#biggerthanbroken

I didn’t ask for PTSD… it asked for me on that calm fall night. He didn’t knock on my front door nor did he announce he was coming. Like the coward in the woods, he laid low until the perfect time where he took his shot and took over.

Sept 12, 2014. I was the first lieutenant of my fire dept at 22. I was on top of my game young passionate and confident. Did I know it all? Hell no, but just…

I was going through an advanced EMT clinical and doing very well in the program, showing up to each clinical on time and ready to go. It was a Friday and I was scheduled to be at my clinical site at 8 am and I was 10 minutes early. Meeting with the EMS crew everything was just like any other clinical I had been to and somewhat better at first.

We got a call at about 9:30 am for a motor…

I would like nothing more than to share my success story. Truth is, my story will likely end in tragedy. In the end, we are nothing more than a mere statistic. We may have crossed paths over the years. Nonetheless, I used to be there for you, your loved ones, friends and neighbors. Through countless nights, weekends, holidays, rainy days and horrific days, I absorbed a part of your darkest…

So I became an EMT in 2006, did my nice suburban volunteer ems. I needed a new job so I decided to get paid doing ems. Death never bothered me. Rule 1 of ems people die, Rule 2 sometimes you can’t change rule one. It was summer of 2008 responded to an unknown medical. I wasn’t supposed to tech the call, the girl just ran into the street, I opened the side door to get the house bag. The girl jumps…

I was recently diagnosed with major depressive disorder and when the Doctor started investigating she also diagnosed me with PTSD. I have had 14 years on the job and during that time I have ran numerous bad calls. However the ones that live with me and probably contributed to my PTSD was many years ago in the early days of my career.

First was an entire family that perished when their vehicle…

It had been a long day with just myself as an EMT basic and a driver only. We were in a 4×4 “jacked up” van ambulance. The kind of junk ambulance that sits an extra 2 feet higher than normal vans and you have to constantly “rock”the steering wheel back and forth because something is wrong with it but our mechanic swears its fine. After a long day of dialysis, discharges and a quick no big deal…

It’s bitterly cold, but I have to get out of the ambulance. Sitting in this dark parking lot, a seat that doesn’t recline, can’t get comfortable. My partner looks over at me as I open the door and slide down out of my seat but they don’t say anything. Everything I do is loud when it’s this late. It smells like rain, petrichor, but the asphalt is dry. Even my boots scratching the gravel is loud, a…