#binhi

— h. a. Cambel

Agaw pansin talaga ang magkahawak nating mga kamay tuwing maglalakad tayo sa kalsada, o kahit pa nakaupo lamang tayo at nag-aabang ng masasakyan.

Paano pa kapag pereho tayong babae?

Binabaybay natin ang daanan ng mga nagmamadaling studyante, at nagpupuyos na mga sasakyan, hawak mo ang kamay ko, araw ng Miyerkules. Pang walong buwan na kasi natin ngayong araw bilang mag-sinta, niyaya mo ako na magsimba.

Hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit kahit na naka dungaw palagi sa atin ang mga mata ng mga matatandang may suot na belo, at mga dalagang suot ang mahahaba nilang blusa sa lugar na ito ay mas pinipili mo pa rin na dito tayo magsimba.

Ang sinasabi mo lamang sa akin tuwing tatanungin kita ay ang paulit-ulit mo ring tanong ng, "Ano bang alam nila?" Maski sa pagdukot mo ng barya sa bulsa para ipambayad ng kandila, hanggang sa maitirik natin ang mga ito, hindi mo kailanman binitiwan ang kanang kamay ko. Kahit pawisin ito, mas panatag ka, sabi mo.

"What are you thinking whenever you hold my hand?" Bigla mong naitanong sa akin matapos mong maitirik ang huling kandila.

"Ha?"

"You heard me."

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot sa'yo sa mga sandaling 'yon kaya hinawakan ko na lang muli ang kamay mo at naglakad na papasok sa simbahan. Napansin agad tayo ng papalabas nang mag-anak. Nakatingin sa mga kamay natin ang marahil bunso nilang anak. Ngigitian ko sana ang bata, pero inilayo rin agad ng nanay nito ang atensyon at sinabing ibibili niya ng cotton candy ang anak.

Sanay na ako sa ganito; sa mga taong hindi pa rin komportable sa posibilidad na babae ako, at babae rin ang iniibig ko. Sa mga taong mulat naman ang mga mata sa mga bagay na nangyayari sa mundo ngunit pinipilit pa rin na pumikit. Sa mga taong wala namang alam sa buhay mo, pero mas marami pang masasamang bagay ang lumalabas sa kanilang bibig.

Sino ba sa atin ang mali?

Mas maraming tao ngayon sa simbahan kumpara nung huling beses na punta natin. Bago pa makapasok ng tuluyan sa simbahan ay binitiwan ko ang kamay mo. Pagtataka ang naging reaksyon mo ngunit nagbago rin agad ito nang makita mong idinampi ko ng kaunti ang mga daliri ko sa holy water ng simbahan at saka nag antanda. Ginaya mo ako.

Ngumiti ako sa'yo at muling hinawakan ang kamay mo.

"Halika na?"

Naging hipokrito ako.

Lumipas ang limang taon...

Magkahawak na kamay. Nakangiting mga mata. Nagtatawanang mga labi. Papalabas ng simbahan.

Araw ng Miyerkules.

Kasama ang babaeng pinangakuan mo ng kasal.

Ganito kita muling nakita makalipas ang limang taon. Nakatingin lang ako sa iyo, at sa babaeng pinangakuan mo ng habang buhay, ng bagong babae na nais mo na ngayong makasama hanggang sa hinaharap. Babaeng hindi ako.

Nagtama ang mga mata natin, ngumiti ka hanggang sa bumaba ang mga mata ko sa magka-hawak niyong mga kamay. Ramdam ko ang higpit, ramdam ko na ayaw mo na siyang bitawan. Ramdam ko na kahit anong mangyari, hindi mo na siya pakakawalan. Ako dapat 'yon.

Euphoric.

I believe, the term to answer your question was Euphoric.

Ganon ang pakiramdam tuwing hawak ko ang kamay mo, hindi ko alam kung bakit natagalan ako sa pagsagot, kung bakit kita pinaghintay, kung bakit hindi ko na kinaya pa ang mga tingin nila, kung bakit kinailangan kong lumayo.

Ngayon, kahit paulit-ulit kong sagutin ang tanong mo alam kong hindi mo na 'to sa akin gustong marinig. Kahit na paulit-ulit kong subukan na sabihin sa'yo na mas handa na akong maglabas-masok sa simbahang ito kapit ang kamay mo ngayon, ay hindi na pwede.

Hindi na ako.

Tatay being a farmer then, always talked about the different types of rice seeds (bin-i in Ilocano, binhi in Tagalog). But he never taught me the correct classifications so I can only look at the ceiling wondering what the hell was he talking about while he’s doing his monologues on how CL8 is not that soft, or the RC10 that doesn’t yield that much compared to others, yadda yadda yadda. Then…

Kaya tahan na, ooh

Sumandal ka, ooh

Hayaan mo na aking paglaruan

Thank You po for always reminding us not to give up and not to get tired, even though you know how we want to surrender whenever we feel down and helpless.

You know our limitations, but truly never did You forsake us.

Thank You so much po, that through the Church Administration, You gave us additional strength and inspiration to go on with our journey and to fulfil all the more our duties.

As a student, the most active fields I am in now are in the Ateneo de Manila University as a whole, and a more specific extra-curricular field is the Ateneo Musicians Pool. I’d like to talk about my experiences in these communities as they hold most of my good memories as a college freshman. There is a reason why these are the fields I am active in. I will start by expressing my inhibitions before joining these communities. 

I believe to be able to be part of the Ateneo, you must either have the capital of money, and for scholars, a capital of knowledge. Ateneo also has this stereotype that it’s a home for the conyos—a term for the ones who speak in Taglish or combined Tagalog and English—and it is usually associated with the higher class. Locally, those who speak English are considered more sosyal or fancy, and those who can speak Tagalog are those who can get along with everyone else and be at their level. Since most Ateneans are conyo, this just means that the higher class usually go to college in the Ateneo de Manila University. This leads me to believe that the capital needed to rise above in the lifestyle of the Ateneans has to do with acquiring financial and social capital. Financial capital because the higher class who attend college in Ateneo are those who are essentially richer than the lower class, and social capital because those in the higher class are particular with their connections as well as the community may be very exclusive. 

As for the capital needed in Ateneo Musicians Pool, I believe talent, knowledge, and experience in music can bring you higher up the ranks since it is a musicians pool. These elements will give you an edge when applying to be part of the organization, or applying for a higher position. There really is a difference in skill for those who’ve had this before compared to those who are just starting out in college. 

I’m a freshman in the Ateneo campus whose family is not all that rich, which puts me in a low standpoint in this field. This is a fairly new environment to me because I’d be the last person you would see among these mostly rich students. I found myself having to act more prim and proper as opposed to my usual jologs self to fit in this field; I even went as far as changing the way I dress and the way I laugh when I got to this university. The habitus that I have brought to the school mostly is my work ethics. I study well and I know how to work in a group and a committee since in my high school, I ran for leadership positions and joined as many events whose production I can be part of. I got in this school with hard work from both myself and my parents since they’re also not rich enough to be completely comfortable paying the school’s tuition fees. I also was used to the drinking and going out culture and this proved to be useful when we go out as I knew how to take care of myself and others. 

I am also just a newbie in AMP, but I feel like I have more leverage or capital in this field. I have been exposing myself to music ever since I was little and I was able to apply this knowledge in this org. Though this is still an Atenean organization, and I find myself having to change myself quite a bit in the community, this organization still opens up the most passionate side of me. I feel like I’m at home when I’m in this org because it really does take me back considering I’ve been doing music since I was young and it’s what I am passionate about. I’d say though that even if I’m a newbie, I can contribute a lot here, which elevates me in the field’s social hierarchy.

The habitus that was prevalent in my Binhi area was the ability to recycle materials. As I watched them teach us how to possibly make use of the materials, I noticed that it seemed like second nature to them already. As was told to us, not much of them grew up in a rich family, so I suspect that like me, they learned to be capable if reusing things to lessen their consumption. They were also very skilled in handicrafts and cooking as that's what they used to do in their household. I personally was not able to contribute much knowledge since I was raised with a helper who cooks for us, but it was a very fun experience since I was very willing to learn everything they taught us. The habitus I was able to manifest was the way I spoke with and understood the lolas. Compared to my groupmates, I believe I was more able to speak with them since I spoke a lot of Tagalog. It is notable that our habitus is very different from each other. In the setting of Binhi, they were obviously the ones at and advantage. But come when they have to be in our community, it'll be the other way around.

I was pretty confused because the lolas were not really communicating with us much except during the paper mache and the kutsinta activity. Even so, I was able to immerse myself in what they do and it gave me an idea of what they go through everyday. As unemployed lolas, they go to that barangay office to find a sense of purpose for themselves and to be able to contribute to society. This made me realize that aging may come with challenges with the identity, searching for a purpose and whatnot. We were also told of the conditions of the SSS pension. Some of the lolas only get 500 pesos monthly, which is not enough most especially if they do not have their children to support them. I was able to empathize with them and their struggles through this activity and realize that they are also experiencing some kind of oppression in the sense that they are neglected.