#blakforest

A 2 Hour Techno mix from last night. Enjoy :)

I'm not sure how I'm feeling today. I'm heading back into work after a long weekend.. A long weekend that fucked me. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if it was due to the acid but I couldn't talk to her. I was so focused on vibing with her that my mind had its own conversation and the whole night was wasted. I'm such a dipshit, moments like this make me realise how much of a coward I am. When I'm presented with an opportunity, I never take it. All I wanted to do was talk, get to know her but I end up hiding in my shell, not talking. Either I can't do it or we're just not compatible. I didn't want to force it and I think that's what's bothering me the most. I was hooked on this person over our first interaction that I can't look passed it. I'm living in the past and I'm struggling to move on. Acid is one hell of a drug. I don't know if I'll be doing it again, not with them anyway..

It was during the night she asked if I was coming back to the Apartment. Her, two other friends and myself. We were to smoke weed, amyl and nang it till we fell asleep. After a long night of partying, it seemed like the right thing to do. I've always wanted to, especially with friends and with her. I felt anxious, I felt I would be putting myself through hell because of her, but this would have been the perfect time to have gotten close, to spend time with her. Drugged, exhausted and spending the night with a few friends and the girl I'm into seemed like the perfect opportunity. I was wrong. The highs were incredible, but my efforts weren't. I couldn't tell if it was the intense experience, my poor efforts or her lack of interest to do anything. Any move, suggestion or need to forward any type of affection between us was pushed back. I couldn't tell you if it was the drugs, the mixed emotions or the overall lack of intimacy between us, but nothing happened. Each hit we took we would look at each other intensely. Starring into each others eyes for what seemed like an eternity. It was incredible, being able to stare into each other without any remorse. This is what screwed me. Her smile being the first thing I saw as we both opened our eyes. This gave me an endless amount of hope that something between us would happen. Tonight is the night I'll find my answer. An endless loop of feeling the urge to explore her mind, feeling her, being beside her, that intimacy I wanted. The thought drove me insane. "She just wasn't interested" I thought. If she was, I'm positive something would have happened but nothing did and the result, a fractured mind and a broken heart because I fell to deep. One friend passed out on the couch while the three of us continued until she eventually decided to go to bed. At this point I was full of regret. My heart sunk. After an hours time I moved into the room and saw her laying in bed with her friend on the other side. There was room for me to fit but being high and my emotional state having fucked me over, I fell asleep on the floor. Any type of drive was gone. I was a mess. I woke up a few hours later to the sound of her watching videos from last night, I chose to stay quiet. The feeling I messed something up rushed over me. I usually don't feel like this after an amazing high but given the situation, I felt incredibly shit. After some time, I said good morning which she replied with a question "why did you sleep on the floor? I thought you were sleeping beside me". I didn't reply. I breathe in heavily thinking about what a fucking mess I was. Was she waiting for me to do something? Did I not try anything that whole time? Was I that fucked from the amyl, the weed and the come down of the pill that it was all in my head? Is it because I have feelings for her that I refrained myself from pushing that barrier, from wanting to get hurt and stopping myself from rejection? Was amyl my enemy this time? Why am I like this? I know if I don't put myself on the line, to risk it, I wouldn't know. That I won't be able to progress. Maybe I need that hard decline, that hard rejection to be able to move on, to bear the pain and grow passed this. I missed my chance and because of that I've voluntarily put myself back where I was years ago. Self doubt, self loathing and regret. Feelings I despise and never thought I'd come across again or feel because of someone. I need to accept that she isn't into me. Move on. Learn from my mistakes and grow the fuck up. Maybe I just need to take action and disconnect from her. It's about me and what I need and right now I feel I need to clear my mind, my heart and restart. That vicious cycle we all go through. It needs to restart again and do things differently. Or I just need to chill the fuck out. Realise we were all fucked up and needed to chill out and I'm blowing this way out of proportion. I think way to much into things. Monday, this week is going to be a struggle. What a mess.

I finally have a new set up! I’m pretty happy with this one! 2 Hours of pure bliss <3

I open it and see a photo of her standing with her elbow bent just behind her side, presenting an elegant pose of her front. Dressed in a checkered boobtube with a printed on flame across her chest, a red fishnet-like seeping up onto her smooth exposed belly, tight black shorts or tights with a thin black belt around her slim waist that had little silver stars dangling off of it. Her caption read "this weekend". She gave me 10 seconds to burn the imagine into my retinas, which I gladly took. I replied with, "I'm missing out" with which she replies "haha it's too hot". This 3 day festival is something I should have pushed towards, but alas my weak heart gave out and I steal a cigarette from the kitchen counter, I step outside, light a match and take a deep drag of regret. I don't know what game she's playing but I all I know was that I wish I was going.