#bibblebabble

and like

i really want to believe that’s not true

but also i know i’m not usually trying because every time i do try it never lasts, i always just let everyone and myself down again so what is even the point?  when i do muster up the effort everyone acts surprised and makes fun of me, or says stuff along the lines of “wonder how long that will last”

i want to prove them wrong but also i get resentful of that, so it becomes this cycle of building myself up to making the effort, being made to feel small and ashamed again, then getting angry and stubbornly refusing to keep it up because i don’t want to give them the satisfaction

and i know that reaction is childish but like...i don’t feel like anyone in my close family has ever respected me or thought of me as an adult but every time i complain about that i just get told to act like one which in turn makes me feel ashamed again, which isn’t really a state of mind i have ever found conducive to improvement

it was not an immediate thing, it’s a process, i’m still in it, but just choosing to trust in that did...some crazy things to how my brain functions

i think it’s what religious people mean when they talk about giving it up to god, it’s just trusting, even when you’re in free fall, that something will catch you even if you have no evidence

and for a while i really thought i was just more Broken by all of this because it seems to be affecting me the most, but my cousin recently suggested to me that maybe the reason i was so non-functional compared to my mom and bro was that i’m just worse at ignoring shit and feel more in a more immediate way

and he like commended me for seeking help and said he thought i’d dealt with it more than anyone else

and like wtf why have i been so down on myself for this?

i’m IN PAIN, something HORRIBLE happened to me and it’s rough and awful and confusing and life changing and WHY have i been defining my worth by how quickly i can function again?  it’s not even about recovery, it’s about how quickly can get back to normal so i can quit being a burden.

I don't currently do commissions due to me not having time to do so in the first place but the past couple of weeks or hell even months has got me thinking and realizing that I actually DO have lots of spare time and I just pretend I have lots of stuff to do. I'm basically lying to myself. All that time staring at my desktop wondering what to do really tells something eh?

Welp, those thoughts may push forth soon but I'm still unsure bout this. I may start thinking about prices and stuff (tbh $5 always pops up in my head when I think of prices) and I may have to plan this out thoroughly.