#blackinnonweek2021

And he looks… terrible, just like the photos in the Daily Prophet that she tried to avoid despite the fact they were everywhere. There is nothing of the man she once loved in the ghost that currently haunts her kitchen, except—

His grey eyes—pale and with dark circles under, gaunt and so scared—shine as he looks at her. A longing that shouldn’t be familiar and yet it is, as true as it was years ago, flourishes on her chest and she wants to hold on to him, to make this right somehow, to wake up from that strange dream…

But she is awake. And Sirius is dangerous, that’s the only truth she has ever received.

Marlene eyes her wand on the table. It’s closer to him, but he looks so thin that maybe she is faster? But then again, he was sharp enough to break out…

“Tea?” he asks, voice raspy and unused. “You always hated it.”

Marlene blinks. “Things change.”

“Oh, I know,” he whispers, his eyes moving over her face, taking in every detail. “I see.”

What does he see, Marlene wonders. Sometimes she looks in the mirror and she doesn’t think she aged a day. Other times she asks who is the woman staring back at her.

“You look beautiful,” Sirius adds and somehow this makes her laugh. It’s probably the insane kind of laugh that she learned from him ages ago, but Sirius only looks confused. “What’s wrong?”

“The most wanted criminal in the country just broke into my house to compliment me,” she says, drying the tears from her eyes. The mirth is gone. “You shouldn’t be here.”

He pauses. “Why?”

“There are two or three aurors watching me every step. They will probably be here anytime—”

“They don’t know I’m here,” he answers confidently. “And they won’t.”

“I could tell them,” Marlene says, narrowing her eyes.

“You could have warned them minutes ago.”

She could and they both know it. “I should,” she whispers, and suddenly she is twenty-one again, confused and lost after her family is gone and life as she knew broken, her best friend killed and Sirius…

“I missed you,” he says, standing up now, his fingers trembling even as he doesn’t move closer.

Fury and bitterness flood her. “No, you didn’t.”

“I—”

“I went to visit you. Twice, because I wasn’t stupid enough in the first time. And you refused to see me. You refused me.”

“I… What was there for you to see? I couldn’t have another good memory for them to suck—”

“It wasn’t about you,” she hisses, hating herself for keeping her voice down so it doesn’t attract any attention. “I just wanted answers!”

“I am innocent,” he says, sounding only broken. “I would have sworn it and… you wouldn’t believe it.”

“Then why—”

“I’d never betray James. You know that.”

It’s all Marlene has ever thought in the past twelve years. “All I know is that James is dead and so is Lily and Peter and—”

“No, it’s not like this, Peter…” He closes his fist, enraged and suddenly menacing. “He is alive and I’ll find him.”

“So you can kill him for real this time?”

“Yes,” he admits, not ashamed, and Marlene remembers it took a lot for Sirius to feel bashful about anything. “We changed the secret keeper. He betrayed them, Lene, not me.”

Lene. No one has called that like that in twelve years.

“Azkaban did make you crazy,” she whispers, shaking her head. “Crazier, actually. Pretending you—”

“Look at me and say you never questioned it. Say that you believe I really did all those things.”

“I…”

Marlene remembers waking up the first day of November and looking at the newspaper and not understanding anything. She remembers facing the dreadful journey to Azkaban only to be turned away.

The prisoner didn’t authorize any visit.

Did you tell him who it was? (Did you tell him it was Lene?)

Yes. He doesn’t want to see you.

“You’d have told me,” she says. One of those mornings or nights, when we laid in bed, catching our breaths, body still sore after we made love, you’d have told me. I held no secrets for you.

He looks sorrowful. “There is so much I never told you,” he admits, a note of guilt in his voice. “I am sorry, Lene.”

She closes her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose, and she hears soft footsteps. Her heart pumps in her chest but the touch she waits never comes; when she opens her eyes, the backdoor is open and there is no one with her.

She runs to her backyard, but other than a few dogs running in the street, Marlene doesn’t see anyone else.

Her wand waits for her on the table; he could have picked it, he could have done something, but all Sirius did was… look for her. I missed you.

She breathes slowly, remembering their meeting even as she tries to forget it, lock it away somewhere no one can take it from her. Then she grabs her coat and leaves the house, running quickly.

It’s no surprise that one of the aurors catches up with her; it’s the young woman with pink hair that came before to question her, and she looks almost apologetic to interrupt Marlene.

“Wotcher,” she says, winking. “Where are you going?”

“Back to the Ministry,” Marlene says, not stopping to answer; she is close to the alley now and those dogs seemed to be following them as well. “I want to check some old archives.”

“Oh.” The woman presses her lips for a moment. “You know I’ll need to report this later. Which files?”

Marlene quirked her eyebrow at him, “What are you talking about?” She had meant for it to come out as more of an accusation but their proximity was making her flush. It was more whisper.

“James pulled me aside after dinner and asked if knew why you were acting so weird. He seemed to be under the impression that I did something wrong. He pointed out how jumpy you’ve been around me, he’s say you seem nervous.”

Marlene tried to step away from him, she need to create space but Sirius just gripped her hand, holding her flush to his chest. Looking her dead in the eyes, “I’m inclined to agree with him. You’ve been avoiding me.”

“That’s ridiculous” Still not sounding as confident as she would have liked.

“See I don’t think it is. We always run together during practice and for some reason you were hauling ass like a hippogriff was chasing you. And then at dinner I sat down and suddenly you were stuffed but you had only taken two bites and I know Sheppard’s pie is your favourite. So.. what gives McKinnon?” He finally released her hand.

Marlene shoved him, not that he moved but more it pushed her back and she was happy for the space. “God you are so full of yourself.” It was nothing she hadn’t said to him before but this time there wasn’t a teasing tone. She words were sharp. “Have you ever thought that maybe it has nothing to do with you! Or maybe I’ve just grown up. We’re in 5th year Sirius. Maybe I don’t want to deal with your immature shit. Maybe I’ve just out grown you.”

Marlene didn’t know why she was being so harsh with him. It just seemed like the safe option. For a moment she say a flash of hurt cross his face. She knew she had sounded whiny and she was regretting responding in that way. Marlene looked to the ground with shame.

A slow smirk came across Sirius’ face “Bullshit.”

Marlene’s head snapped up, “What do you mean Bullshit??”

Sirius was still just smiling at her shocked face, “You heard me, McKinnon. I’m calling bull. shit.” Marlene just glared at the unfairly content boy. “Now, come on and tell me what’s really bugging you because I happen to know you were a big fan of my immaturity last week when I charmed Knott’s hair red and his food to run away from him.”

Sirius closed the gap between them, “You were such a fan, you had pumpkin juice squirting from that cute little nose of yours.” He gave said nose a little boop.

Marlene knew he was right, she really did have pumpkin juice coming from her nose. She looked up at him and blushed but she knew she needed to tell him the truth. She looked to the ground, unable to look at him while she said it.

“ihadasexdreamaboutyou” It was a mumble but it was the best she could give.

Sirius didn’t understand a word she had said, he raised one eyebrow, “what was that McKinnon?”

Marlene groaned, running her hands across her face, “I said, I had a.. a sex dream about you.” She peaked through her fingers.

Sirius let out a bark of a laugh, “Oh that is rich McKinnon” He swung an arm around her shoulder, “I knew even you couldn’t resist all this raw sexual energy.”

He was never going to let her live this down. She didn’t have to look at him to know he was smiling, his teasing voice was enough. “Tell me what was it that did it for you? Was it at practice, running with no shirt? Or was it when me and James took a dive in the lake last week. Or” He was having trouble getting his words out, he was cracking himself up, “or was it when I punched Roiser last week. Took him down with one hit ya know”

Marlene rolled her eyes at his antics but she honestly felt better that it was out there. Him teasing her was nothing out of the ordinary and she was ready for things to go back to normal between them. She shoved his side, “You’re such a prat you know that? …but if you must know it was last Tuesday.”

Sirius thought back to Tuesday. He didn’t remember anything significant happen that day.

“Tuesday?”

“Oh Merlin… you dolt. I can’t believe you’re making me explain this.” Marlene ran a hand across her face. She was still tucked under his arm. “I had over slept and missed breakfast so I was running to potions. And you being you, were just late for potions. Anyway I…” She was going to have to rush out this last part, “I came across you helping that little first year Slytherin boy who had no idea where the McGonagall’s class was. It was really sweet and that night I had the dream so there now you know and we can move on.”

Marlene pulled away from him but Sirius grabbed her wrist, “Wait, McKinnon. It’s fine, really it happens to us all. Although a little weird that’s what got you going but hey to each their own I guess.” Her face was beat red, she turned away from him again. He was still holding her wrist when he said with a shrug, “besides it’s not like I’ve never had one about you.”

“What?!” Marlene turned around at that.

“Yeah, loads of them honestly.”

“Oh”

Sirius rolled the bike out of the shed and turned the key, the sound of the engine revving moved through his entire body and it felt like the first breath he'd taken since he said he'd see her after summer hols.

He let the smell permeate him for a moment, flood his senses, and then he mounted his bike, cast an invisibility charm, and sped off into the air.

Sirius headed North, but he told himself it wasn't for her. He just fancied going North was all. Besides, he was too flooded with the air rushing him and the sound of the engine and finally feeling free to think on it.

The fact that he found himself at the McKinnon's home when he brought his bike back to the ground meant nothing.

He revved the engine, a game to see if she'd come out, because there was no way in hell he'd go up and knock on the door.

She appeared in the window, a smirk across her damned perfect lips and ice eyes sparkling like the light reflecting off of his bike, blinding.

"I get to see the bike?" Her black leather jacket already zipped up; boots laced up to her calves.

"Get on," he smirked, the desire to free himself from whatever hold she had over him gone; it's always gone once she's there, with him.

Her hands slipped around his waist and Sirius felt grounded as her body came to rest against his.

"Don't let go."

She scoffed at him, but her grip tightened; that's all he wanted.

Freedom. He'd been looking for it for more than a decade and he wasn't yet seventeen. But Sirius thought he might have finally found it as he took the bike up high enough to make his lungs burn and Marlene tighten her grip around his middle.

           Marlene had a romantic soul, and she couldn't help it. She dreamed of love. She wanted someone to love her, and she wanted to love someone. And damn it, but she dreamed about a romance just like in the books she read so often.

           Her mind told her that she should fall in love with someone nice who would respect her and who was always kind. A friend. Someone who had his own life in order and was rather trouble-free. Certainly not in a skirt chaser. But someone she could trust unconditionally and who she wouldn't have to be jealous of.

           But she had fallen in love with Sirius Black.

           Only her stupid heart could be to blame for that. Her mind didn't even notice when it happened until suddenly it was too late.

           At the very beginning, when they met, Marlene thought it was impossible for them to ever get along. Sirius was the kind of person she tried to avoid: pureblood, arrogant, overconfident and a womaniser. If it hadn't been for their mutual friends, they probably would never have voluntarily spent time together.

           And then they both joined the Order, and by accident (or rather terrible luck as Marlene thought at the time), she started renting a room in his house.

           The beginnings had been difficult. To be precise, very difficult. He pretended not to remember her name and often had outbursts of anger. She tried to pretend that she was not terrified by the whole situation as much as by the war going on around them.

           Eventually, bit by bit, Marlene began to discover the true face of Sirius Black.

           He was a pureblood, but he absolutely did not share the views of his family. Sirius didn't talk much about his childhood, but Marlene was able to piece together the clues and had some idea of what it was like.

           He was arrogant and overconfident. And he was absolutely terrified of it. On one hand, this behaviour served him as an armour so that no one would see through him. But on the other hand, he feared that it made him the same as his family.

           He was a womaniser. Sometimes she even happened to have breakfast with some girl he brought with him for the night. So when Sirius told her that he loved her, Marlene obviously didn't believe it. Especially since this declaration was made without any warnings. It took her the longest time to understand this side of Sirius. But in the end, she understood.

           At first, she assumed - hypothetically, of course - that he really was in love with her. And as she began to think about this hypothesis, it occurred to her that, after all, Sirius had no idea what love was! The people who were supposed to love him and teach him how to love others only hurt him and then stated that he was ungrateful.

           So, since Sirius didn't know what love was, these feelings (which hypothetically occurred) must have terrified him. Love overwhelmed him, and he had no idea what to do with it. And because Sirius was Sirius, so he chose the path of complete destruction.

           He chose it quite often.

           Sirius was the complete opposite of who Marlene should fall in love with. And yet, she fell head over heels in love with him.

           Why? She couldn't quite grasp it herself. After all, she hadn't had much experience with love either. And with actual romantic love, she had basically no experience at all. Even her first kiss had belonged to Sirius.

           Only a few seconds before it happened, Marlene wasn't sure of her feelings in the slightest. She had no idea what she actually felt for Sirius. She was so nervous like she had never been before. Marlene tried to put her thoughts together somehow, to follow her reason. But while looking into his grey eyes, which she had never seen so close before, she was unable to put together even one coherent thought. Their faces were so close that she could feel the warm air he exhaled on her cheeks.

           It was her first kiss, but her lips knew perfectly well what to do. Marlene remembers well that she thought then that a human being is probably already born with the knowledge of how to kiss others. And that kissing is, therefore, in some way, essential to life.

           She from then on definitely could not imagine her life without kissing Sirius.

           This feeling of happiness and this ever-growing need to be closer and closer to him, even though their lips were already directly adjacent to each other. Oh! And then, there was a nagging squeeze in the pit of her belly.

           This wasn't a gentle kiss. And it wasn't just their lips that were moving. Marlene's hands rode the back and neck of Sirius completely instinctively. She didn't even note the moment when her legs wrapped around his body, and he supported her with his solid arms.

           Everything was happening so smoothly that Marlene felt like she was made just for kissing Sirius. Until at one point, she felt his tongue slip into her mouth. The feeling was so strange and exciting at the same time that she gently gasped. Her body suddenly didn't automatically know what to do.

           But Sirius was patient. He guided her, and without using words, taught Marlene what she should do.

           Marlene had no idea how long their kiss lasted. When they finally broke apart, she was breathless and catching her oxygen greedily.

           And just as she hadn't been able to come up with a single coherent thought before that kiss, after it, she knew one thing almost immediately: she was madly in love with Sirius.

           Marlene McKinnon's first kiss belonged to Sirius Black.

           It was also their first kiss together.

           And Marlene knew that was terribly naive. And of course, it was unlikely. After all, they were young, and so much could still happen in life. She could still meet loads of other boys and experience first kisses with them.

           But then at that moment, seconds after they stopped kissing, and Sirius pointed his finger at the window behind her, and she saw a shooting star, Marlene had one wish.

           Her wish was that her first kiss with Sirius would also be for both of them their last first kiss ever.