#bitchesgottaeat

i had seen you in movies before, of course, but nothing ignited my passion like watching your tortured soul balance the instinct to protect that little sassy-mouthed diabetic kristen stewart against jared leto’s promise of a fortune hidden beneath that metal floor. oh, the gut-clenching drama. my heart was beating in my throat the entire time and when you made it out of the house alive (SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAPPEN TO STILL BE LIVING IN 2002) it was rock solid proof that you are a good person, because i don’t understand how to distinguish an actor from the character he plays on television or in a movie. i cried, my dude.

- Samantha Irby, my hero

http://bitchesgottaeat.blogspot.com/2015/01/forest-whitaker-perfect-human.html?m=1

BEST BLOG POST IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERWEBS.  A cut:

"i fucking hate digging my phone out of my bag during rush hour while standing butts-to-nuts with all of the other dirtbags doing the reverse commute. i always wind up inadvertently pinching a nipple or massaging a bootyhole or whatever. and that sucks. so usually i just lean against the door like a corpse with my hands shoved deep in my pockets, but i felt that telltale buzzing from inside my bag against my hip and as much as i wanted to resist i simply could not. so i knocked an elderly woman over with my giant bag and nearly punched a baby in the face trying to wrestle my phone from one of the hidden pockets within. only to find out that the next few weeks are "kinda shitty." WHICH IS NOT A REAL THING. just say you don't want to kick it with me, young man. you ain't gotta pretend you're being audited or whatever, bruh."