Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #746
I woke up kinda late today (compared to 5am, anyhow...), to the tune of about 8:30am. And it was kind of a slow and uneventful morning from there. I did some dishes, sang a little for the first time in a while as I did it, fed my cats, fed myself, and breathed life into today's wishes:
Today, J was supposed to go see his sister, Sa, at the new house she bought. And J wanted to bring her a housewarming gift of some kind. So we went to a very small local furniture store:
And we looked around. And I found lots of pretty cool things (mostly stuff I thought you might think is nice, admittedly):
...But nothing really suitable for Sa's space.
Along the way, I smelled a wonderful smell and HAD to figure out what it was. So I followed my nose, until I came across... this!!
...You can bet your cute little booty that I got it!!!
From there, we went to Sa's house:
And it seemed like all of her friends were there. And... I don't really do crowds well, especially if the people in them are unfamiliar. Sa acknowledged us briefly, and then went back to the social task of entertaining her friends. So I placed my focus mainly on J; I know from knowing him that by doing this, he was diving head-first into a triggering situation, and from his general way of being this morning, I already knew he was already halfway to being in a bad place, internally. My role there wasn't so much to housewarm, as much as it was to support J, so I tried to remain vigilant and attentive to his needs.
So J unfolded a couple camping chairs for us, and we sat ourselves in a corner, away from the hubbub. But for some reason, one of Sa's friends who was already familiar with me (Ax) came away from the crowd to sit and talk with us, which... I didn't really understand because I tried being his friend over the internet once, a long time ago. But he has a habit of disappearing mid-conversation with absolutely no warning, or else doing a drive-by conversation starter β essentially, he'll send a thought-provoking message and then immediately leave, and then when I respond to it, he doesn't read it or respond to what I've written; it only gets marked as read the next time he does a drive-by conversation starter, and everything I wrote mostly goes unacknowledged. He'll occasionally respond to things I've written, but... it's a relatively rare thing. It'd trip the rejection sensitivity pretty hard, actually, if I wasn't already actively working on my own emotional regulation, and if I hadn't already mostly detached myself from the idea of being friends with Ax, to prevent myself from wondering what's wrong with me that makes him not see me as someone viable to talk to.
Meanwhile... J got triggered pretty hard in the space. Sa being... well... Sa, in so far as she has all this affection for her friends (who, based on what I've seen of them, are mostly snipey, vindictive, and unsupportive), but none for J (who does his best to listen actively to her and is able and eager to support her in whatever she does). Between that and being already hungry, somewhat emotionally unwell (worrying that he's a bad person for being interested in airplanes; this comes up a lot, actually, despite our reassurances, the poor thing...), and in a noisy, crowded space, his brain did an involuntary time travel to when he was a little boy, trying to earn affection from parents who didn't care for him, and from siblings who were (except for Daniel) too busy vying for their emotionally unavailable parents' attention to want anything to do with him. So in basically no time flat, J felt small, invisible, and unlovable.
...We exited the situation as soon as we could. And then we went to get pizza, to fix the fact that he was hungry:
...The food, of course, doesn't fix the fact that he was triggered into flashbacking. But... being properly nourished certainly helps us to deal with it, to process it, and to recover. At his request, we stopped at the grocery because he wanted burgers and we needed honey. And then we went home.
...M and J are now happily watching Stargate: Atlantis together. And the candle I got today is now exactly where it belongs:
...Or... mostly anyway. I know that the tiny figure isn't actually you, of course. I know that you're much, MUCH taller, haha. But still, it's... probably the closest I'll ever get to putting it where it belongs, in this lifetime. Unless by some small miracle, I see those super important people again and ask them to give it to you, and by some other small miracle, they actually do it.
...Did... did the locket I made for you and left with them ever get to you, like I asked them to do...? I can only imagine that I'll always be left wondering about that...
Well. Not much else to report today. It's somehow both been busy and relatively quiet. And I ought to be keeping an ear out for J, just in case he has more processing he needs to do. So... I suppose I'll stop writing now, in favor of being attentive to my surroundings.
Hey. Try really hard to be attentive to your surroundings, too. And try hard to be attentive to your own needs and internal sensations as well, so that you're not caught unawares by some unpleasant memory in an innocuous situation, all right? REBT helps immensely with these sorts of things, so I hope someday you'll give it a try.
I love you so much. Enough that I'll get a nice candle and hope that the scent somehow reaches you through my senses. Enough that I'll keep carrying my faith that you'll be safe out there. Enough that I'll have faith in your eventual return home.
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How I ate literally the first ever banana I've ever eaten ever and didn't hate it.
Well my day has been super weird. Has your day been this weird?
Today's adventure began yesterday, when we attempted to find the tourist information, got lost, found it, found it was shut, and decided the hostel would definitely be our best point of contact when booking the tour we were interested in. Oh, we were wrong. How we were wrong!
The lovely fella behind the desk assured us a tuk tuk (or something) could take us to the cave with the underground river in the morning, we just had to turn up at 8am and pay then. Great. Fine. Exactly what we wanted. So show up at 8am we did (or just after...), and it turns out our tuk tuk is a car and our guide is the lovely fella behind the desk. We went along with it, because to be fair his English was quite good and he was lovely.
So off we drove, heading out towards the hills and definitely following signs for the right cave. Except when we got there, our driver had a bit of a chat with the ladies setting up tourist stalls and told us we had to head back into the village to find an actual guide. Sure, that's the sort of thing a driver to tourist destinations wouldn't know in advance. Of course. But back into the village we went, where after a longer chat with the local village council (or gathering of men, I don't know), he said we could go ourselves, we just couldn't go through the cave because the boat was broken. OK, he's allowed that one, he didn't break the boat himself.
The walk to the cave was beautiful, over rickety bridges and through tree shaded paths, to the entrance of a truly stunning cave. The boat did indeed look quite broken, given that it was half submerged beneath the water, and the view from the opening is really quite impressive anyway. So we took some cool pictures and went back on our way. Lovely.
The second cave of the day was the Buddha cave, discovered in 2004 with a bunch of mysterious Buddha statues in it. Cool! Who doesn't love a bunch of mysterious Buddha statues half way up a mountain? We donned the ugliest skirts Laos could possibly choose as respectful national dress and poked our heads in. It's become a working temple again since its discovery, so the small space is crowded with worshippers, people selling offerings, and a full CCTV system. The lower cave is accessible by boat for 10000 kip, or one whole British pound, so we paid up and finally got our boat trip through a cave. Great! The day is going so well! Sure, things were a little confusing at first, but everything's coming up us!
Sorry, wrong. Throughout the morning, our charming little guide has been chatting about his friend Thomas, a German man who married a Lao girl and is now settled near the town. Would we like to pop in for lunch? Um... sure! We're open minded travellers, who don't mind doing things we're unprepared for. And there might be a party as well? Well, great. We love a party!
So through the streets we drive, back into the city and down a dirt track. As we approach, it turns out the German guy isn't there at all, and everyone's been drinking since 10.30am. Apparently it's the norm in Laos to go and give alms to the monks, give thanks for your friends, and then get blasted all day. We pull up outside, and by this point even our driver is beginning to look nervous. Is there a chance everyone's too drunk? (Yes.) So we sit in the car for a while as he tries to sort food for us, before we are eventually physically dragged from the car by some Lao girls, who take us to the dance floor and proceed to dance with and around us. Beer is poured and forced into our hands, people chatter away to us in Lao and seem happy with terrified laughter as a response. My glasses fall off my head, and when one of the girls picked them up I told her to keep them: I truly hate those sunglasses. At some point, an old man appears and seems to be trying to teach me to dance, before handing me more beer. (It's not a secret that I detest beer in every way, and the only time I've drunk it before was one of those Never Tell My Mother nights, so I'm sipping mine and passing it off to Hannah whenever I can). I try to smile and accept graciously, as I've learnt that in Laos they get offended when you don't finish your plate in a restaurant, so rejecting a beer must be tantamount to murdering the hosts son. It quickly becomes apparent that sipping and smiling won't be enough, and I am instead expected to chug the glass. Great. Everything I ever wanted. I down it through gritted teeth, and the man continues to dance with me. I think there's a chance I married him.
Eventually, food is served, sort of. Hannah, being vegetarian, is served a bowl of raw eggs, while I am given mystery meat and noodles. We both get a honey sandwich. Our host gestures to the plate and I realise today is the day that I am going to have to face the one food I've avoided longer than beer: banana. They're tiny Asian bananas, sure, but they're bananas, and I wouldn't wish that fruit on my worst enemy. Why are they so yellow and mushy? Why do they smell so bad? Why is the taste so dramatically different to the haribo version? Do they really need to be that phallic? Still, I'm a polite European, so I try a piece and it's not terrible? Kind of like a yellow kiwi fruit. What a day for bananas!
Throughout all of this, we're handed more beer and told "Lai, lai!". It transpires that it is some sort of custom (I think) to down your drink, and it's incredibly rude not to. I only found this out after a Lao woman yelled at me for a while, but what can you do. I drank as much as I could, and snuck the rest to Hannah who gallantly drank it for me. It's not the first time she's finished drinks I couldn't.
So after more beer, and more dancing, we managed to leave. It took a while, as everyone needed to take a picture with us, one guy needed to tell us he loved us several times, and some other women needed to wish us good luck and good morning. But that's the story of how Hannah and I ended up slightly drunk on a Sunday afternoon in Thakek, and how I ate literally the first ever banana I've ever eaten ever and didn't hate it.
