thatās how many years it took you to try.
thatās how many years you tried until you gave up. again.
you walked out of my life thirty one years ago. willingly.
youād come back in just to see how much of my heart you could twist up into knots. how many pieces you could leave on the ground when you walked out again.
āput your mother on the phone, you arenāt my daughter anymore.ā
words of hatred you spit at me when i was twelve.
you set the bar for what i thought i deserved.
you reminded me every year that i was not enough for you.
it took me a lot of years to understand this was not about me. this was your insecurities to work through.
but, that didnāt stop my heart from hurting. that didnāt stop me from questioning my self-worth. that didnāt stop the questions of why I wasnāt good enough for a phone call on Christmas, a card on my birthday. it didnāt stop me from putting this burden on my shoulders.
as a child, this is not a weight I should have had to carry.
as an adult, this is something Iāve had to learn to sift through.
sometimes sitting on the floor, dumping all the contents out and attempting to make sense of it all - again. one more time.
you asked for another chance. the hundredth one i have given.
i went against my better judgment.
to my life and my childrenās.
i gave you an opportunity to prove me wrong.
once again, venom was spewed in my direction.
and instantly i was a twelve year old girl, sitting on my bed crying - wondering how i allowed you to do this to me again.
it wasnāt my burden to carry then
and itās not my burden to carry now.
i didnāt owe you anything.
it wasnāt my responsibility to make you feel secure.
it wasnāt you who needed to heal.
you took the stitches out - left me bleeding on my own.
because i was raised by the two most loving people.
because my dad loved me. on my darkest days. during my stormiest nights.
heās honest and trustworthy.
he doesnāt have to try. he just is.
this is the end of this chapter.
i will sign the last page as my promise to myself, i will close it, put it on a shelf as a lesson learned
and i will never open it again.