship. I only ever had one, but that was already enough. After that one I decided that a relationship isn't the thing for me. I installed grindr and went more for casual meet ups with any stranger who was close and hot enough to spend time with. I met a cool dude but that was it. Most of the people were one time only things and I say as it is, I’m not ashamed of it. Many, including Jesse, would’ve called me a whore just because I had some time with so many guys. In reality, I enjoy nothing out of it. 

But let's get back to the topic. Ethan. I decided to answer, asking him about his week and how he is feeling about the ice rink situation this weekend. I just wanted to make sure he’s really up for it. Judging by the time he should still be at work, I guess I just have to wait for him to reply to my message. In the meantime, I browsed to the other chats I had. 

Lucia had, again, asked me if I already messaged Jesse about how I am in love with Ethan and what the news is. Gosh sometimes I hate when people enter my life for so much attention like piss off I am not that interested that your mind has to be constantly running around me.

The group chat of Jesse and Petal had dozens of messages, but since I wasn’t pinged somewhere I just left it and waited till they would ping me. To be honest I am kind of really hyped to meet petal. I was thinking about having some time with her while Ethan would get to know Jesse. I mean I told Ethan alot about Jesse but not the other way around. I just really hope that the plan will work out the way I have it in my mind. I mean sure I can never be 100 percent sure but I just hope it all works out.

Nonetheless, the ice rink seems really cool. It opened a while ago in Brighton but I was yet not able to actually get a good look at the place. Tickets have been booked out so fast, it was already hard for Petal to get ours. I just hope it's not too full so you don’t bump into strangers time and time again. I literally only want to spend some time with Ethan. 

Even better, Petal already agreed on coming to my place so the two of us could have an awesome sleepover. We asked Jesse to but they are kinda busy with their studies since they have to hand in an essay before monday and apparently they are running really really late. I asked Lucia if she had to write an essay like that too but she didn’t. Maybe it’s some extra work or simply because Lucia and Jesse have different curses. Actually, I think that might be the reason. Nonetheless I couldn’t care less about any of that. This is the exact reason why I could never have studied. I just think learning and writing so much knowledge isn’t really for me yet I am in my room typing an essay or blog to keep ya’ll updated on my life with, honestly isn’t even that special to begin with. 

Alright, I got away from my PC since Sarah called for dinner. She made some pasta which was delicious as hell. She also got some white wine along with the food so we spent the evening really chilled out, just the two of us drinking wine and eating pasta. After dinner we both sat at the sofa and watched an old movie till both of us fell asleep.

Looking back at it, today has been a blast and a lot of socialising. I think I need that. Nonetheless I am more than happy about the next few days. Soon Ethan and I will have our first date.

Police officer: We got news

After spending several hours with a guard and Henry alone, I was more than relieved that one of the officers had come into the room, holding Lucia at her shoulder. They told us that they have everything to continue the investigation from the PD and that we are all free again. Couple of seconds later you could hear an announcement by the Headmistress that the school is open again. I gave one of the officers the data I extracted from Henry and after that was free to go as well. I took the opportunity to take this time here to talk with Lucia. After all, she is the only one that knows about Ethan, so I kind of want her point of view on the ice skating idea and how terribly I have planned everything. We headed to the library and went into the more talkative space. 

Lucia: Kind of nuts what happened today isn't it? I, personally, would have never thought that I actually could help in an investigation like that James: To be honest, same. This all felt so surreal. Lucia: Definitely. So you wanted to talk? I guess this isn’t about what happened today, is it? James: Yeah. James: I'm kind of going on a date with Ethan. Lucia: Shut up really? What are you guys doing? James: Well, Jesse and Petal have invited me to the new ice rink that opened a while ago. I originally didn’t even plan to make it a date but Petal asked if I got a plus one too so we could save some money with a group card. Lucia: Sooo? James: Sooo I just asked Ethan. Turns out he actually likes ice skating. Lucia: Damn that’s so cool! Also happy you managed to talk with Jesse about it. James: yeahhh…the…I Lucia: JAMES?!? You agreed to a date without the others not knowing that it is a date??! Do you have any idea how many issues that will create? What if Ethan wants to be a bit touchy like hand holding. For a first date it's a cute Idea but please you need to tell them. James: Oh do I? I don’t think I have to. I already talked to Ethan about how this is just a date for us and that we kind of have to keep it low key. Luckily he said that it isn't such a big deal for him since he is just happy to spend some time with me. Lucia: Okay that is cute but don’t you want to at least mention it to Jesse? I mean they are your best friend, don’t they deserve the truth? James: I mean yeah they are but also I know how shitty they can be with such information sometimes. I just don’t want to push out something when I’m not even sure that that something is, you know? Lucia: Not really but if you do this, please recheck and don’t fuck anything up okay? James: I won’t but thanks.

Lucia and I hugged goodbye before I headed back to the main station.

I mean yeah, Lucia probably is right. I do have to tell them I just really don’t know when. Whenever I had a crush or even mentioned that I feel something like this towards Jesse, they tend to make it into a joke. They would be fast in calling me a whore just because I have so many people. Listen, I know my track record of boys has been shit, I know that. And I get that Jesse is only doing that to protect me but seriously, it’s just really annoying. 

I got into the train and waited til it was ready to depart. By now it was already rather late and to be honest this whole police investigation thing really drained my energy. I just hope it gets sorted out fast. I opened my bag and reached for a bag Lucia gave me. Inside was a bagel with avocado as well as some crisps and energy. Goddess bless her that was exactly what I needed. I ate the bagel and listened to the new songs I’ve put into my spotify playlist.

When I arrived back in Brighton it was already dark. I’ve decided to give a small run through the nearby Tesco before heading back home. The light’s were still on, meaning that Sarah must be awake.I hope she isn't in a bad mood with me since I didn’t have a chance of what happened. I was right. As I entered the house Sarah was laughing very loudly with other people together. I stood into the doorframe and gazed into the living room. She was there with 3 people. I guess they are from the elderly living place. They were watching some comedy bake show while eating cupcakes. If I look at it again it is a really cute scenario. I decided to leave them be and went up into my room. I turned on all my fairy lights, jumped out of my clothes and under the sheets before turning on the TV browsing for any good shows I could watch. 

Police officer: Is there a Mr. Fall around?

I got the chills all around my body. If the police are asking for me, it sure has something to do with the doors and that can’t be a good sign for any of us. I raised my hand and stood out in front of the group of staff members and teachers. 

Police officer A: James William Fall? The headmistress told us that you are the one in charge of all the entries. Is that right? James: Yes ma’am, how can I help? Police officer A: Come with us, we need more, private talk. James: As you wish.

I was about to shit myself. What could she possibly want from me and why does she take me into crossfire with one of her mates. We were going for a bit before we entered one of the classrooms. The officer I was talking to was leaning against the teacher's desk while the other one was walking around in circles, which made me even more nervous than I had to be. 

Police officer A: Listen Mr. Fall, We just need to know if there is any backup of who went in and outside the door. We haven’t seen any signs of a break in, the person must have gotten in through the door just like anyone else. James: Oh right! Yeah I…One Second! Police officer B: Hey Kid, slow it down. There might be a weapon in this thing. Police officer A: Kent just shut it, he isn’t armed he’s frightened. And if you start to gunpoint nothing will make him do it faster so just stay silent. Police officer B: Hmpf James: Alright, may I please use the table? Thanks. This is the log from Royal Holloway over the last twenty four hours. That’s the timespan we have right? Police officer A: Apparently so, we don’t have an exact time of crime. James: Al right. Hmmm that’s unusual. Police officer A: What is? James: It seems that the door to the gallery was open the entire day. It was opened by one of the art teachers and closed by our headmistress late at night. Police officer B: Sounds pretty normal to me. James: It isn’t. The opening is the same if we compare it to older days. The first error is that the door wasn’t shut once during the entire day. Also since when is the Headmistress the one who closes, especially that late at night. Police officer A: You’re right, that is suspicious. Could you make us a copy of that? James: I sure can do that, but it’ll take some time. Police officer A: How long are we talking about? James: I’m not sure, it’s quite some data. Could be half an hour, maybe one. It could also be three hours. Police officer A: Is there anything we can do? James: I just need a quiet place and a data storage that’s okay with you. 

The lady was giving me a USB port and then left the room with her mate. Oh man, I never thoughtI’d be in such a messy situation. It makes no sense though. Why was the headmistress in school that late and why was she the one who closed the door. I was thinking hard about any upcoming events that may take place in the gallery but nothing. Well, I may not know it, but I know someone who knows everything relevant in this place. Lucia. 

I went outside and looked around for the two officers until I found her. I kindly asked them if they could or could send someone to guard Henry while I was having a talk with Lucia outside. I made my way through the mostly empty hallways and out of a side door to avoid the crowd in front of the school. I spotted Lucia from a distance and tried to get her attention, but nothing. The crowd got bigger compared to when I arrived, so it was way more difficult to reach her, but I did. I took her aside and out of the crowd so we could have a better chat. 

Lucia: James! What the hell is getting one? James: You tell me why is there such a huge crowd? Lucia: Everyone’s just pissed that no one cares to give us an answer of what happened. Please say you know what it is. James: I’m sorry, but the police told me not what happened. Lucia: So why are you here then? James: Because I need your help. You’re popular, and you always have a lot of intel. Lucia: What is it you need? James: Was there any Event happening around the gallery in the last twenty four hours. Think hard. Or have you seen something unusual? Lucia: The gallery? No, not that I’m aware of. James: Anything else that could help? Lucia: Know that you say it, I believe there was a silver van standing alongside the gallery for almost the entire day. It stood there when I came here. I’ve seen how two people were goin got the van with a blanket late at night. James: That’s big news! Would, would you be able to talk to one of the officers with me? I think this could really help the situation. Lucia: Yeah sure!

Said and done. I took her through the door. I went outside and got back to the room where the guard was still looking over Henry. I went to the officer who I had talked to and said that Lucia might know some pieces that are relevant for future analyses of the situation.

There are chills in the day.

Today is rainy, which is perfect since that is exactly the weather I like, to be in the door at least. Sadly management needs me over at uni again for some inspection. I don’t really know what this could be but well, since it’s my job I kind of have to do what they want of me even if I don’t even know the issue just yet. But well, no need to get stressed out about this. I mean, I’m stressed enough about the coming weekend and the ice rink. My head is spinning around like crazy, so I’m happy I have a thing or two to do and can focus on that instead. Alright, it’s six in the morning, enough time for me to get something to eat and get to the train station. I got out of my PJ’s and went to my bath, ready to take a shower. Ever since I got that cold rush at my old place I tend to get into the shower after a few drops have already gone down, so I won’t get surprised again. After the sower was done, I got to my wardrobe to browse through all of my clothes. I picked a pair of bright denim jeans, a grey calvin klein and a dark forest green jumper. I grabbed Henry and threw him into my backpack before checking the hallway for any lights. Perfekt! Sarah was already awake and I smelled the scent of coffee all around the under half of the house. I walked down while asking Sarah if I could take some with me. She was standing in the kitchen, facing the oven waiting desperately for whatever is in the oven to get finished. Since I had a bit of time left, I decided to take a seat at her counter for a bit of chatter. 

James: Soooo, I assume you are waiting for something then? Sarah: I eh, yeah. Sorry Darling what did you say? James: Damn this must be important, what’s the reason? Sarah: OH yeah, the elderly are throwing their 50th anniversary today. I thought I would make some cakes since they have asked the people around to contribute. Just, for your own safety, don’t look around.

I did just that. I shouldn't have done that, she’s right. Judged by all the boxes that are here she could bake for an entire community. There are big boxes, small boxes, some for cupcakes and even, wait, three of them are already filled?! Jesus Chrust since when is that woman awake and baking. I decided to leave her to her own madness, poured some of the coffee into my cup, told Sarah that I was on  the way and went outside the door. Ah yes, rain, I forgot. I turned around and grabbed the umbrella that’s always ready for usage in the hallway. Bet he’d be happy to get out every now and then. I put on my headphones and started blasting some music. I waved hi towards the neighbours I still don’t know and to Amber, who just opened her store. I was walking down the street, not thinking, just enjoying the rain, getting lost in the music. 

I made a quick stop at a small store to get something to eat. I got some blueberries as well as some cinnamon rolls and a juicebox. I know I have my coffee but sometimes I may want to take a different sip than just coffee. I paid the bill and went outside where the rain was still ongoing. It wasn’t a storm, just regular heavy rain

As I arrived at the train station I witnessed the usual stressed people and kids that are getting tagged through dozens of people and nearly get stomped to death. I faced the lineups and noticed that my train was ready for railing within five minutes. OH SHIT. I must have taken too long at the store. I miscalculated since I had two stops instead of one damnit. I grabbed my backpack and started running. It was more parkuring but I made it. As soon as I step foot in the train the doors shut and the train starts to move. I took a huge sip of my juicebox before walking along the train looking for a spot to sit. To my surprise, the train was rather empty, and so I had free choice of where I wanted to sit. I switched my music to more life oriented songs and started booting up Henry in his silent mode. 

Mails after mails arrived so I did what I always do during travel, playing the support. There were about ten mails with the same problem, which allowed me to just copy and paste one answer I already messaged one of the people. Two mails from Truhham, wholes head boy was crying for some not working doors and thirty mails from royal holloway with exactly the same stuff in it. Listen…I get that one of your doors isn’t working, but sending me thirty mails each containing a system error of a door won’t make me fast. Sometimes I just hate them. I did what I could do during the trip until I arrived at the other train station. Since I was hungry I decided to make another quick stop at one of the restaurants to get some fresh fish ‘n chips.  I set down in the train station and ate my chips, silently observing the people around me. I don’t know what it is about train stations but I always like how much of a rush all of those people are in. About one foot away from me landed a pigeon, seemingly confused on why a human was sitting in their place. Since I like pigeons, I’ve decided to share one of my chips with it. The pigeon came closer and closer until I was able to pet them. I know they wanted more, but I ran out of chips for now. I stood up, placed my headphones on my head and went outside to the bus stop that’ll take me to royal holloway.   

As soon as I arrived I noticed a lot of students who had gathered outside and waited for some of the staff to have a talk. But there was no one. I spotted Lucia on the ground and asked her what happened. She told me that no one really has a clue on what’s going on and she only knows that no one's allowed to get into the building.  I made my way to the front and showed the guy my entry card, before I entered the uni. As I entered the founders building, I noticed that some of the staff and teachers were walking around in circles visibly trying to hold it together. I went to one of them and asked what had happened. The art teacher told me that, overnight, someone had stolen a few of the paintings off the gallery. The police are currently reviewing the scene of crime together with the headmistress.

And I did, in fact, spend time waiting.

Apparently Ethan was either asleep or at work, but he is definitely not the type of person that glued their phone to their face. Well guess I have to wait. I messaged him right after the gang…still hate that name…was asking for a plus one. Of course I haven’t said anything yet, but I will once he agrees, which I hope he does. We texted a lot over the last few days butI don’t know if asking him out like that would be a nice thing for a first date. I don’t mean the Ice skating. I think that’s awesome for the first date, but I’m worried that introducing him to my friends might be, I don’t know, too early. On the other hand, I don’t have to tell them that it’s a date. Oh my goddess I am a genius. For Ethan and me this will be a date but then it comes to Petal and Jesse it’s just a casual friend hangout. He could be from a different school, someone who helped me get everything started. Of course I kind of would be lying but who’s asking right? Nonetheless I think Ethan just replied to my message. At least I felt my phone buzzing all over my bedside table to let’s see. 

Discord conversation 

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.03am

They there :D Random question but, how good are you on blades? I’m asking because Jesse, my best friend, has been asking if I wanted to join them and a friend at the freshly opened ice rink! I always loved ice skating and I always thought that it had some kind of a romantic aura around it. Nonetheless, if we’d get a fourth one we could all get away cheaper and the two of us would have something like our first date. UNLESS YOU DON’T WANT TO CALL IT A DATE haha I really don’t want to put pressure on you, so it’s more than okay if you disagree with the date idea, or come along with us in total. Let me know once you have an answer, cya and have a great work day!

@GreenOtter Today at 2.15pm

Heyho! Haha thanks for asking! I am actually pretty and a decent ice skating person. I used to go to the ice rink with Harper like all winter long. And yes I agree, to some extent it is really romantic. And yes of course it’ll be our first date! If I am honest I kind of wanted to ask you out already, but work occupied me so often that I either didn’t have the time nor the brain capacity to text you. But the happier I am that you made that move. Say yes to your little groups, I’ll come along! Do they know that this will also be our first date? I mean it is kind of odd to have people around you on your first date though. Anyways, maybe if my time will let me, you could come around mine after the date? We could watch some movies, have some snacks and chatter? Only if you want to, of course. And thanks for the wishes, sadly today was a shit day but well, we all have those times amirte? TTYL!!!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.29pm

I am so sorry to hear that your day was like that :/ I hope you had a good cake in the cafe you could munch on in the background! Sounds like hell to me to be honest. I don’t think I could ever work there haha, I tip my crown. BUT NICE !!! I was really hoping you’d like the idea! In terms of us, if it would be okay, I wouldn't like them to know it’s a date. Jesse is pretty fast with making assumptions and I don’t really want them to ruin this. I bet they will like you tho! They will bring one of their friends along that I don’t know as well. No matter what I think it will turn out great! And I can’t wait to see you on the ice then. I expect a rose btw haha Anyhow, I’ll text the others and send you the further details! Hope you can move around your shift then! Anyways cya!

Well, that went better than I thought! And If he’s been busy lately I get why he didn’t reply. Alright, off to the gang..ugh.

Discord Server “The Gang ✩*⋆ “ conversation 

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.34pm

@Petals get the group ticket I got someone!

@Petals Today at 3.11pm

YES AWWWYEAHHH Alright Alright!!! Then I need six pounds for each of you! Btw who’s coming? The friend Jesse mentioned? Lucia?

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.13am

Actually no, it’s someone I got to meet at a different school, who helped me with the setup! His name is Ethan, he’s really cool!

@J3ss3 Today at 3.13pm

Yo how come I never heard of him before?!?!?

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.15pm

Hey call you titts! You haven’t mentioned Petal prior to that as well!

@Petals Today at 3.16pm

WAIT YOU WHAT?!?!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.16pm

YOU HAVEN’T TOLD HER?!?!

@Petals Today at 3.16pm

Yeah they never tell anyone anything, right Mx Fuckhead?!?!

@J3ss3 Today at 3.17am

Jesus what did I come back to! I didn’t you we were attending a “Roast Jesse till they bleed” OUTCH

@Fallen_Jam Today at 3.17pm

You’ll get over it haha So Petal, when’s the day?

@Petals Today at 3.20pm

Well, this friday! They have an opening party that I really don’t want to miss. They said something with music and light and it sounds sooo cool! Gates open around 5pm so enough time before for a bit of chatter. If you need blades, you have an additional fee, but you’ll get that back after the ride! 

 @Fallen_Jam Today at 3.21pm

Perfect! I will text Ethan asap. Cya :D 

Nice date, time and ticket! What else? I was actually thinking of buying the ticket for Ethan sort of as a gift. But I’ll think about that. Anyhow, I’ll message Ethan and then grab some food. 

What. The. Fuck? 

I woke up, panicky looking around, touching myself. I was sweaty from fear. What was that? I looked at my phone. There was a video playing, a porn to be exact. I slowly started to piece everything together. I was tired and have been looking at the video. Out of pure tiredness I must have fallen asleep while the video was still on. The sound has triggered my brain and created this whole scenario. There was no hotel, nor a group. Just my imagination playing tricks on me. I was as relieved as I was disturbed by my own capability. 

I gazed at the alarm clock on my right side. Two in the morning. Right, as if I could ever wake up to a normal time for once in my life. Well since I’m awake like I’ve been drinking energy nonstop, I might as well get up in total. I looked down the stairs into the hallway which was dark. Meaning Sarah must still be in bed. If she’d been awake, the floor would shimmer in the living room's light. But nothing. Also no smell of toast so she hasn't eaten yet. It’s crazy how fast I get used to the habits of others that are around me. I mean I’m living here for a few but still. I got in front of my computer and stared at the screen, waiting for it to turn on, which it did about two minutes later. My computer is nothing compared to Henry. I mean yeah I could check Henry for those updates as well but he’s still busy processing the last data update. To be honest it kinda bums me that Henry is as buff as he is while my computer is suffering, but we all have to watch out for our resources. 

Discord was the first thing that popped right into my face. Multiple messages have been listed as unread. There is a friend invite from Midas, the guy I met a few days ago when I slept at Lucia's place. There have been a few messages from Jessen and two from Ethan. Wait…ETHAN? I stood up and fell face first into my bed. After a small break of my pure excitement I went back to my pc. Okay, let’s do this. 

Discord conversation 

@GreenOtter Yesterday at 11.46pm Hey I just wanted to check if everything is alright. I haven’t seen you in the last few days. I mean I haven’t seen you before but I saw your friend. I assume you don’t live here then? Well that’s a shame. Anyways, where do you live then? I guess I can easily come around if you want me to.  

@GreenOtter Today at 12.50pm I hope that I don’t come across like a total creep scaring you away like that. I promise, I didn’t mean to! I was just wondering if you’d like to meet up for a coffee sometime. Anyhow ttyl Jam!

Oh my goddess he called me Jam, a nickname, already? Wait no I’m stupid, that’s literally my nick on discord. Nevermind then. However, how cute is that! I mean I have no Idea what to answer but I’m sure I’ll do so! The fact alone that I started blushing when I read this message says enough doesn't it. But before I do that, let’s check out Jesse’s annoying ass. 

Discord conversation 

@J3ss3 Yesterday at 11.46pm Yo yo yoooo You won’t believe it! Guess who’s now a happier woman than ever before!?!? Petal’s so happy about the fact that you made those changes. She was so happy and teary when I showed her the info display. It worked all flawlessly, according to plan, as the cool kids these days say! Nonetheless, I made a Server for all 3 of us! If you want we can even add Lucia!!! OH man this will be the beginning of something great I can tell ya!!!

@J3ss3 Today at 12.50pm Oh and Petal loves the Idea with the Icerink, she’s already on it to get tickets for the gang. Please join the server! Anyway buyeeeee

Well, first I’m more than happy that Petal is happy now and that all programming did what it had to do. Second, *the gang*? What are we? A bunch of stupid soccer lads??? Nothing against people that play soccer, I just never understood why you let 20 people chase a ball when you could have 20 puppies chasing the same ball. It just doesn't end up to me. But I guess it doesn't need to. Soo let’s see, the link is there. The profile picture is just a really….really ugly one of Jesse holding a kitten into their phone. Not sure if the kitten wanted to end there though. I assume it’s either Pixel, Sniffer or Lucian but I’m not sure it was dark when I saw them at Jesse's place. 

I did have to gag a tiny bit while reading the title of the server. They literally called it “the gang” with an ugly star next to it. They better want it to look like it’s freshly baked in trash rather than a real approche on creating a fitting server for us. Well… We are kind of trash so they might have done a pretty decent job. 

Anyhow, let’s see what is in there and if I’m prepared.- I was not. 

This server could’ve also simply been one that was abandoned and then found by two toddlers who smeared paint all over it to make it look .. pretty? Literally, if the world would end, this would be the outcome. 

On the other hand, I get to see Petal! Her nick is relatively unspecial, being Petals. However her profile picture is just amazing. It’s a picture of her, but drawn in a really cool style. It looks like concept art, but all the lines,  the colours, everything is clear. She, no caps, looks like a Kpop Idol that was thrown into a game. I’m not sure if that’s an outfit she really owns or if she just made it all up to fit the vibe. Nonetheless, let’s get into this mess.  

Discord Server “The Gang ✩*⋆ “ conversation 

@J3ss3 Today at 2.00am So if we get there at ten we might as well get snacks prior to that?

@Petals Today at 2.05am Oh my yes please! Everyone likes snacks. 

—> @Fallen_Jam joined the Server! Today 2.43am

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.43am Hellou

@J3ss3 Today at 2.45am Yo bitch you made it! Happy welcome to you!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.45am THIS IS THE FUCKN FIRST THING YOU SAY TO ME??!!?

@Petals Today at 2.47am JAMES?!?! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!! THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.48am Haha I get paid for that lol. I hope it wasn’t too bad of an experience for you though :/

Happy you liked the surprise tho!

@Petals Today at 2.50am I did yeah big big big thx! Also, I was about to order the tickets for the ice rink if you still wanna come with us. They have a group ticket so if you have another one we could save some money ^^

@J3ss3 Today at 2.45am Maybe Lucia likes to come? She’s super fun. I bet Petal would love her too!

@Fallen_Jam Today at 2.48am Aktually, let me recheck something. I’ll answer later, gtg doing some stuff. Cya!

That’s it. I could ask Ethan out to join us at the ice rink. Lucia is already busy with school and being famous, so he’d be the best standin. Apart from that. Jesse could check him out as well. I trust Jesse and, well, he’d been writing with Amadeus back then so getting their view on the situation might even help. And Jesse could already meet him, and the other way around. I mean, I’m not sure if he’s able to skate on ice but if he can’t he could hold my hand. This Idea might be the best I had in forever. 

Already? 

When I gazed at the clock on my wall I was more than surprised. I was on Petals registration for hours, at least that was what I thought. In reality I’ve hardly even scratched a full hour. I mean, it’s not even six. Well, it is relatively dark outside, and I have issues calculating the time in general, but that surprised me. It's been a while since I had so much freetime in the eve where I had actually nothing to do. There wasn’t any issue on school grounds that would need work, I have finished my room for now, I’m not really in the mood to play some games with Jesse and Sarah isn't home so I could’ve done something with her. I stood up and launched myself into my bed. I still had Lucia's tasks for this week on the table which are, more or less, almost kind of finished. She wasn’t that creative, just some connecting things with words and cute pics of the things she had drawn herself. And yes, I can’t believe it myself too but apparently everyone around me is able to draw at a decent level. I especially like how she’d drawn food. That’s the cool thing if you have so many creative people. Jesse, who is obviously awesome in general, is just amazing when it comes to forms and organics. Apart from that, they are the perfect storyteller and writer. They thought about creating a coming or a manga but they haven’t really started. However, with Petal being a huge Kpop fan, we might get to see a glimpse of Jesse's manga adventure and ohh boy am I hyped to see the outcome of that. Speaking of Petal, she’s creative too. I don’t want to say that it's obvious but she’s all about Kpop so of course she is awesome in doing all those things that are kawaii and cute. She’s also a proud owner of an Etsy shop, selling her own printed stickers, noteblocks, magnets, cups, mugs, keychains and so on. I only know that because after the talk with Jesse I instantly followed her insta where she just promotes everything. As far as I can tell, she’s doing all that on her own. Considering the fact she’s just nineteen is still blowing my mind. Back in Dover I had two friends who were also quite creative. Their names are Fynnick and Fynnrick, and yes, they are siblings. Also yes, I did think they were just joking. They don’t. Fynnick is a pure master when it comes to photography. And Fynnrick is just really good with old art history which is both hilarious. If you see them, you’d instantly know that they are siblings, despite the fact that they are complete opposites. Where Fynnick is dressed like a person out of some vintage movie, Fynnrick is a pure punk. But just visually. Fynnrick is a scholar, smart as hell, and knows so much. Funnik on the other hand is constantly out there partying. I always loved the time Jesse and I spent with them. Often we just sat on the roof of the local gas station and looked into the night sky. Of course we were drunk, at may or may not be that legal age, but it was nice. We talked for hours and hours and hours. The four of us were the biggest thing I ever had in a friend group. Sadly, things got pretty bad at their place. Ms. Chaster has coughed her man sleeping with someone else, another man. Worst of all, it was her ex-boyfriend. She was angry and so furious that she took the twins, went to the car and drove all the way to london. I haven’t seen them since. We do stay in contact over discord, but the two are really busy so I don’t really have time to chat with them or so. I mean, yeah it is sad, but on the other hand, they are blooming now. As far as I’m aware they become ambassadors for their school so that’s awesome! However I do think that Fynnrick did force Fynnick in that situation because as far as I’m aware Fynnick is not that interested in school anyways, never was to begin with. So often you could see all four of us sitting in the hallway copy pasting everything from Fynnrick since we didn’t want to do our assignments. I guess growing up really can destroy some friendships after all. Good luck Jesse isn't able to get rid of me. So much for that.

I put my phone down and stared at the fairy lights that were scattered all over the ceiling above my bed. And now? There wasn’t anything to do nor anything I wanted to do. It was dark already and, as usual for this time of the year, I felt my depression slowly making its way into my life again. I wasn’t really worried to be honest, I’m used to this by now. I haven’t noticed it at first since my life got that bussy but now I can definitely feel the emptiness inside me. I reached my phone and started booting up all I got. Tinder. Romeo, Hinge, Grindr, I bet you can see where this is going. Last time I opened any of those apps was when the one apartment I visited wasn’t there, but that was more out of frustration than whatever I think I’m doing now but well, I guess it will be one of those nights’ I’ll spend somewhere unknown with someone unknown. I swiped profile through profile, tapped people I thought looked good or hot and got messaged by so many people I wish I’d never seen. It didn’t take long and I had a whole small down of dudes ready on me for so many fantasies. Somewhere looking for a casual night out, a drink and cuddles, which sounded good. Others were more of the short time and were really on it to find someone to sex with. I myself am unsure what I’m even looking for. I wouldn’t say I’m looking for sexual content since but looking at some of those profiles I can definitely tell I’m getting hornier. And then there was that one dude that coughed my attention. Tall, black hair, lean but not skinny. His name is Jacques and to be fair, he could sex me right here on the table just because of that name. He had many pictures of himself in his profile. Multiple from the side, one from the front, two where he wore no shirt and flexed his abs and arms, one without his pants and shirts and 2 nudes that were hiding his D. He has a really nice ass. Since his profile got me really in the mood, I decided for a long shot and tapped him with the devil emoji in hopes that he responds. He did. He texted me with a nice Hi and a casual emoji before he shot his next message asking if I’m looking for something now due to the tap. I agreed and within a couple of seconds he granted me access to his private album and on top of that sent me a lot of pics of him. The pics were hot, full of nudity in a variety of different angles. He was huge, not kidding. After the pics he just wrote 22 just for you. I can definitely feel that I would enjoy this ride. I opened the album and got even more excited. The entire album was filled with sexscenes of him fucking people. And we are talking about ten videos at least. Okay, there is no need to hide, not that I could. I was solid rock hard and as much as I know me this won’t go away at all. I asked if he had time like right now and if he’d be ready to spend the rest of the night with me. 

Nothing. No answer, nothing. I wasn’t sure how to feel. Until I looked back at my phone. He sent me a link to maps that showed a hotel and again texted me saying  that I have to go to room E311, the door will be open and the lights will be out. I, kind of horny, asked him what happened then. He was typing. I felt how the hype inside of me started to grow. Then I just stared at the screen, speechless and overwhelmed by my feelings. The message he sent read a sexual practices das does not require consent, not that he would care. He must have read that on my profile, in which I listed what it was I consider hot during sex. I was more than ready. My D. was already getting wet, so I went to my wardrobe. I got completely undressed and only grabbed my pants. I took a tank top and a jacket and sent him a message that I’ll be right there before I made my way to the hotel. I reached the hotel about fifteen minutes later. It was huge so I spent about 5 mins to look for the elevator. I drove up to the third floor and looked at the chat again. He wrote again, another task. He wants to spice things up. He told me to go to the bathroom on this floor, which usually is for employees. He wanted me to leave all my stuff there, so I entered his room naked. I was thinking but since I didn't have any money or important stuff with me I like the idea more than I technically should. So I did what he had asked of me. I got out of the elevator and went looking for the restrooms. I crossed his room on the way so I kind of have to go a bit far naked in this otherwise empty hallway but to be honest, seeing the door already made me more into it. I finally reached the restroom right behind the corner. There was a bag with a letter XXX so I put everything in there. I took a deep breath and looked out the restroom. Noone there, perfect. I tried to hide my rock hard boner which worked more or less and in about what could be a minute I reached the room. 

The room was dark, the curtains were shut, and the only light I’ve seen was the bit of light that came from the door. Until there was a huge bang. The door was shut and I felt an indescribable feeling. A mix of fear and excitement. Out of nowhere I started hearing sounds that were behind me and with a blink of an eye I had one hand covering my mouth while the other was choking me till I passed out. Couple of seconds later, I was tied up to the bed, facing the matrace. The more I got aware of the situation, the more I realised that Jacques was already penetrating me with his fingers. I couldn’t tell how many, but at least three. I layed down, relaxing the session until I saw a slight silhouette in front of me. Hold on, if someone is fingering me and someone is in front of me, then there have to be two people in here. But I couldn’t even think this through. All of the sudden I felt touches everywhere on my body. I couldn’t tell how many there were by now. I was feeling hands, tongues and dicks everywhere. Suddenly the ropes were loose, got blindfolded from behind and flipped like a pancake. And then I noticed. One person was constantly choking me till I passes out while I got fucked buy what seems like a docent of man. I couldn’t say how I felt. I was hot but also in pain, but I enjoyed every last second of that situation.After a while I heard how the door opened and everyone got outside. The curtains were opened and a street light was shining in. the ropes were loosened and I was about to get up, when again, I got choked out. When I was back, the light was on, nothing else. The room was just like new. In the middle was the back with my stuff. I slowly climbed off the bed and grabbed my stuff. I looked at the time, it was four in the morning. I was here for eight hours. I looked at my phone. Jacques sent me a link to a video with the message “good boy”. The link led to a thirty minute video of this night.