#blackiphoneresponse

It may seem to you that this post is contradicting itself, saying first that by equating the first part with black culture, you are being racist, and then turning around and saying this thing that allegedly isn't black culture is being ridiculed because it is in fact "black culture" and being ridiculed because it isn't white culture and then once more calling you racist. So I'll try to put this in a way that your head can wrap around:

With this joke you have denied the individuality and differences that crop up in the millions of unique blacks that live within the United States, deciding that one image and one image only is an accurate representation of who we--the individuals--are. And many of us have been assimilated, have agreed to this idea that somehow what our ancestors built is inferior so that we become angry and ashamed when this image is pressed onto us. You have successfully wounded us in two ways: you deny our separate personhood and you tell us to be ashamed.

I do not talk or behave like "Bonquishaniqua," the fake, black iphone, but I refuse to be ashamed of anyone who does. So if you still think this is funny: kindly go fuck yourself.

Missed a part? Want to reread something or skip ahead. Please go through the table of contents below:

Introduction

Part I: LOL, Black People Talk Funny

Part II: LOL, Black Women Have Attitudes

Part III: LOL, Black People Have Funny Names

Part IV: Why Can't Black People Just Behave Themselves?

Building What Was Stolen

Building What Was Denied

Taking Pride in Our Past

"Equality" was given to us with a price: erase everything that you are.

Our ability to be seen as legitimate human beings, upstanding citizens, and worthwhile individuals is completely contingent on whether or not we decide to agree with the idea that everything our ancestors struggled through, built, and became is puerile, perverse, inferior, and shameful. But by this time we'd already built our own separate, beautiful, and wonderful culture and a big part of that had instilled us with resilience, stubbornness, and an ideology that was centered on family. So we stubbornly resolved to celebrate the hardships, hardwork, and resilience of our ancestors--our family--and keep on being who we are. And we have been punished ever since, for daring to not be ashamed of what makes us different and makes us beautiful.

Conclusion: Just in Cased You Were Confused

Missed a part? Want to reread something or skip ahead. Please go through the table of contents below:

Introduction

Part I: LOL, Black People Talk Funny

Part II: LOL, Black Women Have Attitudes

Part III: LOL, Black People Have Funny Names

Part IV: Why Can't Black People Just Behave Themselves?

Building What Was Stolen

Building What Was Denied

Taking Pride in Our Past

For literally 100's of years, we weren't allowed to assimilate

We were denied the right to read, "educated" with only the things the master wanted us to learn (read: our inherent inferiority), and were denied such basic cultural luxuries as marriage, say-so in what happened to our children, or even the slightest semblance that we had control over anything happening in our lives. When slavery ended, we could not go to the same schools as majority culture, work the same jobs, walk on the same sidewalk. You couldn't even say, 'Hi' to a white woman without getting beaten to death and thrown into a river like a piece of trash.

No wonder we developed a separate culture: different opinions of what is and isn't important, alternative speech patterns and behaviors, concepts of how to name our children (let's not forget that was once a luxury denied us). What else were we supposed to do? Sit around like idiots, waiting for white people to dribble down scraps of culture and agree to let us use it?

Reason 3:Taking Pride in Our Past

Missed a part? Want to reread something or skip ahead. Please go through the table of contents below:

Introduction

Part I: LOL, Black People Talk Funny

Part II: LOL, Black Women Have Attitudes

Part III: LOL, Black People Have Funny Names

Part IV: Why Can't Black People Just Behave Themselves?

Building What Was Stolen

Building What Was Denied

Taking Pride in Our Past

We were forcibly removed from our own heritage.

Unlike other nonative populations of the United States we were not given a choice as to whether we wanted to be here and were additionally denied any voice in developing what would become the initial overarching ideologies that would shape culture and society in this country. On top of that we, as a people, have had to develop a new culture unique to us as the racially and tribally mixed and thus unanchored descendents of slaves that we are. We have not done so out of a need to separate ourselves from white people--though that is a small part of it, given that we afterall carry additional baggage--but because without this all we truly have is slavery, civil rights and struggle--a painful and distorted history. All we want is to be able to speak a common cultural language amongst ourselves the same way Mexican Americans, Brazilian Americans, Korean Americans, and, yes, even white Americans can.

We, just like everyone else, want something with which we can celebrate our uniqueness. I would be crazy to say that this is a conscious reasoning for why so many of us refuse to be good little "Americans" who adopt the acceptable patterns of behavior and desire. Still it isn't 100% subconscious either.

Reason 2: Build What Was Denied

Missed a part? Want to reread something or skip ahead. Please go through the table of contents below:

Introduction

Part I: LOL, Black People Talk Funny

Part II: LOL, Black Women Have Attitudes

Part III: LOL, Black People Have Funny Names

Part IV: Why Can't Black People Just Behave Themselves?

Building What Was Stolen

Building What Was Denied

Taking Pride in Our Past

This is not explicit in the joke, this question of why blacks can't behave themselves. All the things I said about why it's offensive--speech patterns, attitude, name issues, dependence on stereotypes--are blatant, even if a few people could not or didn't care to recognize the issues with this. But this one, this is something that I don't see being acknowledged often enough, this is the part of the conversation that often gets derailed.

These stereotypes were not created for the sake of future jokes and not because they're true and realistic. They came to life from a simple contempt for black culture, a need to reiterate over and over again that those in power, the majority, aka acceptable culture are baffled and angered by the staunch unwillingness of many in the black community to assimilate.

That's right, this is a question of assimilation, a way to ridicule and shame those who do not follow the dominate (read: white) norms the way that they are supposed to. Rather than accept these differences and acknowledge that they have no relevant bearing on a person's intelligence, contributions to society, or worth, they have been adopted for the persistent and disgusting ridicule of everyone.

The sad thing is that this anger denies three very real and important reasons as to why assimilation is neither possible for nor accepted among so many blacks.

First up: Reason 1: Building What was Stolen

Missed a part? Want to reread something or skip ahead. Please go through the table of contents below:

Introduction

Part I: LOL, Black People Talk Funny

Part II: LOL, Black Women Have Attitudes

Part III: LOL, Black People Have Funny Names

Part IV: Why Can't Black People Just Behave Themselves?

Building What Was Stolen

Building What Was Denied

Taking Pride in Our Past

I'll admit it. My parents gifted my sister and I with uncommon names (I do know of three other people with the same as myself, my sister's has heretofore remained unique). Both of them have Anglican names by the way, as did their parents (my grandparents), but elected to name the two of us something different, because my mother--who grew up with an upsettingly common one-- decided she didn't want her daughters to turn around every time a person called their name only to realize no one was talking to them. I'm not being an apologist here, I love the hell out of the name I was gifted with. I think it's gorgeous and no one can tell me different.

And yet it is quite common and acceptable to pick on blacks because their names were made up on the fly by their parents. And that was made blatantly obvious in this joke. Y'all ain't just laughing at Bonquishaniqua's speech or her attitude, you're laughing at that "dumbfuck, godawful name." Lol, black people name their children the wierdest, ugliest things.

Let's be fair. Anyone that has something that isn't part of the common and acceptable American tableau of names will often be picked on. Rasheed, Iwan, and Jesus may be acceptable and quite common in other countries, but the moment you bring that to the US, someone blows a gasket and tells the poor kid to go back home to his own country. Unfortunately, this ignorance takes us off-topic and I can't address it here, except to acknowledge that issues with "black" names stem from something larger than conceptualizations of blackness.

Yes, blacks do have the tendency of giving their children "odd" names. And I could throw up the same "not all and not exclusive" argument one more time, but honestly this one feels way too obvious to have to explain to anybody. I'll indulge for the people who wish to play dense, however.

You are laughing not only at our names, at our parents' right to create and beholden us unique, and the beauty that arises from all of that (utilizing some unwieldy revision of Shaniqua, no less), but you are making fun of a tradition, an adventure in revolution, a way to try to reimagine and make up a cultural tapestry that was stolen from us the moment those first ships completed Middle Passage.

Actually, this brings me quite nicely to my next point, which is probably gonna be the place where I lose some of you for a bit. Just bear with me, it'll all make sense in the end. You see the problem with this joke runs so much deeper than its dependence on stereotype or a cruel attack on black identity but also subtlely asks--as it seems all racially motivated jokes do: Why, Can't Black People Just Behave Themselves?

Missed a part? Want to reread something or skip ahead. Please go through the table of contents below:

Introduction

Part I: LOL, Black People Talk Funny

Part II: LOL, Black Women Have Attitudes

Part III: LOL, Black People Have Funny Names

Part IV: Why Can't Black People Just Behave Themselves?

Building What Was Stolen

Building What Was Denied

Taking Pride in Our Past

Yes, it seems to be a well-known and widely accepted fact that black women lack restraint, shame, and all manner of self-control. They will tell you when you've stepped wrong. Every second of the day, they speak up with the same no-nonsense, carefree, aggressive, tough-as-nails attitude. No one ever emotionally abuses, hits, rapes, or murders black women because, of course, the attitude is not merely reactive, it's all the time, and no one ever wants to face that.

It is a well-known fact, that all other women of all other races are submissive, happy to oblige your will, soft spoken, sweet little angels. They are constantly sacrificing themselves for the greater good, they are happy to do their job--whatever it may be--with a smile on their face, and a polite tone no matter how you treat them. They get taken advantage of all the time because of it.

Btw, if you agree with any of the above garbage, you should leave now-- you're a lost cause, and nothing I can say will make you see reason. Thanks for trying, I suppose...

I'm going to try my list one more time. Michelle Obama, K. Michelle, Halle Berry, Missy Elliot, Oprah Winfrey, Mo'Nique, Kerry Washington, and Beyonce. Perhaps you'll disagree with me on this one--black women are often accused of having an attitude when they're not even angry (I speak from personal experience)--but hopefully you won't. Look at all of these women, even ones you may have elected to think of as Bonquishaniqua-esque. Imagine her saying what this imaginary character has said, in her own words. Does she have an attitude, that attitude, the one that is associated with black women?

You should be saying no. A lot. You should go through this list, and perhaps you can accuse each one of these women of having some sort of "attitude" (I'd heartily disagree), but you cannot likely say it's the same one that the "black" iPhone apparently would present.

Once again we go through the same back and forth. "Of course, not all black women have that attitude, or even an attitude. I know some very nice, quiet girls that need a little help making their voices heard. But I also know plenty of black girls and women who act just like that joke. So stop being so sensitive. The creator isn't saying that all black women act like this, and s/he ain't even trying to make fun of black women in general. It's just a certain kind, okay? Sheesh lighten up. If this joke ain't about you, then stop acting all butthurt."

Perhaps the creator wasn't suggesting all black women are no-nonsense and aggressive, perhaps s/he was making fun of only a certain kind. But, that doesn't change the facts. Just like my previous argument: the attitude is not enacted by all black women and it is not exclusive to the ones who do behave in this manner. This could still be the midwestern girl from the 'burbs, the Chinese lady in Wal-mart. This could be a really annoyed gay white man or an upper class straight white man disgruntled with his wife.

And yet it was attributed to a black woman. The joke only works if it's attributed to a black woman. If it had been a yellow iPhone (please know I'm shuddering as I type this, please forgive my inability to use nonracist examples), it wouldn't make sense to say "Nuh uh, boo boo, my name is Yamimoto. If you wanna talk to Siri you betta getcho self a white phone!" the joke would fail on delivery.

Can you understand what I'm saying? The problem is that a stereotype was invoked, that these "standard" black behaviors are inextricable from the joke, that even if you inherently know that not all and not only black people speak or behave this way you still equate this manner of speech and behavior with blackness, and even if it's not specifically directed at "white-talking," quiet, sweet little old me, I am still involved solely because I am black, and this is your conceptualization of what that means.

No, but--you might wanna say. But let's be honest. This is what makes the joke funny to you, because this is what being black allegedly means.

And another thing, really "Bonquishaniqua?" LOL, Black People Have Funny Names

Missed a part? Want to reread something or skip ahead. Please go through the table of contents below:

Introduction

Part I: LOL, Black People Talk Funny

Part II: LOL, Black Women Have Attitudes

Part III: LOL, Black People Have Funny Names

Part IV: Why Can't Black People Just Behave Themselves?

Building What Was Stolen

Building What Was Denied

Taking Pride in Our Past

What if the black iPhones had a different voice. 'Nuh uh boo boo, my name is Bonquishaniqua if you wanna talk to Siri you betta getcho self a white phone!

As much as the writer in me wants to go over the poor grammar in the above quotation, the human being in me knows we should stay on topic (besides, there's probably a few typos hidden amidst my most recent posts since I'm not really bothering to care right now). So let's proceed.

It starts off innocently enough, positing a question about a different voice. Little do we know, this different voice isn't just a different timbre or cadence, but different way of speaking altogether. And this way of speech is not equated with trying something new, but rather with how a black person speaks.

Michelle Obama, Missy Elliot, Kerry Washington, K. Michelle. These are a few famous American women that also identify as black. Beyonce, Halle Berry, Mo'Nique, Oprah Winfrey. Oh look at that, I just listed a few more. Notice anything about these particular names (assuming you know all, most or even some of them)? Such a tiny list, 8 names long, and yet so diverse. After all, how many of these women sound like Bonquishaniqua? How many speak exactly the same as each other, even?

Argue with me, tell me that you already know that not all black women or men or genderqueers actually talk like that. In fact, your closest friend--who just so happens to be black--sounds soooooo white when he tries to say stuff like that. Tell me that "proper" English is white. Tell me that, please?

Then tell me, "But the whole point of the joke is that she's black, right. And if she used proper English and talked like a white person, no one would get it, see? It's not trying to be racist, it's just being funny, duh!"

Remind me that there aren't white kids walking around saying, "What up, homie?" as naturally as if it were their own speech pattern. Tell me that I don't hear white girls saying, "Hey, wanna go shopping?" or "Girl, you look great in that!" Remind me that all of those slang terms, while not used by every single black person in America all day everyday, is still exclusively used by a black populace.

You can't can you? So is the black iPhone really black? Or did some young, white girl from the midwest say it? Perhaps a Dominican chick from Spanish Harlem? Or even the Chinese lady at Wal-mart? After all, slang isn't exclusively black, nor is it exclusively spoken by us.

But of course, you'll argue, that the whole point of it isn't the words she uses. Yeah, nonblacks use those words in their daily venacular. But really, a white girl from the midwest? Even if those words are natural to her, she'd never say that. I mean, the attitude says it all.

Of course, it can't be racist. Everyone knows that black women have attitudes. Oh wait, why don't we move on to: LOL, Black Women Have Attitudes

Missed a part? Want to reread something or skip ahead. Please go through the table of contents below:

Introduction

Part I: LOL, Black People Talk Funny

Part II: LOL, Black Women Have Attitudes

Part III: LOL, Black People Have Funny Names

Part IV: Why Can't Black People Just Behave Themselves?

Building What Was Stolen

Building What Was Denied

Taking Pride in Our Past