#bllrke

Clarke’s body shook with how overwhelmed she felt. They had lost a lot of people during the apocalypse. For some reason, she couldn’t shake the never ending thought that it was her fault. She really couldn't believe that it wasn’t her fault. ‘I’m horrible’, she thought. Horrible because in her opinion most of the crap that had happened since her father died was her fault. It was partly her fault that her father died. It was partly her fault that Finn died. It was partly her fault that all of those people at tondc died. It was partly her fault that all of those people at mount weather died. It was partly her fault that the war with Pike happened. It was partly her fault that Lexa died. And the pain and grief during the apocalypse was also partly her fault. These were things that ran through her mind daily. There were so many times that she wished she could be somebody else. Somebody who made everything good instead of making things worse.  

She stepped outside, a sigh falling from her chapped lips. She wanted a break from all of the politics. "This is my fault,” she said emptily as she stared up at the night's sky. “All of these people dying...it’s my fault.”

"How and why is a nuclear apocalypse your fault?” Bellamy said with disbelief as he stood behind her.

Clarke continued to look at the sky. “Because I caused this. I knew the apocalypse was going to happen but I still pulled the damn lever,” she said, her voice laced with venom.

"Clarke, take it from me," he started. "Blaming yourself isn’t going to help you or anyone. I know that you blame yourself for almost everything that has happened in the past year but you shouldn’t. We all are forced to make impossible decisions and we need to learn to forgive ourselves. I know that you find it hard to forgive yourself for everything.”

Clarke almost rolled her eyes. He knew her too well. Her eyes softened. "I just can't stop thinking about everyone that I couldn’t save.”

“I know,” he said, his eyes soft and full of understanding. “I feel the same way myself. It hurts but we still saved a lot of people.” He pulled his arm away from her shoulder and watched as she breathed heavily. He turned her gently so they were face to face. "You’re not alone in this, Clarke. I don’t want you to take on everything on your own. It’s not your fault that this has happened, and things aren’t just up to you and you only. It’s not just your responsibility.” Bellamy took a deep breath. “And you’re amazing. I couldn’t do this without you.”

Bellamy was incredibly kind, insightful, and truthful in that moment and because of that Clarke couldn’t help but smile gratefully.

“Thank you, Bellamy.”

"Don’t mention it,” he shrugged as if it was no big deal.

She shook her head. "No I mean it, Bellamy. You’ve done so much and I honestly don’t imagine my life without you in it.” Her words were so genuine and pure; he couldn't help but stare at her. After seeing how honest she was being, the realization that Clarke needed to know about his feelings hit him. He couldn't bear the thought of pretending that he only saw her as a friend or a political partner. After everything that they had been through in the previous months, he couldn’t pretend. Bellamy took a step back as his eyes looked more serious. "I need to tell you something." A couple of months prior, a group of grounders threatened to kill Clarke (the “girl you love”) if he didn’t give himself up for joining Pike.

She stared at him, her eyes wide and her lips pulled in a tight line. “About what?”

"You know how some of the grounders threatened to kill the girl I loved if I didn’t sacrifice myself? And everyone thought that they were talking about Raven?” Clarke nodded her head. “It wasn’t about her,” he blurted. “I do care about her, but it wasn’t her.”

Clarke watched him curiously. "Who was it about then?”

"It was you,” he said softly, as he tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. Clarke’s brow furrowed but he continued before she could ask anything. "They threatened to kill you, so I almost gave myself up.” Bellamy turned around to go indoors because he wasn’t prepared to see/hear her reaction. He was sure that Clarke was going to figure out his feelings after that statement.

"If you were doing it to protect the girl you love...then, why...what does that even mean Bellamy?” She said as she tried to scramble for words.

"What do you think it means?" Bellamy asked, turning closer toward her. "It means that they knew how I feel about you and knew that they could use it against me.” Then he stepped closer to Clarke. His eyes stared inside her blue orbs. As Clarke observed his face, she finally realized what was happening.

"It means that I love you.” He stated it nonchalantly but firmly. It was as if somehow he thought Clarke already knew.

And deep down she knew. He leaned in, but she shook her head.

"Clarke, I get it,” he stated with a soft, understanding smile. “You don’t like me like that. I respect that.”

She swallowed the giant lump in her throat as she listened to him talk. She knew that Bellamy had feelings for her. Was she always aware of that? Nope.

Did she always have a suspicion? Yes. Bellamy and Clarke had a great relationship. They had an amazing understanding that hadn’t been mastered by many other people in their lifetime. He always protected her. Always saved her. And he always understood her. She knew all that, but did Clarke love Bellamy back?

Yes. Of course. She would always love him.

But was Clarke in love with Bellamy?

Clarke’s eyes lingered on Bellamy’s chocolate brown orbs. It was a sad look. "I’ve lost so many people I care about and sometimes I wonder if it’s my fault.” Bellamy’s eyes flashed with understanding and sadness. He knew exactly how she felt.

Tears started to fill her eyes, threatening to flood her eyes and fall down her cheeks. She wanted to cry but told herself that she couldn’t.

She didn’t want to cry because a small part of her still thought it was weak. She really wanted to believe that love was weakness, but deep down she knew it wasn’t.

"And loving you scares me because of that.” Clarke knew she loved Bellamy since mount weather and had been suppressing it ever since.

She thought that he’d be passionate in response but instead he just turned his head to go back inside. She didn’t want that to happen. She couldn’t stand the idea of Bellamy leaving her after what they both just admitted.

Abruptly, Clarke reached for Bellamy and gripped his plain black t shirt with her right arm. She pulled him closer towards her and her lips crashed on his. The kiss was so passionate that his eyes were initially open from shock, but he relaxed into it and mirrored Clarke’s movements. Deep down he always knew that there was something between them. Initially he wasn’t a big fan of that idea because he thought that they were too different, but he began to feel drawn to her, it didn’t matter how much they disagreed with each other, he still loved and respected her. Then, Clarke abruptly pulled her lips away, but their foreheads were still touching. "Woah," he started, but lost his words because of how foggy his mind was. He was struggling to form any logical thought. The only thing that he was thinking about was learning into kiss her again. He went to kiss her, but she stepped back and let go of his t shirt.

Her eyes were wide, her eyebrows were furrowed, and her lips were trembling.

Bellamy stepped back, his eyes becoming more cold as a way to shield himself. He knew exactly what was going to do.