A ghost now, from your past. Not her though, sadly. Another, more disappointing.
Life over time has folded me into many different shapes, like a single sheet of paper into origami creatures for different occasions. The paper now starts to frey at the edges, soft, fibres loose and exposing a delicate weave.
How do I explain myself to you? I promised I would, when I could, when I was ready. When I could find the words.
I poured myself into the idea of you. An escape into everything I loved. Darkness, creation, struggle, pain, suffering, physical experiences that momentarily make us feel alive, or help us forget the burdens we shoulder.
I loved you, in a way. My heart was full of you, swollen, it ached for you. I could not love myself, I was so unhappy, my feelings twisted into a deep dark ichor that leaked and emanated from some broken place within.
It was unfair, I knew and felt that it was unreasonable and that you would not feel this yourself. I felt that you had saved a place like this for another, a shelf in your heart left empty, but would only be filled by that. Not me. Only that which you have briefly had but had run through your fingertips like mist. Unobtainable but beautiful and rare. It hurt me. Even though I knew all of this was wrong. Unfair. I should have no expectations, only to dive headfirst into the tangible experience of being. To see what would be.
Instead I found something else to destroy myself with. In ugly ways that cheapened my self worth and made me empty and cold. I didn't realise how warm I was till after that place where I had been cold and unfeeling. Looking out through my own eyes realising in a rare moment of self awareness that I should have been feeling more, but I could not.
I took a strangers hand knowing where it lead, down into the depths, to the guttural pits below my lowest point so that I might never see light again.
I left you, the idea of you and all my hopes and dreams behind then. My creative expression,my writing. I gave into the heaviness of life and let it suffocate me. It crushed me into the shapes that I had not chosen for myself.
I left you waiting without answer. Without a word, because I hated myself. That was immature and unfair. I can't undo it. I can only weave this despicable web of my pathetic misfortune. My disgusting corporeal expression. I'm sorry you got dragged into my orbit. You probably deserved better. You definitely deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and love. But maybe that would ruin you in other ways. With your heart full maybe something else is lost?
Who knows.
Take care Mr Sunshine. I hope you are safe and well.
xxx-blue
@bigblacksunshine
