“Umm yeah…” I said slowly, feeling my heart pounding against my ribs. “Cowboys are supposed to be lucky. As long as they aren't from Dallas at least."
      Oh my God did I just say that? Surprisingly, my unfunny and awkward football joke earned a definite chuckle from Adam. But, oh, the way he smiled. Those eyes, I swear, could glow in the dark.
      The voices at the table seemed to fade away. I could just make out Leigh’s voice as she kept the conversation going. She was talented like that—able to talk up everyone she met. It was how we met in freshmen year at in the first place. She and Kenny seemed to be hitting it off, propped on their elbows and talking over the cheese fries and cookie skillet. I sat there in a stunned sort of silence every time I thought about trying to talk. Maybe not to Kenny, but definitely to Adam.
      I was suddenly jerked back to reality when I realized Leigh was poking my leg. She was watching me from the corner of her eye, lips turned down in a worried frown. Across the table, Kenny tapped his spoon on the skillet.
     “Hello? Anybody home in there?" Kenny said with a teasing smile.
      Leigh poked my thigh again. “Hi...sorry… the mimosas we had on the plane are kicking my ass." For a second, the world went fuzzy. Without warning, I jumped to my feet and excused myself, grabbing my backpack as I dashed off.
      I hurried to the ladies’ room. My ribs were tight, making it hard to breathe. I swore I was going to either throw up or pass out before I made it into the bathroom. I heard Leigh’s faint voice in the background, apologizing behind me as she followed behind at a run.
      “Als? You ok, babe?” Leigh asked, following me to the sink. The panic was so thick that I couldn’t think of anything else to do but giggle… almost maniacally.  “What's going on? What’s wrong?”
      I threw my bag on the counter, searching through it for one specific thing. Half a dozen things came out as I dug, finally pulling out what I wanted. I held up a smooth grey rock with the word courage engraved in black on the top.
      “Remember this?" I asked, holding it up. “You gave it to me at the airport when I moved to LA. It hasn't left my bag since.”
      Leigh stepped close and put her arm around my back and dropped her head against my shoulder. “Als…”
      “Jon made fun of me for keeping it with me, but I can't imagine not having you by my side, Leelee.” My voice broke. As much as he’d royally screwed me over, it still hurt to think of all the time I’d wasted with Jon. When I thought things were going perfectly, when I thought we were two steps from happily ever after… I squeezed my eyes shut to keep from crying. I refused to give him that satisfaction.
     “I can't believe you keep that with you,” my friend replied, hugging me tight. I turned and wrapped my arms around her. For a moment, we just stood there as the panic bled out of me. “I know things are hard, but there is a super hot, super confused cowboy and out there with our loaded cheese fries. If we leave them alone too long, they’ll eat all of them. And the cookie,” Leigh said with a nudge and a wink.Â
     I grinned, relaxing with my friend’s presence. “What about Curls—Kenny? I think he likes you…” We parted and I leaned against the counter, raising a brow as I looked at her. We were almost the same height, but her hair was shorter and dyed a deep ruby red. “Maybe it’s time to jump back on the pogo stick?”
      Leigh blushed and tucked her hair behind her ears. She looked over her shoulder at the door. “He's so fit… and hot. I mean, look at him and look at me. I doubt he goes for the thick girls.”
      I knew the feeling. The doubt. I thought I’d found someone who accepted and loved me just for me, but I’d been wrong. I suppose it had been the same with Izzy and Leigh. They were like Jon and I… happy on the outside but broken deep down.
      As doubtful as she sounded, Leigh had a faraway dreamy look in her eyes. “Man… his smile, though. And those eyes…but I don’t know, Al… But I guess we’ve got to leave the ladies first so we can find out. Remember a week away from reality.”
      I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror. Whatever tan I’d gotten living in California had washed out beneath my panic. My hazel eyes looked shell shocked. I splashed some cool water on my face and behind my ears, the surprise bringing color back to my cheeks. Leigh handed me a paper towel.
      “You good?”
      “Yeah, I'm good.” I smiled and hugged Leigh again, glad to have her with me. I pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Seriously, though. Kenny looked at you like we looked at that cookie skillet. I can't believe you don't see it. He is definitely into you. You deserve it after Izzy—go for it.”
      Leigh rolled her eyes and snatched my backpack up from the counter.  “Come on, our fries are probably cold.”
      We laughed as we exited the ladies’ room arm-in-arm. As soon as we opened the door, I was surprised to find the cowboy leaning up against the wall. His brow was furrowed, and his blue eyes were dark with worry.
     “Is everything okay, Allie?” Adam asked with concern. His southern accent seemed to get thicker and desperately more adorable “You turned pale as a sheet.”
      Something warm settled in my chest. “Yeah, I'm okay. Thanks,” I replied, smiling a little. I thought of that stone in the front pocket of my bag. “I guess I shouldn't have had that last mimosa. Got a little light-headed.”
      Adam nodded and tucked his hands into the pockets of his jeans. I tried hard not to think about how good he looked in them. “Let’s get some food in you. Always helps when I’ve had a few too many.”
      I felt Leigh bump me lightly in the hip as she unwound her arm from mine and slipped in front of us. Adam shortened his stride to match mine and I could have sworn he turned just a little bit toward me.
      “Hey… half the fries are gone,” Leigh exclaimed from the table. Adam and I sidled up to the table just in time to see Kenny look up at her sheepishly, melted cheese and bacon bits still on the plate in front of him.
      Kenny looked around, as if he were searching for someone even as he tried to casually wipe the grease and cheese onto his napkin. “Yeah, I looked away for one second, and somebody just swiped them.”
      Before any of us could say anything in response, Leigh’s phone went off in her pocket. I watched her face go grey as she recognized the ringtone. Don’t answer it. Don’t answer it, I thought, wishing she could hear me inside her head. But she couldn’t, and I watched her hands shake as she put the phone to her ear.
      “Hello, Itzabelle,” my friend said, her voice barely trembling. I could feel the fear spilling into her veins.
      I could hear her ex’s voice on the other end. She was shouting and screaming, clearly upset about something. What does she want now? Hasn’t the bitch done enough?
      “It’s none of your business if I am in Tahiti with Allie. You gave up having an opinion about what I do a long time ago.” Leigh was starting to go pale and I dashed over to slip a chair under her, guiding her to sit down. “I’m not telling you a damn thing, Itzabelle. You’ve broken my heart enough. I’m not letting you do it again.”
      Leigh dragged the phone from her ear and ended the call, clutching the device tight in her hands. She looked sick. Adam handed her a glass of water. “Head between your knees if you’re gonna pass out.”
      My earlier panic had been quickly burned away by something like rage. Itzabelle Parker and I hadn’t exactly gotten along while she and Leigh were together, but I’d done my best once they got serious. But I’d be damned if she tried to ruin my friend’s life after they’d broken up.
      The high ring of my phone made my heart jump a beat. I dug it from my bag and grinned sadistically when I recognized the number. I answered without hesitation.
      “Listen here, Itzabelle Parker,” I spat, the words drawing out. I paced a few steps away. “You don’t get to speak to her like that. You made your choice the minute you touched her cousin, and you don’t get to be pissed off at her for going on a vacation with me.”
      She snarled back at me, hurling insults and insinuations. I couldn’t help but laugh. “You never deserved her. How many times was it, Izzy? And don’t just say the once because we both know you are a lying bitch who broke my best friend’s heart.”
      The angrier I got, the more I could hear the southern Alabama slipping into my voice. I’d lost all but hints of it when I moved to LA, but it seemed pure and unadulterated rage could bring it right back. “She’s moved on to better and definitely bigger than you. My girl will be well taken care of by one of the hottest men I have ever seen if I have a vote in it. She deserves some happiness after everything you’ve put her through.”
      I hung up on her without another word, feeling some vicious glee at how she sputtered at the end. It never occurred to Izzy that Leigh might find a guy who could make her happy. “Gimme your phone,” I commanded, holding out my hand to Leigh. She dropped passed it over without complaint. I powered both of them off and stuffed them into the bottom of my backpack. “Now…”
      I finally looked up, drawing a deep breath. The anger I’d felt at Izzy had completely torn away at the panic I’d felt moments before. Leigh was looking up at me with a mixture of awe and embarrassment. Across the table, Kenny had turned a horrible beet red and was suddenly very interested in counting the bacon bits on his plate. But Adam…
      Adam was looking at me with an awful appreciation in his eyes. He grinned and nodded, bracing his hands on the back of his chair and leaning forward. “You, Allie Mason, are as full of surprises as a hellcat.”
      “I’m sorry. That woman just…” I growled, still caught up in the rush of adrenaline. “She thinks she can dictate everything Leigh does even though she’s the one who royally fucked up. I’m not having it.”
      As I watched, Adam looked over at Kenny and burst out laughing. I finally stopped long enough to realize how I might have embarrassed him. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Kenny. I didn’t mean… That woman is horrible, and I wanted to shut her up. I’m so sorry I embarrassed you!”
      He took a deep drink of the soda in front of him. Then he downed the water next to it. “It’s fine,” he said, waving his hand in the air. “Flattered really. I mean… surprising that I would… you know… make her… jealous? But… yeah… um…”
      For a moment he sat quiet, then looked down at the iPhone on the table. “Hey Hangman, our ferry leaves in like 10 minutes. Unfortunately, we need to bid these lovely ladies adieu." Kenny said, the slight sadness present beneath his lingering embarrassment.
      Leigh glanced over as well. "Shit! Allie, ours leaves then, too. Grab a box from the server for the fries.” She glanced up at Kenny—who was still a delightful shade of red—and Adam—who was trying not to laugh at his friend—and queried, “Where are you guys off to?"
      “The Four Seasons resort at Bora Bora,” Adam said easily.
      I looked at Leigh, my heart beating hard against my ribs. No. It wasn’t possible… She looked quickly between Adam and I and smiled. “So are we.”
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I didn’t know I was Bi till a year ago. Truth is that for a long time I considered myself a gay in denial in that I tried to hide my love of men/boys during my early puberty and early high school days. The idea of having a male partner to me at the time was no different then living in a Disney story. So instead I only showcased my love of men on chat rooms and forums albeit in a more ironic sense. I was aware of the concept of Bi-sexuality but I never really thought too much of it until I realized that I should have no point in feeling guilty as to whether I like men nor women. But where as I solved my inner dilemma internally I had to also do it externally.Â
I was thinking a lot if I should out my self as being Bi or not. I could honestly live my life the way I want to without telling anyone but at the same time everyone would just think of me as “normal” which is not something I want. I prefer men. I want to date them. That is what I want and that is something that I want other people to know. But instead I got the worst situations I could think of. Not only did I had to explain what being Bi really meant without coming of as rude but I also had to deal with typical comments as to why I would choose being “gay” over “hetero”.Â
“Are you sure you like dudes?” “Have you ever tried a woman?” “It’s better for you if you went out with a woman instead.” “You’re just young and you don’t know any better.” “Don’t live in these fantasies and face reality”Â
I feel tired when I hear this. I feel invalidated and pushed. At one point I just want to scream “SO YOU WANT ME TO BE GAY THEN?”. It’s not that I detest the idea of being with a woman at any point in my lifetime but right now I want to be with men. And I didn’t come to this conclusion just all of a sudden. I can’t count the many sexual fantasies I had with men over the years.Â
“So then why not say you’re gay then?”. BUT I AM NOT GAY. Because I don’t completely reject the idea of having a female partner. I just want to be with someone of my own gender because that is my personal reference and I feel it’s my right to act upon it. And yet this is the curse I was born to entail by being Bi. Because nobody can just imagine the idea of someone who can make a wish for any lover they would go for something that is “abnormal”. It’s bad enough that many gay and lesbian people are still closeted and worse in a hetero relationship because they have the need to act as tho society wishes them to but what happens when you as a person feel rejected because not only are you being strong-armed into doing what everyone wants you to do while also rejecting any sense of choice you wish to have.Â
If a Bi person is in a hetero relationship then they are “normal” but if you’re in a gay relationship then you are “gay” because unless you are into a polygamous relationship then your chances of being accepted as Bi are slim at best.Â
I wish to absolve the idea of any kind of love being labeled and thought upon as how it would fit in society. Love is a primal desire that I wish anyone could experience but if we reject any notion as to what kind of relationships entail then we would go back to the start where only heterosexuality will seem as normal and nothing else. I want to fight for my local brothers and sisters and help them trough the struggles they are facing because of the ills society puts them in.Â
I want to date a man because I want to showcase to the world that love is for anyone and everyone deserves it. I want to live in a world where I’ll know many generations to come they will have the freedom to live and love for whoever they choose. I will stand by the losing army now if it means a victory in the future.Â
When the woman you are interested in buys you a drink then says, "I'm straight, but in an alternate reality you and I are going home together tonight."
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Today I would like to talk about that feared subject no one really wants to breach, is bisexuality real?
Here’s the problem with bisexuality, many people who claim the title of homosexuality, more than likely, claimed bisexuality for a short period of time.
Bisexuality, often times, is a stepping stone for homosexuality, and often times used by the macho-men to throw off their feelings toward males by saying they’re “bi-curious.”
This creates an interesting, but stressful paradox in which men and women who are actually bisexual cannot claim their identity because people around them believe they are either lying about who they are, or not admitting it. There’s not a clear way to describe this other than frustrating. It’s also incredibly annoying when someone says that my sexuality doesn’t exist because they cannot understand it.
How would you like it if I told you that you didn’t exist?
