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Maureen couldn’t be any more ‘Ull…

The worn-out looking middle-aged woman behind the reception desk struggled to her feet as he walked towards her. She frowned at him. “Can I help you love?”

“There you go…feel a bit better now? Sometimes you just need a bloody good rooer don’t you.”

The Secret Diary of Timmy C Aged 23 and a Bit - chapter 8 ‘Sand & Stars’ (here)

“B is gonna have to pay for post-traumatic-stress counselling after that fucking awful ordeal. ‘Experience of a lifetime’?!? You’re not kidding. Might need electro-shock therapy to get over this one.

I shoulda guessed when the Bedouin camel-wrangler said they can smell fear that things wouldn't end well. No shit Sherlock! I nearly messed my pants getting on the damn thing! I clambered onto the most uncomfortable ball-squashing saddle ever invented, was catapulted forward, head-butted its neck and then whiplashed backwards while the horrible creature got to its feet.

I asked what the rancid smell was and apparently, they constantly piss down their legs to keep cool! (The camels not the Bedouins) The only saving grace was that it didn’t piss down MY leg – but what it did do was to keep twisting its evil looking head around and blowing massive snot bubbles on my Air Jordans! I could have cried. I just wrapped A’s beautiful scarf around my face as tightly as I could and prayed for it to end quickly.”

THREE NEW CHAPTERS!!!

Ch 6 Armie’s instincts were right! He needs to get to England ASAP to find Timmy

Ch 7 Armie tries to make sense of Tim’s disappearance

Ch 8 a glimpse into the mind of a deranged lunatic