#bigflower

i really don't think i want to love again or even begin to try. it's not that i can't, just that i don't want to ever love someone that much for it to not work out. once you truly love someone unconditionally, you can't just turn that off and i think you know best what that feels like. it's always there. it's always in the back of your mind.

and i think that's the worst part. i think that's why you turn yourself off. because if you can't turn that love off, something just gotta go in its place.

A Big Small flowers.

This plant is small, but the flower is big enough!

We have it here with iPhone and an add-on Macro Lens.

how amazing it is, that exactly a month has passed and nothing has changed and everything has changed.

i still remember you. what you like and what you don't like. what cracks you up and what makes you fall silence. what you said too much and what you didn't say enough. what makes you happy and what makes you angry.

but the sad thing about it is that i remember it.

i don't want to remember you, big flower. it hurts too much for too long.

is this love? or just an infatuation i couldn't shake off. i've been trying to ask myself. what was it that you had that made me fall in love with you? but the answer is as confusing as my own thoughts, it was everything, and nothing at the same time.

i'm very tired. my heart is so heavy. it's like torture. i think i'm losing it. i look at you, photos on the screen, i look at you, and i love you so much. not because of anything you've said, or done, or anything at all. i look at you, and i just love you, and it terrifies me. it terrifies me what i would do for you.

it's been 3 weeks.

time flies so fast without you and it scares me. it scares me how long it has been and i still feel the same, not the same grief, but the same love. i look at our matching ficus's leaves falling one by one and i don't want to do anything about it. i guess i need to watch it die, so that you can die in me and i can live.

there were rainy mornings i woke up and it broke my heart. i drew the blinds and the thrill of rain broke my heart. i went outside. i took Grab, walked among the buildings, men in suits. The flight of doves, the river by the underpass, the huddled mass, the sound of notifications and typing, music, laughs, silence, all of them, broke my heart.

there was a dream i had in which i loved this world. i ran from end to end like fingers through your hair. there were no borders, only wind.

i don’t miss you. i don’t. but it’s hard to listen to songs from that time, and not see the city lights faded outside your apartment’s windows. feel the hours we had left to go. the hum of conversations too far now to hear. your shape and mine and how we existed in the moment, those numbered days. when there was nothing other than the steadying idea that yes, of course i’m here, so yes, you are too. 

how to watch it all and not feel a twinge, never longing for it back. 

when you were having such a good sleep and looked like a big flower recovering from sadness or the meanness of the world or of whoever broke you. i just think that i hope you don’t have to take sleeping pills anymore. i hope you feel unburdened. i hope you dream so deeply, that you’re surrounded by variegated monsteras and drool on your pillow and snore and your muscles twitch and you wake with a little more sense of peace.