#bilgerat

Which wasn’t fair at all! At least the other cell had a pile of pretty blue fabric in it. Pretty blue fabric that was moving, scrambling to the other side and away from him. And the blue fabric was actually a ragged dress attached to a person, crawling into the light as she fled from the newcomer next to her. It was a woman. A very pretty woman, too; small and softly featured, with pale skin and dark hair and dark eyes that were glaring at him in a way that made his ears heat up.

“Qǐng bié dǎrǎo wǒ!” she said, and whatever that was, it didn’t sound friendly.

“Uh? English?” He tilted his head at her. “Anything? No? Well, so much for scintillating conversation with yours truly.” He let go of the bars, turning about and cursing as counterfeit playing cards fell from his coat, scattering on the floor. He fell to both knees to quickly try gathering them up. “Whoops! Forget you saw that, love! So, what’re you in for?”

“Nǐ zhège liǎngmiànpài, wǒ zài yě bùhuì xiāngxìn nǐ le.”

”Woah, woah! Let’s not say things we can’t take back!” he replied good-naturedly, before slumping down atop his itchy straw.

The woman eyed him for a while longer before she grumbled something to herself…and spoke up in English this time. “Wait, I don’t recognize you. Who are you? Are you one of the crew?”

“Oh, ya do speak! Foreign, aren’t ya? Well, maybe you’ve heard of me anyway?” He struck a pose, as impressive as he could make it without having to get up again. “The most famous and most scurvy of scoundrels, pirate king, scourge of the seven seas— that handsome bloke stealing priceless treasures and lady’s hearts alike! The one n’ only Buccaneer BilgeRat!”

“…I haven’t heard of you,” she said flatly.

“Arright, owch. Maybe they just know me by another name in wherever you’re from. And no, not from this crew. These cretins are a whole different breed who can’t stand losin’ a simple game of cards… Guess you’re not in for card-sharkin’, are you? What’s a cute lil’ button like you doing in a place like this, anyway? You got a name? They ain’t hurt ya, did they? Scum, the lot of ‘em. Now me, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m a proper gent.”

She frowned at his barrage of questions, drawing her knees up under her torn blue dress. “My name is Mei-Ling. And they’re keeping me for a ransom. Although once my organization hears about this—!” She huffed, turning away. “If they can get here in time, anyway. I think it’s already been a few days. And one of them tried to get…handsy, and was suggesting very awful things. But I pretended I didn’t understand the language and broke a lantern over his head. So they put me in here.”

A small spark of admiration lit in his chest. “Good on ya, Mei-Ling! Give ‘em hell, darl! Not to worry. When I bust out of here, how about I take you with me?”

She pursed her lips, still looking unimpressed. “But you’re just another pirate.”

“The pirate, love. THE pirate. The famous Buccaneer BilgeRat’s gotten his self out of worse than this. I’ll get us out of here and then, uh…maybe we can go out for drinks, you and me? How about dinner?”

“Are you asking me on a date while we’re both trapped in a pirate brig?” she said incredulously, before shrugging and sitting back again atop her own hay pile. “Hmph. I’ll go wherever you want to go, if you can just get me out of this awful place.”

“That’s the spirit! I know a great little cafe too, you’re just gonna love it. You just sit tight while ol’ BilgeRat works his magic.” He offered her a wide grin, which she didn’t return. But she did watch when he stood up again and moved to the door, inspecting the lock. “Would’ve waited just a bit longer so I could get me bearings a little, but we’ve got a date and all now, so let’s get on with it.”

Her brows furrowed a little more curiously, scooting forward into the light and towards the bars separating them. “Do you actually have something that can get us out? Really?”

“Always pays to be prepared, Mei, sweetness. I’ll admit they did give me a bit of a pat down. Removed my bombs and matches and all. Even searched my peg, the blighters. Took the dynamite out of it, so that’s a no go.”

“You…keep dynamite in your leg?”

“Well not anymore, that’s the problem. They near on emptied me clean. But!” He winked at her in what he hoped was a charming manner. “Pat-downs can’t always find everything. Especially when they don’t wanna pat down everything. Now what you’ve probably been wondering is… Is that a bomb in my trousers or am I just really happy to see you?” He pointed to his crotch.

“Um—”

“The answer is both! Hold on a tick…” Without shame, he pulled his belt loose and dove into his underwear with both hands, searching until he was almost elbow deep. “Right… OW! No, wait…Okay, other one, grabbed onto the wrong bit.”

Mei looked aghast, but brightened when he soon came up with a small round explosive. Plucking a fuse from the tangles that were his dreadlocks, he quickly inserted it into the bomb and held it out proudly. Tossing it up and down, he puffed his chest up a bit and posed for her a bit. Clicking the tips of his metal fingers, he hatched a smattering of sparks until one of them finally caught. And with a quick flourish, he thrust the nob at the top into the door’s keyhole.

“Batten down your beautiful hatches, Mei!” he said, backing away and shoving both fingers in his ears.

Mei retreated to the far side of her cell, doing the same. The fuse sizzled and sparked, then burned down… until there was a loud bang and a bright flash of light, the force of it reverberating around the hollow innards of the boat. With the lock now utterly mangled, the door swung open and Rat stepped through it, waving away clouds of ashy smoke.

“There we are! I’m thinking they might have heard that one, so we’re a bit pressed for time.” He limped across the creaking floorboards, snatching up the keyring and lantern from the far wall. Hurrying back, he searched through the keys to begin sticking them in Mei’s cell door. She was pressed up against it, excitement on her face and actually smiling at him.

He liked that.

There was a shout from up above them as Rat finally found the right key and her door screeched open. Gesturing her out with a twirl of his wrist, he batted his wild brows at her roguishly. “Right this way, lovely. I know where they emptied out the rest of my bombs, so let’s grab them and make a scene. Now let’s— What’re you doing? Mei?”

She held up a finger, hurrying back across to her hay bed and pulling up something from beneath it. “I wasn’t able to find anything to get out of my cell. But I did manage to pry up a floorboard in case one of them came to give me trouble again.” She offered him that wonderful dimpling smile, holding the wooden board up cheerfully. “It even has a nail in it.”

He grinned at his new favorite blue lady and her makeshift weapon. “Oh, I’m liking you more and more by the second. Let’s go give ‘em a bit of hell. And then you and I are  off for that date.  It’s Two-For-Tuesday at that cafe down at the docks and I’m gonna take you there.”

“Um… Why don’t we discuss that after we deal with this?” She hefted her nail-board over one shoulder as the yelling grew closer.

“Right! Right! Priorities!” He limped off into the storage room with the lady at his heels, rooting around in the pile of booty before coming up with his straps of bombs and explosive devices, slinging them back into place over his coat. With a manic gleam lighting up in the center of both eyes from the yellow heat of the lantern, he lit up a fuse and stuck it between his teeth, picking up his frags in both hands. “Oh, I’m gonna enjoy this.”

The first of the pirates on lookout appeared on the stairs, cutlass drawn. Although he seemed to become less sure of himself when he saw a living explosive coming his way, grinning and leering up at him. He took several steps back, cursing.

Mei took up her place by Rat’s side, hiking up the remains of her dress and lifting her weapon. “Nǐ gěi wǒ gǔn! You big bullies!”

Rat twirled the sparking fuse in his mouth and lit the first of his bombs. ”You tell ‘em, darl! Thar she blows! Avast, you mangy dogs! Come get some!”