#bitter spirits

Hello!!! We are three people who are always right, and we are on a quest to find the perfect romance novel. That, unfortunately, does not exist. This is why we drink so much wine, and that is why, for our first romance novel review, we chose Bitter Spirits.

This was a painful book to read. Almost as painful as Winter Magnusson’s monster dick must have been as it entered Aida’s tiny tiny vagina.  - Catherine 

 This book couldn’t convince me to read past page fifty but I still know Winter Magnusson likes to be ridden like a pretty pony. - Margo - 

DREAM CAST

Aida Palmer

Winter Magnusson

This book is deeply deeply bad. This book took away my belief in love. Can two people fall in love? Bitter Spirits asks. No! We answer.

Bitter Spirits tells the story of Aida Palmer, the stupidest spiritual medium in San Francisco, and Winter Magnusson, a bootlegger with a freckle fetish. Winter Magnusson has been cursed because he is an evil white man, and he hires Aida’s services to ward off the ghosts that keep following him around. 

Aida falls in love with Winter immediately because he is hung like a goddamn stallion. (She sees his dick within like, the first 15 pages) Winter falls in love with Aida because of her breasts. Nothing but her breasts. He talks about her breasts constantly. I can’t tell if Jenn Bennett can’t write a man’s POV, or if she writes it too well. 

The plot of this novel is deeply lazy and incredibly racist. Winter and Aida, two brave white people, must protect the bootleggers of San Francisco from some cruel, stereotypically magical Chinese immigrants.

Of course, Winter Magnusson can’t be racist! He has a Chinese sidekick named Bo, who Winter rescued from the cruel streets. Bo caters to Winter’s every whim. 

Aida can’t be racist because she had a hard life too! Her parents died and that is definitely as bad as the systemic violence of racism. 

But don’t worry, dear readers! The plot in this novel is irrelevant. There are ghosts, and curses, and murder, but they only serve as the beautiful bread in the sexual sandwich that is this novel. 

It takes a weirdly long time for Aida and Winter to Do the Do, but it takes about 40 pages for her to find his porn collection. Winter keeps erotic postcards in a scrapbook in his study. Anyone in the world could pick up that scrapbook, including Winter’s two, impressionable younger siblings. 

At least put it under your bed, Winter, you pervert. 

Fortunately for Aida, the prized picture in Winter’s Spank Bank is a Sexy Brunette with ... freckles. This sexy brunette is riding her man into the sunset. 

Does Winter have a freckle fetish? Aida wonders, Will he be the first man who loves me and my hideous speckled body???

After this, Aida and Winter spend half the book desperately trying to have sex, and being interrupted by their terrible personalities. The two of them can’t stop fighting, and the book is riddled with painful misunderstandings. 

A chapter after Winter confesses his love, Aida wonders what his words really meant. Does “I love you” mean “I love you” or does it mean “Get the fuck out of my house, you slut.” There is no way for Aida to know!

Fortunately, Aida and Winter eventually have sex and they are super compatible. Aida is tiny and freckled. Winter is a huge hairy monster. In the end, these stupid, terrible people get married, taking each other off the market permanently.

- Sarah

0/10 stars

Additional Ratings:

Nicknames: -5/10

Winter called Aida “Cheetah.” Get it? She has freckles? Spotted like a cheetah? This particular nickname made me want to be dead.

Aida called Winter “Mr. Bootlegger.” She just called him his job! That’s like calling someone “Mr. Accountant.” “Mr. Truck Driver.” Only it’s worse, because bootlegging is Winter’s ILLEGAL job. There are cops listening all the time, Aida! You might as well call him “Mr. Shot A Guy Once On A Pier.” 

HIstorical Accuracy: 2/10 

I mean, She definitely googled things OCCASIONALLY. Did she understand the thinking of 1920′s people? Their dialogue? Their clothing? The greater context? No. But did it sometimes have the superficial trappings? Yes. Congratulations, I guess.

Sexy Sex: -3/10

At one point, Aida apparently “impaled herself” on Winter’s dick. That must have hurt so much. 

Notes:

Wine

In addition to providing stellar book reviews, we will offer wine recommendations because we have perfect taste always. 

Our first recommendation is Ménage à Trois: Silk, the best most perfect wine ever. It is smooth, supple, and does not burn even a little bit when going down your throat, which is really the best thing you can say about a wine. We drink it all the time. We are creatures of habit and we can trust this glorious drink. 10/10

This week, we also tried De Loach Pinot Noir 2015, which was trash. It burned our throats. We finished the whole bottle but we weren’t happy about it. 3/10

Snacks

Our snacks this week were Bitter Spirits themed. 

Sour Gold-Bears: Bears, because our lord and savior Winter Magnusson is a beautiful bear. Very yummy. Catherine doesn’t like gummy bears but could eat these. 100/10

Phish Food Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream: Fish, because when Winter Magnusson isn’t bootlegging, he’s a fishmonger. This is the best ice cream ever invented. Margo is lactose intolerant but insisted on taking a bite. 1000/10

I really hate dishing out 1 and 2-star ratings. What I hate even more is when I dish them out to authors whose writing I have thoroughly enjoyed on a separate occasion…but I had to do it for Bitter Spirits. I’ll make this quick and as painless as possible.

I should have loved this. I am a lover of historical fiction and all things paranormal, but this one did not hit the mark. We’ve got a book set in the 1920’s during prohibition (one of my favorite eras to read about) in the middle of San Francisco (one of my favorite cities), and we’re promised danger and mystery and curses and all kinds of excitement.

But I didn’t find it.

Let me say this: if your thing is romance novels, and you love a good, cheesy historical romance with some steamy sex and a sunshiney ending, this book is for you. Jenn Bennett is a great writer, and you’ll probably enjoy it. Stop reading this review now, and go pick it up. But if you’re like me, and you can’t do romance without a healthy dose of paranormal or some kind of fucked up –you need to skip Bitter Spirits.

In my humble opinion, it’s a stretch to even label this PNR. The paranormal aspect felt like an afterthought; it isn’t even present for the majority of the novel. And when it does come into play, the mystery is wrapped up too quickly. It’s all too easy. It’s clear that this wasn’t meant to be the focus of the novel. Same with the bootlegging. Winter Magnusson, our main man, is one of the top bootleggers in San Francisco, but the excitement and danger of the bootlegging world isn’t really a part of this book either.