#bigpacific

12 July 2017

A yellow-eyed penguin. According to a documentary I was watching, these guys are found in New Zealand, the least sociable, and prefer nesting mostly in forests rather than by the ocean.

Gobby kisses and much expectations of higher-than-average quality treats! I have sourced your Fitting Feline - because as you know, the dog is the human's best friend - i.e. we actually have friends, unlike some cats I know. 

Also, I'd like to add that while I lounge like a pasha atop the pillows at the head of my master's bed, looking like a playdog centrefold because I am so devastatingly handsome, what with my one floppy ear cueing a debonair appeal in anyone who gazes upon me, That Cat That Lives Down the Hall is often shunted out the bedroom window in the middle of the night and left to make his own way to the frigid aluminum ladder placed there for that purpose. I find this exquisitely apropos, especially when I get to go in and out of any door I please, as many times as I like. 

I even have a JOB, and frankly, am actually able to keep it. The only thing consistent about That Cat is his inconsistency. It is my job to chase squirrels when my master is mushrooming and I must say I am barking-well good at it. I might add that it is not the point to catch them, lest there be any misunderstandings. Of course, Master would prefer I find stinky mushrooms, but I can't see what's in it for me. She may say they smell like cinnamon candy, but I beg to differ. Mold is mold!! And mold is only good on REAL food. 

Oh, and by the way, I don't beg. I have a superpower called the Good Dog Head Tilt, and since trying it out the first time, I've never had to beg again. I'm told I'm cuter than babies, but then again that's not saying much. When That Cat tries the Head Tilt he just looks stupid.

I'm happy to play alpha-dog to your Puter Puddy. Oh, and the other human with the Fitting Feline is called J.J. He is almost as funny as you, but not nearly as cute. He lives in Sechelt, with his wife and what else, A Dumb Cat.

This dog is needing his dinner, plus that pound of butter I'm hoping they'll leave on the kitchen table when they exit the room after dinner. Last night it was fish tacos, and though I heard them say the fish wasn't their favourite it tasted fine to me - though I have GOT to finish licking my lips before going out to sit with them. Duh.

Salivations!

I am a fellow feline writing to you from my foodbowl-top computer. Don't worry, there won't be bits of yummy Tuna Alpo Made Specially for Cats stuck to this email. My foodbowl is empty. Unfortunately, it's never full for very long. Don't you just hate that? I haven't had much luck convincing the humans to give me second helpings. Do you get seconds? What has been your strategy? I've tried showing them a lot more attention than I usually do. I already show them a lot of attention when they present all the usual snack opportunities - you know, like when they stand up, or sit down, or turn over in bed, or snore, or head to the kitchen, or head to the bathroom, or come home, or leave the house, or make a phone call, or look something up online, or look in my direction, or breathe, or tell me to go sit down.

To that, I have added coming when called (I'm sometimes distracted with my sniffing and I don't hear them calling), and accommodating all their requests to do all those stupid tricks they like us to do. I realize those tricks are somewhat humiliating for us cats, but actually, I'm quite good at giving a paw, rolling over, fetching a stick, and my begging skills are biscuit-worthy. None of this has resulted in second helpings let alone many snacks. I keep at it doggedly - um, as it were, of course. Not that I would know anything about being a dog.

I'm a full-blooded dyed-in-the-snout Who would want to be one of those big noisy smelly uncouth brutes anyway? How are your begging skills, by the way? 

I understand you are in a ruff ruff situation. I will take a sniff and a drool around both fellow felines and fellow OS X Feline users. Maybe we can find you your Fitting Feline.

Speaking of Fitting Felines, I don't mean to hound you or anything, but maybe we could get together sometime? I know this secluded spot by the ocean where there's a nicely rotting fish. Do you have a friend? We could have a Three Cat Night.

By the way, it's a really bad photo of me. The lighting makes me look like a barracuda or some kind of junkyard cat. I'm actually a shorthaired well-built and well-hung tom of mixed heritage, and I've begun orthodentics to correct my underbite. 

I hope I don't come across as opportunistic or  too alpha. My meow is worse than my mastication. Let's take a break together from this cat-eat-cat world.

Wishing you all the best in hot-dog snacks and smelly chew toys,

Ralph (Formerly Pedigreed, but mistook it for the short human's homework)