it's been more than three months since we saw you last, and two since we've learned about your fate. it's been very difficult. i can't begin to tell exactly how many times i've cried. and...there hasn't really been a day that i haven't thought about you.
along with thinking, i've been writing a lot too. my thoughts about your desperate battle against the world, and yourself. about your broken heart that still wanted to believe in love and goodness. how your spirit grew more dim with every brutal goodbye, how each loss left you with nothing, and from nothing you were still trying.
i've said that a lot, i say this every single time i talk about you, but i don't think i will ever stop being amazed by your tenacity. i've seen claims that you had given up in chap 5, but that's not true. you were trying, and you've never stopped til the very end.
i still have a lot of questions. so, so much i want to know about you. mundane things. more about your past, facts about your life, what you liked, disliked, your thoughts.
i want to know whether you let yourself realize that you were dying and resigned yourself to it, or if you were only forced to accept it when it was too late to do anything anymore. whether you didn't pick up the phone out of avoidance, intention, or a mix of both.
whether it was similar to the blockade you've felt against eating, and you just– couldn't. i want to know if maybe... realizing that this was insurmountable, you told yourself in one last desperate bid for control, "i chose this".
i want to know, because... even with what we have, i still can't understand why. why it happened like this. i can only wonder.
i'd love to have answers. but, more than that, i'd love to see you again. to be sad with you, to cry with you, to root for you again.
to see you happy, because these were the moments that i loved seeing the most.
i miss you.
the months i've spent loving you felt like entire lifetimes, and i still wasn't ready for you to go.
it feels like a dream now.
you were such a beautiful dream.
miyuri, by renitivitys.
i don't know if you would have liked that name. even if that, and any future have been lost now, still...i'd like to imagine that you would.
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for the past few hours, i've been thinking about you a lot. it's hard for me to find the words, but i still want to try and say something that could be worthy of you. something that would be able to express just how much you mean to me.
because i love you, so dearly.
life can be deeply unfair and cruel, and you knew that well, despite not wanting to dwell on that when you didn't have to. i know that your life in particular hasn't consisted of much more than an endless flurry of rejection and emptiness. and pain. so much suffering. everyone around you, every interaction, every experience.... all of it making you feel like there was no place for you in this world. that you were destined to be alone, always stumbling in the dark, unwanted, unnedeed, unmoored. that you were nothing at all.
but that's not true. you were a person. you mattered, and you were loved. it was brief, and it wasn't enough in the end. but it was real. in a better world, that love would have allowed you to bloom into someone you wouldn't recognize. you could've been so much more.
i wish that you had gotten that chance. i wish, so badly, that you'd gotten to understand you had nothing to atone for. your existence wasn't a detriment. you weren't death. you weren't a curse.
you were a loving and gentle soul, much stronger and braver than you could've ever realized.
there was still so much more for you to experience. you deserved to live. you deserved to be here, to get better. you deserved everything.
i'm sorry, masanari.
you've been tired for so long. it's okay now. you don't have to keep hurting anymore. it's time to rest.
thank you.
thank you for always trying your best. thank you for holding on for as long as you have. thank you for the life that you've lived. thank you, so much, for being born.
He looks back again, just in time to catch Hasegawa walking through the entrance of the dining room, and disappearing into the darkness.
Yanagi's breath stutters.
His vision flashes with a long curtain of raven hair, flowing behind its owner with her every elegant step. The image is so vivid he feels like he's back there, at the moment that changed everything.
Sasaki giving him an exhausted nod of acknowledgement as she passed by him. Him smiling and nodding back.
Him letting her go into the kitchen without exchanging a single word.
Yanagi's blood freezes in his veins.
He scrambles out of the chair, and runs after him.
a little fix-it fic. alternate ending to [overwhelming sense of dread].
“-those with anxiety disorders are also tend to be at higher risk-”
For a few minutes straight, Hasegawa has been in a state of panic, rambling and jumbling his words together. He seems to be completely lost in his own head.
Yanagi huffs through his nose, sharing another incredulous look with Hama. This is starting to get ridiculous.
“-of...developing depression... it goes the other around too-”
It's concerning and...something else.
“-those with depression fairly commonly develop symptoms associated with-”
Yanagi clenches his jaw. This is really starting to...
“-anxiety, so- hoh- oh god, fuck, s-so there's a de-”
“Hasegawa! Enough!” Yanagi shouts, surprising himself, and causing Hasegawa to freeze like deer in the headlights.
Panicked brown eyes meet Yanagi's blue. The taller man flaps his mouth uselessly for a few seconds, then presses his mouth into a tight line. He curls into himself and digs his nails into his clothed arms.
Yanagi lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
He didn't mean to be so loud. He wasn't even sure what ticked him off.
Yanagi takes a glance at Hasegawa, who's staring vacantly at nothing. If not for his still heaving chest, he'd seem more a statue than a person. Yanagi sighs. Perhaps...raising his voice also was not the best idea. It certainly didn't help.
“Hasegawa...It's alright.” Yanagi tries again, taking care to make his voice sound far gentler.
“You're alright. Just breathe, slowly. In...and out...”
He takes a few deep breaths, hoping Hasegawa will follow his lead.
The light is running low. Before Yanagi can reach for a shakelight, Hama flicks his a few times and motions his head to Hasegawa. Yanagi nods his head in thanks.
After a minute or two, with Yanagi's help, Hasegawa's breathing slowed down considerably.
Although, it doesn't seem like he’s calmed down, only gotten more... dim. His eyes have dulled to the same quiet nothingness Yanagi came to associate with him during the past few days. Compared to his earlier outburst, he seems almost lifeless now.
“I...I-I'm going back to my room.” Ken mumbles, rising from his chair, his movements sluggish.
Yanagi blinks. Before he can react, Hasegawa turns around, and speedwalks out of the dining hall without sparing them a glance.
“A-ah, wai-”
Hama cuts him off. “Don't. If the kid wants to be by himself, let him be by himself. Respect his wishes and whatnot.”
“...Right.” Yanagi says, unconvinced, and settles down.
Hasegawa has been spending most of his time alone in his room for a few days now. He hasn't exactly been begging for company. Yanagi wonders if this is just who Hasegawa is, or if he truly needs to be alone, or if they've done something that made him avoid them. He doesn't know. He…doesn’t know anything about Hasegawa at all.
He looks back again, just in time to catch Hasegawa walking through the entrance of the dining room and disappearing into the darkness.
Yanagi's breath stutters.
For a second, the fluid motion of Hasegawa's jacket reminds him of something else. Something he hasn't seen in what feels like ages.
His vision flashes with a long curtain of raven hair, flowing behind its owner with her every elegant step. The image is so vivid he feels like he's back there, at the moment that changed everything.
Sasaki giving him an exhausted nod of acknowledgement as she passed by him.
Him smiling and nodding back.
Him letting her go into the kitchen without exchanging a single word.
Yanagi's blood freezes in his veins.
He scrambles out of the chair, and runs after him.
“Ha-Hasegawa, w-wait!”
Yanagi catches up with him in the main hallway, near the dorms. He shakes his light, casting light upon the other man's half-turned form. Hasegawa's squinting at him.
“...What is it.” he states rather than asks, sounding like he'd rather be anywhere else but there.
“I-I, uh, well...”
Now that Yanagi chased him all the way here, he's at a loss of words. What could he say? You seem very stressed, just like Sasaki was, and so I'm kind worried you might kill someone. Errgh. Definitely not.
This is strange. That vision was...He's never experienced anything like that before. He's not entirely sure what's going on. But whatever it is, his gut is telling him that he can't let Hasegawa go.
He clears his throat. “Uh...D-Don't worry, I won't keep you long. It's just, ah...You haven't r-really answered my question, from earlier. Are you...truly alright?”
It feels pointless to ask that when the answer is so obvious. If Hasegawa is annoyed with the question, he doesn't show it. He turns his head in the direction of the dorms, and then back at Yanagi. His gaze looks completely absent.
“Y-Yeah...It's just...” He rubs at his face. “I-I just...I need to go back to my room.”
Yanagi bites his lip and takes a step forward. “Hasegawa...” He sighs. “You don't have to talk if you don't want to, but, I-I've got a few things I'd like to say, i-if you don't mind?”
Hasegawa doesn't say anything, but he also doesn't walk away, so Yanagi reluctantly decides to take it as permission.
“First of all, I..."
"I-I'm very, very sorry for your loss.” Yanagi begins, quietly. “I sincerely apologize for not saying that sooner. I-I didn't know Kamimura very well, but,” he takes a deep breath.
“But I know that...he was kind.” And Yanagi means that, too. Despite his abrasive demeanor, Kamimura was a good person. He was there for Yanagi during a difficult moment after Chiba's death, and he's been grateful for that ever since. “What happened to him was just...unforgivable. So, I-”
“No.”
Yanagi startles. “Hase-”
“No, just...s-stop it. Stop it.” Hasegawa's chin wobbles, but his gaze is steely. “Y-you didn't know him, so don't...t-talk about him like you did.”
“I...yes, you're right,” Yanagi relents, letting his voice get as soft as it can. “I didn't know him. But you did.”
“And I can't...possibly imagine the sheer anguish you've been going through these past few days.”
Hasegawa's breath catches. He tightens his fists and squeezes his eyes closed. He appears as if the slightest gust of wind could shatter him.
Yanagi doesn't know what else to say. The last thing he wants is to drive Hasegawa away for good.
He can't bring Kamimura back. Promising Hasegawa that things will get better eventually would be naive, perhaps simply untrue.
But he needs to do something. Something to remind Hasegawa that he's not completely alone.
There's nothing to offer besides his presence. One human being to another.
He really hopes it doesn't make it worse.
Yanagi reaches out, and takes Hasegawa's clammy hand into his own. Hasegawa flinches, but doesn't jank it away.
Yanagi cradles it softly, hoping his touch can communicate his intentions better than words ever could.
Hasegawa sniffles, and lets out a quiet, broken sob.
Yanagi's heart lurches at the sound. He steps closer. “It's alright...Let it out...” he whispers, giving the hand a small squeeze. It's shaking in his hold.
“Fuck...F-fuck...!” Hasegawa cries. He brings his other hand up to rub at his eyes. “I...Fuck, I-I can't do this...“
As he's listening to the strangled noises of agony escaping through Hasegawa's clenched teeth, Yanagi realizes something that fills him with shame.
All this time, he's been thinking of Hasegawa as a man. A tall, quiet man whose angry voice rang in everyone's ears during the trial, a man who knocked Okazaki to the ground with a single punch. Someone who kept to himself because that was just what he preferred.
But right now, in the dim glow of fading light, it's like he's able to see for the first time.
He sees the unwashed hair. The rumpled suit.
He sees someone on the precipice, about to fall.
He only sees hunched over, shy Hasegawa, who has never seemed smaller than in that moment.
After a few minutes of Yanagi's hushed reassurances, Hasegawa's sobs subside. It's fully dark now, but neither of them reach for their lights.
“Would you like to go back to your room now?” Yanagi inquires gently. “A-a-and, perhaps...”
Yanagi inhales deeply, steeling himself.
“Then...w-we could talk a bit more, inside?”
The figure skater holds his breath. There's no question of whether Hasegawa will decline or not, Yanagi knows that he will. But he needed to ask, just for his own peace of mind. To know that at least he tried.
To his surprise, after a long moment of silence, he hears a barely audible, “...Okay.”
Yanagi exhales. His feels his face splitting by a radiant grin.
“Alright.” he whispers back just as quietly, squeezing Ken's hand again. He feels a faint squeeze back.
Yanagi shouldn't celebrate yet. That was just a first step, one that should have been made long before that. Still, for some reason, he's overflowing with relief.
Masanari, Nakamigawa, Ojima, and now Ken...he truly has his work cut out for him. He wonders if there are even more of his peers whose suffering he's been disregarding.
Not for the first time, and certainly not the last, he wishes Tsuno were still here. She would have done a much better job helping everyone. She probably would not let things get bad in the first place.
But she's gone. So he will do his best to continue helping others in her stead.
He said they needed to look out for each other as a group, and that includes everyone. He will not let any one of them slip through the cracks.
Yanagi shakes the tiny flashlight in his hand. On its own, it can't overcome the overwhelming darkness that has engulfed them all, but at least, it can illuminate the path forward.
Have you heard about Wada being reborn in staffside as Ophelienne?
yeah. i was there for the funeral. she is a representation of wada first and foremost, but also of every dead student as a whole, which is very fitting.
ophelienne the deceased.
thinking about it...wada thought of himself as the harbringer. annihilation, loss, nothingness. the one that destroys. but instead, i think he's always been the human, life-side of death. he was grief, mourning, the ones that had their lives taken away- not the force that took their lives. he was never death.
in life, wada took so many deaths upon himself and carried them on his shoulders. he had the biggest connection with the dead out of everyone. so it makes sense for him to embody them. he has always been the deceased.
i've been thinking a lot about wada and hiroaki's relationship lately. specifically, the way wada expresses physical and verbal affection towards him, because it's different from how he acted towards anyone he's been close to so far. it's super interesting to me, so i wanted to analyze and speculate about it. before i get to that, i want go to through the other major relationships wada's had for comparison, starting with...
wada and tsuno.
tsuno was very generous with showing affection towards wada, often taking him into her arms at the slightest hint of upset, or saying that she loves him out of the blue and then moving on like it was nothing. but wada didn't really return her gestures, or initiate any, so for the longest time i was confused on how he felt about her. in [audio visual experience], when she called him her little brother, he said "you're still running with that?", thinking it's just been a bit. he was keeping her at arm's length, but he still clearly liked and trusted her so... there could be a few possible explanations for that.
some time ago, i said that wada seems like he doesn't really trust words. he looks at people's actions and behaviour, and he believes his own conclusions over what people say. tsuno frequently put up a front around wada, acting way too upbeat during dire situations or hiding when she was upset. she didn't want to burden him with her problems, but it does signal a lack of trust in him and his capabilities to support her back. and wada saw that. he knew that she was stressed and overworked, and that he added to that stress by being constantly sick and breaking down and generally needing a lot of care. but if she's always denying it whenever he brings it up, offering endless reassurances instead, even though those don't really work on him and he knows better... how is he supposed to fully trust her? to truly feel like he stands on level ground with her? so, maybe when he heard tsuno say that she loved him, that he's her little brother, it registered, but he didn't let himself take it to heart. 'maybe she's just saying that, like all these other things. saying what he wants to hear.' and, if she doesn't want his support, to rely on him, then maybe she wouldn't want anything else he has to offer either. wada likes to be of use to people he loves/trusts/is grateful to- so being denied a chance to helpful, being basically deemed in some way 'insufficient' for the task when he was 'taking' so much from tsuno, made him feel even more like a burden.
another possible reason: tsuno was an overwhelmingly kind person, helping others was her main purpose in life. she was a self-proclaimed superhero! so, why would wada believe that he was special to her just because she was kind and warm to him? that's just who she was. that was just a part of the job she took upon herself. so if he let himself be affectionate back, and it turned out that she was only being nice and helpful because that's who she is and not because she cares about him as a person specifically...hhhh...ouch. he's already been way too vulnerable with her. wada's parents hated him, he has been mistreated and unwanted his whole life. pure speculation now, but he might have been burned before, maybe in his foster families or elsewhere, when people made him feel that maybe that was finally it, until inevitably something went wrong. and so now he doesn't let himself get his hopes up without being very sure.
it kinda seems like i'm making wada out to be so distrusting of tsuno, which is not true. wada was audibly comfortable and happy whenever he was with her. wada knew tsuno wanted the best for him because of everything she did, and he was very grateful towards her. by now, i know that he loved her, he just wasn't expressing it very openly like she was.
it's just, the disconnect between tsuno's behaviour and reality, and her refusal to give wada a chance to support her created distance between them. all these factors were muddying the waters and causing him to let his walls down at a snail's pace.
the only time it was different was in the last moments they spend together, during chap 3's investigation. tsuno's manner was noticeably dimmer than usual. first, wada tried to cheer her up by talking about silly topics, like learning to play tuba. finally, he asked her if she was okay. and just because she was vulnerable, he finally had an opportunity to offer support- to be there for her in her grief. she didn't put up a front this time, she treated him as an equal, and was honest. and so, when she said she loved him, he said it back.
i think if tsuno had lived, and started being more real with wada, he might have began feeling more comfortable with expressing affection openly, but...i'm still glad she got to hear that from him, just once.
wada and isono.
isono is tricky, because they spend very little time being real friends, but how he acted towards her parasocially says a LOT about how he acts towards people he loves and admires. even though she was only one of multiple streamers wada watched and supported, she was still incredibly important to him. he had been watching her for long enough for a deep emotional connection to form regardless of whether he knew who she truly was. and, it was very real to him, even though it was one sided.
before the KG, she was his lifeline. although he had no one in his life, through her and other streamers, he felt genuinely cared for. this next part is going to be more speculative... there weren't many reasons for wada to get out of bed, but, whenever isono asked her viewers to take care of themselves, maybe he found it a bit more doable, like it was worth it. and he couldn't really let her down now after she said that, could he? through her, maybe...he found the strength to face another day. again, and again.
he had nothing to offer, but he needed to show his gratitude somehow. well...all he had was the meager amount of money he earned, so, he could support her and others with that. he didn't have a steady or large paycheck, and this money could really be put to a better use, something to truly improve his life, but that didn't matter- the streamers kept him going, they were the only ones he had, really. when they gave him so much, he had to give back, even if he was left with nothing.
presently, she's still the one wada has the deepest emotional connection with. so much so that even after tsuno dies, he still goes to talk primarily to isono's ghost. he feels like he can share everything with her without reservations, as if out of everyone, she was the one that truly cared for and understood him.
before she died, he didn't have many opportunities nor time to open up to her and show her affection, but still, they seemed like they were on the fast track to becoming great friends. isono loved to tease him and play harmless pranks, and she cared about him. they also had a few moments together as a comedic duo. and wada got to meet her, to talk to her, to get to truly know her... it must have been anxiety inducing but, in some way, also a dream come true.
isono's still the most important person to him. there's no comparison. and yet...
wada and hiroaki.
now this. this pair has been driving me crazy since chap 4. even though wada is not nearly as emotionally close with hiroaki as he still is with isono, the way he's acting with him is different than the way he's been with anyone else. after months of me being confused about how wada felt about tsuno cause he's been so closed off, with hiroaki i have zero doubts in my mind that he straight up adores him. it's bewildering.
physical affection. with hiroaki, wada initiated hugs on his own! i don't remember him ever being the one to do that with tsuno, she always had to beckon him towards her. but with hiroaki, he did that two times, completely unselfconsciously, despite hiroaki's protests, just because he wanted to. i didn't think much of it at first because what hiroaki did for him, giving him clothes + a haircut, was so significant that it warranted a big show of gratitude, but taking everything else into account? that was still unusual for wada.
wada's also been very verbally affectionate when the right opportunity presented itself. he's been calling hiroaki nagawa very consistently, but everyone's been calling him that so it's kinda nbd. however, last week's "we love you nagawa!" was like...what? i'm?? months ago i would never ever have guessed that wada would become hiroaki's biggest supporter after ojima. he was so happy at hiroaki making progress, he was almost giddy, and he said that like it was nothing! that sounded like something a fan would shout at their idol to cheer them on, so i had a thought that maybe wada's been feeling a little like hiroaki's something like his oshi. but then he said he was proud of him, and then repeated it again for emphasis. you don't say that to someone when you place yourself below them, you say that to an equal, (although i'm still holding onto the oshi thing). they're both flawed individuals who have difficulties with self-worth and expressing themselves, and who they want to be. hiroaki has very visible problems and weaknesses, he's been struggling hard with changing and growing as a person, and wada can heavily relate to that.
with hiroaki, he's not scared or reluctant of showing affection when he truly feels like it. he just does it. he loved tsuno, but he never was like that with her, so... i just wondered what made the difference.
wada and hiroaki didn't have much of a relationship for the first two chapters, at least on wada's side. he thought hiroaki was a loudmouth and a jerk, as did most other people. also he was lowkey scared of him due to the sketches hiroaki had made of him. that changed in [formentia] when wada watched hiroaki calm hama down from an anxiety attack. that was the first time he truly saw hiroaki's kind side. realizing that there was a lot more to him than meets the eye, he started calling him by his first name from that point on. another scene that was significant for them happened in [the other room], when ojima took wada away from okazaki and tsuno's fight and placed him in the room with hiroaki. despite his pretense of not being concerned, hiroaki offered him reassurance, and they had a nice conversation where they learned more about each other and bonded a little as fellow creatives.
this is a good place to mention that hiroaki also really likes wada, to the point where he doesn't bother denying it anymore. he had been hard at work on a gift for him for two weeks, and the conversations they had in chap 3 made him even more fond of him. so when wada came into the dining hall in [salvage], acting pissed off and shooting hiroaki down for no reason, when he had been nothing but demure and friendly with him so far? it hurt. really hurt, cause he didn't expect that from wada. hiroaki wasn't even being particularly hostile, he was just making a few dumb comments that wada normally wouldn't really react to. he was just being himself, which wada seemed to be accepting of... up until that point. so, in response to what was essentially a jab to the shoulder, hiroaki went straight for the jugular.
after that wada was back to being anxious around hiroaki, even becoming openly hostile and resentful towards him following tsuno's passing. and then it seemed like that was that- their tentative friendship was over... until [grieving process].
tsuno's death was the hardest moment wada's experienced thus far. after the trial, he was just crashing in his room. and here comes hiroaki, respecting wada's coping mechanism despite deriding it before, and making an effort to be vulnerable in front of him. and then... he gave him new custom clothes he had sewn himself, wanting nothing in return.
hiroaki put in hours upon hours of thought, effort and work in order to create something wonderful just for wada, which he didn't have to do at all. but he did, because he wanted to, because he felt wada was worth it. and then, he gave it to him in his darkest hour, to uplift him and give him strength. and so... wada now knows for sure that, no matter what, the person who reached out to him right then with the most thoughtful gesture he's experienced in his life, cannot be anything but kind at his core.
wada relaxes. his body feels lighter than it ever has. without a shred of selfconsciousness, he steps forward and gently wraps his arms around hiroaki. he feels safe. he doesn't pay hiroaki's words and tone any mind. he sees beyond them, and he understands now. he sees him.
that moment was beyond monumental. wada didn't have to do anything to "earn" this, or even ask for it. hiroaki just went completely out of his way, doing something completely selfless, and he didn't do that for anyone else but wada. this gesture was so big, so full of effort and time, so much kindness, specifically for him, it made wada lower down his walls in an instant.
i have no doubt that this made wada feel very special and loved.
it also helped that he definitely likes hiroaki as a person. he doesn't trust him 100%, he still prefers to speak his thoughts to empty air, but he can trust that hiroaki truly likes and cares about him, and that if he hurts him, it's never on purpose.
that. that one thing, hiroaki going above and beyond when he didn't have to, when it was completely unexpected, only for him, was what i think made wada trust him much faster than tsuno. categorizing these relationships, i would put hiroaki closer to isono than to her, which is???? remarkable to me when he knew isono for far longer. don't get me wrong- he LOVES tsuno. i'm not saying that hiroaki's closer to him than her or that wada holds him in higher regard. it's just...different. i'm holding off with the L word for now, even though he said it himself, but still. wada really really likes hiroaki a lot. cannot overstate that enough. despite me trying hard to understand why, it still astonishes me that wada wants to and feels like he can express his affection and support this openly and easily towards anyone. it's incredible. hiroaki didn't want any payment from him, so he just...offers his words and gestures instead. and hiroaki has been so protective of wada it's crystal clear to everyone too, like, tamba saying he dotes on him?? i think a lot of that protectiveness came from tsuno's death, but he's definitely truly fond of wada as a person too.
maybe if wada manages to willingly open up to hiroaki, then i will be able to say with certainty that he loves him.
for the end, i want to talk about [quick check] because it's been driving me bonkers. it's such a weird episode.
in it, wada comes across hiroaki, who checks up on him. and wada, eh...he doesn't really want to elaborate on his mental or overall state, but it seems like he still REALLY wants to have a low-stakes conversation with him. then he asks hiroaki a bunch of questions, which is amazing because he hardly ever asks anyone anything. he's trying really hard here. now this i know is a reach, but when he said like "omg i forgot, ken's waiting for me in my room, i just came here for water"....to me, it sounded a little like he wanted hiroaki to stop him?? to say something like "you're hanging out with hasezawa? that boring old nerd? no way, hang out here with me!" i have nothing to support that claim, it's just funny. but either way, what i'm sure of, just like his every other question, it was meant to act as a springboard for eliciting a sort of response from hiroaki that would get things rolling. buut, instead, all that wada gets are monosyllabic and dry answers...which is sad. at the end, he still waits a few seconds in silence to see whether hiroaki would engage him on his own, but nope. he just wasn't in the mood.
i might be misinterpreting it, but it would make sense with how much wada likes hiroaki. either way, it felt weird as hell... there's just something about it. if this episode turns out to be not in any way relevant to the plot later on i'll eat my hat.
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mai's trial art came out, and...it's beautiful. she is beautiful. not only because of her appearance, but there's always been a beauty to her strength, forged from the unimaginable pain she experienced. but even though she was stronger than anyone else, she was never invulnerable.
in her trial art, mai is crying. her eyebrows are pinched, her jaw is clenched, she's trying hard not to let her face scrunch up even more. out of every victim, she's the only one who's crying. she's devastated and in pain. she's not at peace.
a few days ago, i was watching bubbles' chap 5 stream, and seeing mai trying to shoulder much more than she could carry, it finally, truly hit me, that she's really gone, forever. mai's dead. and some time after that, i came up to my window. it was late evening and the sky was a beautiful gradient, light blue, turquoise, and navy blue, fading into black. and i thought... mai is never going to see the sky after sunset again. she'll never breathe in the cool air during a nightly stakeout. she'll never feel the satisfaction of another successful hunt. never eat her parents' cooking and never cook for someone else. she will never bask in the warmth of the sun during a walk, ever again.
for no other reason than someone taking advantage of her weakness.
mai said that ojima should let people who love him help him. she couldn't understand why tamba wouldn't rely on her and kept calling her stupid for going off on her own. she was so wise when it came to others, but, she was always exempt from her own advice. she rebuffed shigeki's endless offers to help every single time. her foolhardiness and stubborness have been so frustrating to watch, but i can't really stay mad at her, not anymore. she had her reasons, and they were valid, even though they caused her to make choices that resulted in her doom.
her death was not her fault. everything she did was to protect the people she cared about. i can't blame her for that, or for anything else.
i just wish she had realized she's not invincible. that during this specific moment of time, when she was injured and weakened, maybe she shouldn't risk it. that her safety was not any less important than everyone else's. i wish she had put her own wellbeing first.
shigeki told her he loved her, and yet, she didn't come back to him. i wish she'd allowed him to be by her side.
i just wish that she didn't have to go off alone.
"i don't regret anything. i promised to keep them alive, and they're still alive.
it can't be any of them, so it has to be me…i'm fine with that.
i'll be fine."
it was never fine. because in the end, she's crying.
Hasegawa Ken, a university student, is living the best life he could possibly ask for. He has a loving and supportive family, studies that challenge him, and gets to spend most of his days with his best friend and housemate, Kazutoshi. He wonders how he managed to get so lucky.
One day, he has a very disturbing dream.
Inspired by the College AU by the amazing @causeimcrayzeebee! 3k words, oneshot. Spoilers for the end of chapter 3 of Tetro Danganronpa Pink. Heavily implied Hasemura.
TW: heavy angst, self-injurious behaviour.
[ao3]
“Ken...”
“Keeen...”
“Ken. WAKE UP!”
“AUGGHHH!” Hasegawa shot up from his bed with an ear-piercing yell. His eyes darted around frantically, chest heaving, until his eyes settled on...
“Wow. Right in my ear.” Kamimura drawled, unsticking his hands from the sides of his head and smoothing out his ponytail.
“Ka...Kazuto...shi...” Hasegawa panted, tears rapidly filling his eyes and falling down.
At once, concern melted away the irritation on Kamimura's face. “Hey, you alright?” he asked softly, lightly touching Hasegawa's wet cheek with the back of his finger.
Hasegawa flinched away, squeezing his eyes shut and taking a few deep breaths. He slowly blinked them open, and looked around the room once more, through blurry eyes.
He was in a room...his room? Everywhere he looked, there were books and loose pieces of paper laying around. On his desk, the floor, spilling from the bookshelf. The walls, covered with paintings depicting marine life and a few awards, were a pleasant shade of baby blue.
Of course. It was his room, in the apartment he bought for himself and Kamimura, for university.
“Oh...” his shoulders sagged, and he rubbed his face roughly. “I had...such a messed up dream...”
“I can see that. It's late, you can tell me about it at breakfast, come on.” Kamimura said, ushering him out of bed.
Hasegawa followed him dazedly. Passing by the desk, he noticed a few photo frames standing in the corner. In one, there was his mom, Mao, himself, and Kamimura sitting around a table with fancy looking dishes on it. In another, there was just him and Kamimura standing in front of a tall, modern building, consisting mostly of glass. In the photo, Hasegawa is smiling, looking down at Kamimura, who is looking straight at the camera with a proud smile. Hasegawa looked away.
“Breakfast?” he blinked. “Ah...you didn't have to...”
“I know. I wanted to. I know you stayed up until, like, 3AM today, so you wouldn't be able to make it anyway. I had to save our kitchen from burning down.” Kamimura smiled cheekily.
Oh, yeah. He had to work on his assignments for university, so he stayed up late.
Hasegawa's cheeks burned. “Hey, I'm not that bad!”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. I like your cooking.” Kamimura bumped Hasegawa's elbow with his own.
They got to the living room, where two bowls were on the table, emanating a pleasant smell of miso.
“Ooh...that smells really good. And it's with edamame, too.” Hasegawa sat down and clapped his hands. “Thank you for the meal.” he said, Kamimura echoing him.
He put the spoon in his mouth, and the rich flavour put a smile on his face. The cooking lessons they were taking together were starting to pay off.
“So, what are your plans for today?” Hasegawa asked, dipping into his bowl.
“Uh... Just meeting up with my supervisor. Might also swing by the lab later. You know I like this stuff, but the analytical chapter's been really kicking my ass.” Kamimura responded with a dry tone, focused on slowly eating his meal.
“Tell me about it...” Hasegawa groaned, hanging his head. “I had to finish two huge book reports yesterday...”
“Uh-huh, is mighty Ken having problems at school for the first time in his life? Now you know what it's like for the rest of us plebeians.” Kamimura teased, making Hasegawa chuckle.
“Plebeians? Says the guy taking advanced forensic chemistry courses!”
“Oh yeah, no, I'm suuuuper smart, thanks. Basically, they should just give me the degree already. Maybe also throw in a Nobel Prize.”
Hasegawa snickered. “O-oh, yeah? What would it even be for?”
“Uh,” Kamimura thought, "I dunno, for revolutionizing the entire field of chemistry as we know it? They should give me a bazillion yen too while we're at it.”
“We really don't need that...We already have way too much money.”
“No, you have too much money. I'm like...a freeloader. Some guy living in your house.”
“You're not a freeloader! You do a lot around here, uh...You made us breakfast?”
“Oh gee, then my status has increased to live-in cook, amazing.”
“That's not—!” Hasegawa tried to interject, while Kamimura laughed, in that bright, airy way he always does.
Hasegawa joined in.
After they calmed down, Hasegawa caught Kamimura's eyes. “But, really...You're doing great, Kazutoshi. You're gonna knock them dead with your research.”
“Eh...I wouldn't go that far...But...Thanks.” Kamimura responded, smiling softly into his soup. They continued eating in comfortable silence.
“Soooo...do you wanna talk to me about that dream you had?” Kamimura asked nonchalantly, not looking up from his bowl.
Hasegawa's spoon stilled in front of his mouth, his earlier mirth evaporating into mist. He set the spoon back on the table. “I, uh...I don't...know? I...I don't even want to think about it, really...” he mumbled. “Most of it is already a blur anyway.”
Kamimura hummed, pursing his lips. “I mean...Sure, but, you didn't see yourself, Ken. Your face...you looked terrified. Like, really terrified.”
Hasegawa took a deep breath and closed his eyes, forcing himself to think back to his dream. The only things he can remember are flashes...of darkness, ever-present cold...and blood. So much blood, everywhere. The stench was overwhelming, and every time he took a breath he could feel it stuck in his nose- and he- and Kazutoshi-
Shivering, he shook his head, trying to get rid of the sensation. It wasn't real. It was just a nightmare. “Ma-maybe later...”
“Mhm. Okay. Just...y'know that, I'm here for you, yeah? You don't have to bottle that shit up. I...care about you, Ken.”
For a reason he didn't know, Hasegawa was awestruck. He wanted to cry again. He swallowed the urge and simply smiled back. “Yeah. You too. Thank you, Kazutoshi.”
“Yeah...Anytime.”
After they'd finished breakfast and Hasegawa cleaned the dishes, the two of them started preparing for their day. Hasegawa's classes were first, while Kamimura had his meeting later during the afternoon.
Hasegawa slipped on his shoes, and stepped out of the door, looking back at Kamimura. “Well...see you later, Kazutoshi.”
Kamimura nodded. “Wait. You forgot something. C'mere for a sec.” Kamimura gestured, beckoning for him to lean down. Hasegawa complied, bemused.
He got pulled down the rest of the way with a tug on his sleeve, and then Kamimura placed a soft kiss on his cheek. Hasegawa's face instantly erupted into flames, his hand flying up to press on the exact spot. “...Wh-wha..!”
“What?” Kamimura said casually, his cheeks dusted pink. “You can't give your homie a goodbye kiss on the cheek anymore? Damn, Ken. Keep up.”
Hasegawa sighed, tension melting from his body. “...Please don't say that word ever again. It sounds so wrong.” and yet, he couldn't help but smile.
“What, 'homie'? I can say whatever I want. Like...go hit the gym, bro. Work on these noodle arms!”
“Stooop...” Hasegawa whined, giggling into his hand. “And you know I work out!”
“Whatever. Just go already.”
“Sure.” Hasegawa said, an easy 'I'm off' falling from his lips as he slipped out of the door, closing it behind him. He walked a few steps further into the hallway and put his face in his hands, letting out a muffled groan.
He shook it off, walked into the elevator, and once inside, he pumped his fist with a quiet, “Yes!”
He made his way towards campus. His steps were so light he was almost skipping, smiling so wide his cheeks hurt. It was going to be a great day.
-------------------------------------------------
Later, in the early evening, Hasegawa got back home from his classes. He'd stopped by the store on the way, buying groceries for the next few days. He set his heavy bags on the counter with a sigh.
He looked around the apartment. Kamimura wasn't there, so.. He must be at the lab. So Hasegawa might as well do some chores in the meantime, instead of waiting.
Cleaning the apartment was a task that was done by Kamimura, typically. That involves mopping, vacuuming, dusting...Hasegawa tried to help at first, but he just can't do it as well as him. When his friend is indisposed, though, he does his best. And Hasegawa does try to clean his room regularly for both of their sakes, so it's not that bad...mostly...
He has other tasks to that fall to him, anyway. He monitors both of their medication, making sure they're refilled on time, he keeps track of the appointments, makes plans whenever they go out somewhere, restocks the fridge and essential items, he cooks, most of the time-they take turns- and...he does the laundry.
He went to the bathroom, and saw that the laundry basket was almost full. He dumped it out. Something caught his eye- laying there in the pile was Kamimura's favourite sweater, that Hasegawa got him on his birthday. He wears it often.
It was a dark navy colour, and made of cashmere, as soft as he could find it. Hasegawa had cut off all the tags before giving it to Kamimura, and when asked about the price, he said 'not that much, really', stammering all the way.
Kamimura dropped the matter, probably just not feeling like calling him out on his obvious lie. Still...if he knew how much it cost, Hasegawa'd never hear the end of it.
Hasegawa rubbed the fabric between his fingers, looking down at the sweater with soft eyes.
Seeing that smile on Kamimura's face was worth any amount of money.
He smoothed it out, and set it aside for later. He always hand-washes this one.
He put the dirty laundry in the washing machine and turned it on. Kamimura still wasn't home. He decided to go make them some dinner. Something simple. He was kind of tired.
He took out a pot, poured water into it from their filtering pitcher, and turned on the stove. He yawned. He was way too tired to soak in the bath today...Maybe he'll just take a nice hot shower later...
Hasegawa was thrown out of his thoughts by the sound of his phone ringing. He answered it without looking.
“Hey, Ken....Can you, uh...come get me?” Kamimura sounded out, his voice quiet and speaking slower than usual.
Hasegawa straightened out, immediately on high alert. “What happened? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I'm fine,” a terse, staticky sigh was heard through the receiver. “I just...don't want to walk back by myself. I'm in front of the chem building.”
“O-okay. I'm coming. Hang on tight.” Hasegawa said, and when Kamimura hung up, he all but booked it out of the apartment, turning the stove off first, and pausing only to slip on his shoes. He forced himself to slow down slightly, feeling anxiety creep in from his stomach, up and outwards, starting to shake him from head to toe.
He didn't know where it was coming from. Kamimura said he was fine. He didn't sound all that bad too.
Hasegawa wished he could just will this horrible dread away.
Fortunately, the campus was situated rather close to their apartment. After 11 minutes, he was in front of the chemistry building, and upon seeing Kamimura sitting on the bench nearby, he almost melted with relief.
He walked up to him, briefly pausing to catch his breath.
“Shit, Ken, you didn't need to run.” Kamimura blinked.
“I...know...What's...up?” Hasegawa panted out, and then straightened with a groan.
“I'm...I'm okay. Or, eh, I don't know. I just probably ate something bad, or...y'know.”
“Alright...I-If you say so.” Hasegawa said, remaining on his guard either way. He couldn't help it. He was always worried about something.
Plus...If he was really fine, then why would he call? Kamimura knew his limits. He wouldn't just call for him for no reason. It wasn't adding up.
Kamimura stood up from the bench, and swayed slightly in place.
Hasegawa reached out his hand, stilling, before lightly touching Kamimura's shoulder. “A-are you sure you're alright?”
Kamimura rubbed his forehead. “Ye-yeah...I'm fine. Just...feeling dizzy. Let's just go home. I just need to lie down in my bed.”
Hasegawa nodded, and both men started walking back, step by step. Hasegawa tried to stick close, but took care not to crowd him.
They walked in silence. When Hasegawa glanced at him from the corner of his eye, Kamimura looked tired, his expression somber, looking straight ahead. It didn't seem like he was in the mood to talk anyway.
Lost in his thoughts, he almost didn't notice Kamimura stumbling. He managed to catch him by the elbow, and steadied him. “C-careful!”
“H-huh? Oh...Yeah...” Kamimura mumbled, sluggishly raising his arms and looping them around Hasegawa's own, clutching it.
Hasegawa bit the inside of his cheek. If Kamimura willingly leaned on him for support, without any complaint and attempts at saving face, it must be bad bad.
He observed him more intently, going through a mental checklist of his symptoms. Tiredness, dizziness, sluggishness, confusion, drowsiness, impaired breathing, general weakness. Still, this is only from what he could see externally. A flare-up?
“Kazutoshi...” he started, as calmly as he could. “Maybe...we could go to a hospital, just in case...”
Kamimura flinched.
“N-no...I just...wanna go home....”
“Kazutoshi—”
“Fucking hell- please, Ken...Please. Just let me g-go home...”
His voice sounded so rough, it made Hasegawa's heart clench. The taller man pursed his lips, and said nothing. He breathed, in and out.
They'd need to get some stuff from home either way. He relented.
But it didn't feel right. Something was wrong. Really wrong.
They walked the rest of the way in silence. Kamimura leaned on him the whole time, eyes half-closed in a daze. Hasegawa wanted to enjoy Kamimura's weight on his arm, the warmth emanating from his body, like he normally would. But it was overshadowed by a cloying miasma of worry.
Finally getting to the front entrance of their apartment complex, Hasegawa pulled him into the hallway, and pushed the button to open the elevator. They stepped inside.
Standing in silence, Hasegawa heard Kamimura shift, and then felt a weight on his shoulder. Kamimura leaned his head against him.
Despite everything, Hasegawa felt his heart flutter, warmth flooding his face. He breathed in, shakily.
They...didn't really...talk about what they are, to each other? He knows Kamimura is the best friend he's ever had. With him, his days are filled with laughter, easy banter, discussions about everything and anything. He's been more comfortable with him than anyone he's ever met, outside of his family.
It's not always easy. There are days when Kamimura shuts himself in his room and doesn't come out. When he feels awful, physically and mentally, and lashes out. Hasegawa hides away too, occasionally, when everything just gets too much. Their lives aren't free of struggle and pain, but still, Hasegawa wouldn't give it up for anything.
And...sometimes...things happen, and it makes him wonder.
Well, they did...cuddle, the other day. And the thing from this morning, too...Still, he can't be sure. If he's not the one initiating the conversation, Kamimura doesn't really want to talk about sensitive topics. And Hasegawa is...scared. Scared that it would be awkward, that he would come on too strong, that Kamimura wouldn't feel the same and he would pull away and and-
...He doesn't want to lose this. Lose him. He wants anything but that.
Still. He still hopes, that...maybe...
Hasegawa sighed, and shifted, nuzzling his cheek on the top of Kamimura's head. His hair was so soft. He smelled really nice. So fresh and light, like ocean breeze.
Even if they never talked about it, Hasegawa wouldn't change a thing. He was still satisfied. Just getting to be next to him...was more than enough. He was lucky. So, so lucky to have this.
His heart felt so full.
“Hey... Don't fall asleep,” he whispered.
Kamimura jerked awake, his breath hitching. His eyes shifted around the elevator. He furrowed his brow, and his expression turned grim. “Yeah. Right,” he said flatly, but while at least looking more alert than before.
They arrived at their floor. Kamimura's hand tightened on his arm.
“You couldn't have known this would happen, Ken. Don't blame yourself.”
“...Huh?”
Outside the elevator, Kamimura let go of Hasegawa's elbow and went on ahead. Hasegawa was rooted to the spot. His feet wouldn't move.
He blinked, and the shorter man had already opened the door, having walked halfway through it.
Kamimura looked back at him. He opened his mouth, and sighed.
“Ken...I...”
Then he smiled, looking so sad and so tender that it took Hasegawa's breath away.
“Thank you. You know. For being there.
“I'm glad that at least... we were able to meet each other in that hellhole.
“...You were really the only one who made it bearable, anyway.”
He waved his hand.
“Seeya.”
Hasegawa blinked, his mouth opening.
“Wha-huh? Kazutoshi, wai—”
Hasegawa reached out his hand, just as Kamimura's image slipped away, the door closing behind him with a bang.
With his legs working again, Hasegawa stumbled to the door, and grabbed at the handle frantically.
“Kazutoshi! H-hey! Wh-what are you do-doing? Open the door!”
He pulled at it, to no avail. He didn't understand what was happening. Everything was fine one second, and the next, Kamimura was just gone.
With shaking hands, he took out the key from his pocket and tried one, two, three times before he managed to put it in the keyhole, and turned it.
He pulled at the handle, and threw the door open.
“Kazuto—”
Blood.
So much blood.
On the floor. On the shelves.
Coating every inch of the small space.
And in the middle, there was a chair, where a small, decapicated body of Kazutoshi was sitting, quiet and still.
It was still cold in the art supply room.
Hasegawa screamed.
He wakes up, a loud cry tearing out of his throat. The blanket falls to the floor in a heap.
Panting, he glances at the other side of his bed. It's empty.
No- no-
Oh god-
Kazutoshi- he- he was- he is-
Immediately, he falls into heaving sobs, his hands flying up to clutch at his face. His throat constricts, and he coughs. He swallows roughly, pushing the bile down.
“Oh god, please no, please no, no more, please...,” he wails. “No, no, no, nononononoNO!”
Images and sounds flash through his mind on repeat.
The mangled body, they cut out his tongue, they gutted him, the horrible gloating, the laughter-
He brings his hand up, curled into a fist, and lands a blow on the side of his head, once. Twice. It's not working.
He screams again and then swerves his body to the side wall, banging the top of his head on it hard.
“AGHH! FUCK!”
The pain shocks him enough to make the panic recede, but only slightly. He covers his face and breathes loudly, groaning into his arm. “Mmmh....mmghh...”
He feels like he's dying. He might as well be.
He whimpers and clenches fistfuls of hair in his hands. He feels nauseous, his head aches like crazy, he's soaked with sweat, he has no meds and he can't take it anymore.
He can't take it anymore.
For no fucking reason at all...!
If only he didn't...Why did he...
Why didn't he stay with him?
Hasegawa curls up into himself, bringing his knees to his chest.
He thinks about his mom. Dad. Mao. Reina.
Kazutoshi.
He wants to go home. He just wants to go home.
He starts mumbling into his arms, voice hoarse, muffled by the fabric.
i'm just going to say it now. i NEED grief-stricken ken to go to wada and ask him to mimic kamimura's voice. i need it like nothing else. it would tick all the boxes:
✓ wada and ken episode. kamimura and ken were shooting the shit out of him all the time, there is a connection.
✓ ken crash out. him being just gone on day 27 after everything that's happened makes me worried about his mental state.
✓ wada finally making use of his talent again, during a perfect motive, without having to use it to ~commit a murder~.
✓ hearing kamimura's voice again. idc if it's fake.
i need it SO badly.... i imagined what the title would be, i imagined the thumbnail, it's so vivid....i neeed it to exist....manifesting!!! 🕯 🙏🕯 🙏🕯🙏 🕯
