#blb3

But in the late hours of the night I question. You never asked me for anything. You always seemed upset when I sent you things or when my account was charged. Were things different with me than those girls? Was I some how more special than her 10 years and her 4 years? Did I really make a difference? How much was a lie and how much was truth? Was any of it real?

I’m trying to be good enough. I’m trying to be more of an adult and not a child. I’m trying to give you everything and make you feel loved, safe and wanted.

I’m trying, please..

See me..

I had a nightmare

In it, you left me because I wasn’t good enough for you.

And it was right, I’m not good enough.

You have so many talents that you’re good at. You have this beautiful view of what love is. You’re attractive and have all this life experience. You’ve been so many places, done so many things.

How do I compare?

I feel like I fall short to you and I try to make up for it by being extra loving but I feel like I’m being too much and pushing you a away with it.

I don’t know how to talk to you about it, because I’m afraid I’ll sound like a child.

I just want to make you happy..

I love you so much..

I cried in the two showers I took today

I’ve been crying in bed

My chest hurts

I’m fighting with both sides of myself

I don’t know who’s gonna win

I just want to rip my heart out

You think it doesn’t hurt me

Or that I’m not allowed to be upset

But here I am

I’ve yelled and I’ve fought

But it’s not my decision to make

The clock is ticking faster

And I’m losing out on days

Calling all crows

They say your name

We won’t part after death

Because you’ll always have my heat

From your odd duck to you

I love you too.

—-

This hurts more than you understand

I never thought I’d go through this again

First it was Aleck, then Joshie and now it’s you

I wish I was enough for everyone

I wanted to fix you all

I’m just as a child now as I was then

You always think you’re alone

But I’ve been there before

And just because we weren’t official

Doesn’t mean it hurts any less