#bison bc

Lair of the Minotaur: “Cannibal Massacre” / “Horns of the Witch” (2005)

If you asked me to contextualize Lair of the Minotaur’s overall standing in the grand scheme of heavy metal history (go on, ask me), they probably wouldn’t make my list of top 1,000 bands, and I doubt most of my fellow metal-heads would rank them in the top 1,000,000!

But ask me to address their vicious, viscous and, yes, debilitatingly heavy guitar tone, and I might lift them into the top ten -- then, while I’m feeling lucky, bold, reckless, or all three, I’d slot their colorful moniker in the top 100.

Maybe it’s because of contradictions like these that I’ve felt compelled to collect everything I can from this uncompromising Chicago threesome (though they sort of lost their way on their fourth long-player, Evil Power), including this red wax, atypically 33 1/3-speed, 7-inch from 2005.

Though it boasts the same style of gory and grotesque cover art, plus the comparatively classy, circular labyrinth motif, as the group’s 2004 debut album, Carnage, its A-side, “Cannibal Massacre,” would actually feature on their sophomore effort, The Ultimate Destroyer, due early the next year.

But while multiple online sources, including Discogs and even the sleeve itself, call this an ‘Extended Skin Reaping Mix,’ exceeding nine minutes in length, my copy, at least, contains the very same version found on said LP, topping out at 5:46, to be exact.

Which, is all well and good, since the song is a beast: from its brief, tortured- scream intro reminiscent of Celtic Frost’s “Into the Crypts of Rays,” through its doom-laden voyage across the Mediterranean, to its bloody encounter with man-eating giants straight out of Homer’s Odyssey, and I quote:

“We sailed on, though sick at heart; Heavy rowing broke the slaves; On the sixth day, the sun didn't rise; As we headed from the East.

Then we came upon land of the Laestrygonians; Horrendous legendary fiends; These residents, an old children’s myth; The flesh of human men they eat.

Bloodbath! Skin reapers! Slaughter! Meat gatherers! Cannibal! Massacre!!!”

And I’m afraid the excellent B-side, “Horns of the Witch,” isn’t even available online, but it swims through a swampy muck of tortured howls, guitar feedback, and thrumming bass before exploding with bludgeoning riffs on its way to a blast-beaten finale.

All in all: this is a nice little 7-inch that may interest serious collectors, no matter how they choose to rank Lair of the Minotaur’s molten metallic onslaught.

Megasus: Megasus (2009)

That discreet slice of orange on this otherwise standard-looking slab of black wax is your indication that I’ll be spinning a selection of orange and purple vinyl in the lead-up to Halloween.

Or, should I say, the culmination of ‘Halloween Season,’ for that’s what we’ve come to, people -- at least if you ask marketers and the kids who have been dancing to scary songs on TikTok since early September!

I stumbled upon Megasus’ attractively packaged (poster, patch, sticker, see above) self-titled LP in an L.A. record store for a very modest price, so I figured I’d take it for a spin (in a manner of speaking) based on the band’s clever moniker and the likelihood they’d play either stoner rock or dirty heavy metal.

I mean, how bad could it be?

And, at least based on the vicious, snaggle-toothed riffing of “Ten Kingdoms,” “Megasus,” and the tellingly named “Paladin vs. Berserker” (read on and I’ll explain), the group seemed competent enough to follow experienced war metal generals like High on Fire and Black Cobra onto the field of battle.

But that positive perception was quickly unraveled by a sequence of repetitive, unimaginative, over-long head-bangers like “Swords,” “Hexes/Szaadek,” and the stoner rock retread “Iron Mountain,” whose vain attempt to regurgitate Kyuss riffs really went too far.

What’s more, all of these amateurish blunders were capped by a frontman (to call him a “singer” would be misleading) whose shrill, annoying whine -- especially painful on “Red Lottery” -- proved, yet again, that it takes real talent to scream or grunt in tune.

So, I soon found myself asking, “who are these hacks and how did they score a record deal with the prestigious 20 Buck Spin?”

Well, turns out Megasus is ‘staffed’ by a bunch of part-time musicians, and full-time video game developers (told you the Dungeons & Dragons-related paladins and berserkers were a clue), employed at Harmonix, the creators of popular time-wasters like Rock Band and Guitar Hero!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that ... until I wasted $10 on their mediocre vanity project, but whatever: what’s done is done.

So, here’s to your continued success, boys, please don’t hack all my online accounts as retribution for this review!

Behold! The Monolith: Behold! The Monolith (2009)

I was moved to purchase Behold! The Monolith’s very fine sophomore album, 2012’s Defender/Redeemist, after learning of the untimely passing of their vocalist and bassist, Kevin McDade, in a car crash -- poor kid wasn’t even thirty-years-old.

But I didn’t entertain the possibility of picking up this self-titled debut from 2009, until I found it real cheap on Discogs, and not because I hadn’t enjoyed the band’s sludgy brand of fantasy-laced war metal (reminiscent of Bison B.C., Khemmis, etc.), I just never got around to it.

Well, now I have, and while this first effort by McDade, guitarist Matt Price, and drummer Chase Manhattan isn’t as strong as their second (which introduced some frantic thrashing, à la High on Fire), it’s close enough to snuff, so grab your axe and ... CHAAAAARRRGE!!!

As brutal as it is brief, bulldozing opener “Battlestagg” would fit quite snuggly on a Black Cobra LP (look them up!) -- or in the arms of a cuddly, mutant rhino-ape, for that matter, such as the one conveniently pictured riding said beast on the album’s fetching fantasy cover!

A pair of seven-minute sequels, the doom-laden, semi-psychedelic “Elders,” and the part-atmospheric, part-Sherman Tank “Phantasmata / Waking Life,” show a little more range, and the sprawling, oftentimes surprisingly mellow “Battle for Balls Deep” reveals a self-effacing sense of humor. 

Finally, there’s a twelve-minute trilogy entitled “Guardians of the Abyss / Primal Extenuation / Rise of the Brohemoth” (snort!) which alternates melancholy, almost grunge-like melodies, with doomy, grinding riffs worthy of Sleep’s Dopesmoker, capped by a ripping guitar solo.

All in all, this is an entertaining (not an essential) little record for castle metal warriors, since Behold! The Monolith are merely following in other, better-known bands’ sauropod footsteps, but keep your expectations in check, and you’re sure to have a good time and a successful quest.

Oh, and surviving band members Price and Manhattan did reunite momentarily in 2015, recruiting new bassist Jason Casanova and singer Jordan Nalley to record a third Behold! The Monolith LP called Architects of the Void before, presumably, heading there themselves.

Bütcher: 666 Goats Carry My Chariot (2020)

Bütcher, from Antwerp, Belgium, delight in all that is crazy, cartoonish and comically EXCESSIVE in heavy metal: its volume, its violence, its visuals (leather, bullet-belts, corpse-paint, inverted crosses, you name it), and its quest for victory, by any shock tactics necessary.

Hail, Satan!

In keeping, the group’s 2017 debut was naturally (naturally) called Bestial Fükkin’ Warmachine (only 500 copies were pressed, twice as many sold!), and their 2020 sophomore long-player did its best to top that with 666 Goats Carry My Chariot.

Oh, but don’t worry: the Bütcher Boyz are in on the joke, and for proof you can skip right to the nine-minute title track, which duly interrupts its doom-laden grandeur to gleefully mimic Jake E. Lee’s rip-roaring “Bark at the Moon” riffs, and then pay falsetto worship to King Diamond and Mercyful Fate.

And that’s why this record is so much more fun -- more respectable, even -- than your average TRVE/CVLT black metal album, devoted to earnestly praising a second banana (Lucifer) to a god they claim not to believe in, in the first place.

So on with the fun: “Inauguration of Steele” is a traditional, mood-setting intro, complete with cryptic narrations and dramatic guitar harmonies that set up face-ripping melodic blackened thrashers like “Iron Bitch (Unholy Wielder of The Blade),” “Metallström/Face the Bütcher” and “Brazen Serpent.”

Other cuts like “45 RPM Metal,” “Sentinels of Dethe” and “Viking Funeral” vary the tempos, if not the band’s over-the-top mission, and of course there’s a mandatory instrumental outro boasting the quasi-flatulent title of “Exaltation of Sulphur.” 

In sum: 666 Goats Carry My Chariot is heavy metal that never grew up!

It’s a state of mind where delirious, demonic, dark fantasy ditties offer escapism of the highest order for lonely, frustrated teenagers with aggression to burn, and it represents a life-phase we all wanted desperately to escape when we were 15-years-old, but would give an arm and a leg to return to, at 45.

Hail, Bütcher!

Baroness: Purple (2015)

While I always viewed Baroness as a “Baby Mastodon” with hipster appeal, I thoroughly enjoyed their First and Second EPs, and the ensuing Red Album / Blue Record combo, but the overly ambitious (to not say totally scattered) Yellow & Green opus turned me off completely.

Then, Baroness’ apparent hubris seemed to catch up with them in the form of a horrific tour bus crash, which luckily claimed no lives, but ultimately cost them their rhythm section, to say nothing of the necessary recovery spent time away from the spotlight.

So it’s almost as though band leader John Baizley was seeking to appease the lords of karma with Baroness’ next LP, 2015’s comparatively focused and concise Purple -- an honest-to-goodness hard rock record, by most any definition.

Yes, there’s a bounty of metallic intent spread across “Morningstar,” “Desperation Burns” and “Chlorine & Wine,” all of which contain finger-knotting riffs for miles (like I said, “Baby Mastodon”), athletic leads, and gruff, if always musical vocals.

But even stronger melodies, big-ass choruses, and judicious synths dominate songs like “Shock Me” (not the old Kiss favorite), “Kerosene” (which reminds me of Muse), the bouncy, twin-harmony-infused thunder-pop of “The Iron Bell,” and the deliberate fragility of “If I Have to Wake Up (Would You Stop the Rain).”

In retrospect, I guess Purple harbors many of the same sonic developments I took issue with on Yellow & Green, except that despoiling them of all that excess “fat” (and just too many damn songs!) rendered Baroness’ understandable desire to evolve perfectly acceptable.

And I see similar sentiments expressed by many of my fellow rock critics -- even those who were too enamored with Baroness, or afraid to question their hipster credibility, when Yellow & Green first emerged, now seeing the error of their ways thanks to Purple’s pared-down improvements.

Warbringer: War Without End (2008)

Some ten years ago, it seemed like hundreds of young bands were throwing themselves into the third millennium thrash metal revival -- and I must have reviewed thousands (har har) of them for the All-Music Guide -- but few impressed me as much as Los Angeles’ Warbringer.

The quintet’s first long-player, 2008’s Bill Metoyer-produced War Without End, arrived just as Metallica’s Kill 'Em All (*) was celebrating its silver anniversary, and Warbringer meshed first-wave influences and neo-thrash results in consistently exciting and fresh-sounding ways.

In my AMG review, I encouraged readers to check out stunning, high-speed moshers like “Total War,” “Hell on Earth,” and “Shoot to Kill,” with their saber-toothed riffs, expertly sculpted solos, and surprisingly memorable choruses -- not to mention butt-loads of attitude. 

Yes, Warbringer borrowed lots from Exodus’ fast-and-furious attack for “Dread Command” and “Instruments of Torture,” while another highlight, “At the Crack of Doom,” wouldn’t have existed without Slayer, but the song is so spectacularly crushing that it's easy to forgive this. 

Throw in a few death metal ingredients, including slower tempos and sporadic growls from vocalist John Kevill (normally, a classic thrash-styled screamer), and you get some spice in tracks like “Systematic Genocide” and “Beneath the Waves.” 

So even though War Without End’s second half couldn’t match the first’s high-caliber contents, I, for one, felt Warbringer's debut easily trumped most attempts by their wildly inconsistent ‘00s thrash metal peers.

So party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth! Excellent ...

* Though we’ll never agree on whether this was the first thrash record, it was certainly the first one that mattered, got the ball rolling on a broad scale, etc.