#blarhg

I'm having a lot of trouble wording this in a way that doesn't just sound like "the floor is made of floor" yeah wow disabled people get treated bad not new but like

Today i participated in an event that was INCREDIBLY physically and mentally taxing. It was for everyone involved, not just me. I got through it, but i was absolutely wrecked, i ultimately pushed myself harder than i should have or should have had to, and i almost permanently injured myself. I really hurt myself. I did my job though.

I had a few friends over the course of the day tell me they were feeling TERRIBLE, describing their feelings that matched up very much with the kind of stuff i go through just every day at practice. I told them to talk to our director, and maybe sit down. Im a good friend and even if something about those interactions rubbed me the wrong way, i did NOT tell my friends that they should just try to cope. I also didnt compare what i was going through to what they were going through, at least not to their faces. But I did internally, and I felt really guilty.

I didn't know why I felt so frustrated, im a rational person and I love my friends and I really wasn't angry at them, if anything I knew how they felt more than anyone else and could sympathize. But i still felt WRONGED. Quite perturbed. And so while my friends were taking breaks, and getting help for their issues, i continued on doing my job and considering all of this.

I am allowed to sit out if i am feeling terrible, but then i would be sitting out a lot. More than everyone else certainly, more than what is viewed as productive, and ive been told that if i just sit out all of the time i might as well just quit. So i never do.

When my friend was telling me that he might stop participating in these events because they were too difficult for his body, i reacted viscerally with alarm and confusion. All i could think was "No! You can't do that! Why are you even a part of this if you're just going to not do the work for it! You see me here putting in all of the work! Why dont you just work as hard as me!!!! SUCK IT UP WUSS!!!!!!!" Is what I was thinking. And then I looked around and saw everyone agreeing with him, they thought that was probably better for him. And so instead i just asked "But I do it all?"

He said quite simply that "Yeah but you're used to it, and have a better pain tolerance." And i supposed he was right, so i acquiesced. I did have a higher pain tolerance than him. I do go through it everyday. Because if I don't I will never do anything, If I sit out on some things I might as well quit right?

I was trying to explain this to my mom earlier, and how i wasnt sure why but the whole situation pissed me off so hard. That I didn't think my friend should have to put up with things that hurt him, that i wasn't angry because of that. I tried to see myself in his place, having that same conversation with my group, that I was not going to continue doing those events, but i realized none of my peers would react like that to me saying that. They would ask me what had gotten worse, why i couldn't continue to just trudge on through it. They would contest me, maybe not directly, but they would need to be able to justify it.

This made me run into a brick wall of realization that

I wasn't angry that my friends were getting the help they needed, i was upset that it wasn't REALLY easily available for me, and for others like me. That the option was there but, my situation wasnt temporary so i should learn not to need help or something. And that I'd been thinking that way too.

Just knowing this doesn't even solve the problem. I am all for self advocating, but if I start asking for real help all the time I will be seen as pushy, bossy, and self centered.

Blessed be canes

Canes are wonderful

They catch me before I hit the floor and ruin my already fragile knees