angsty, short, minor physical violence (a slap across the face), male bias insert
basically just the scenario i imagined as i was falling asleep last night.
He kisses me.
He kisses me hard, with deep intent and passion. It's not just him trying to prove his stupid point. It's him wanting to kiss me.
I kiss back, almost unbeknownst to myself. As if it wasn't a conscious me falling victim to his charm. Or at least that's what I tried to tell myself afterwards.
The kiss lasts for about 10 seconds. I pull away fast, semi-gasping in the process, and instantly slapping him across the face.
He's silent as I walk away, but he soon follows me into the other room.
He finds me just standing there, facing the wall and breathing deeply. He stands next to me, remaining silent for a moment. We both just stare at the wall. No eye contact...
"You can't just keep pretending. What's so bad about wanting to be with me?"
I don't say anything.
"What's the problem with me, huh?"
"Can you just shut up?"
"No! I can't. I can't shut up when you kiss me like that and still pretend that you don't like me. So why? Is it just some 'feelings are hard' bullshit?"
"If I say yes, can we stop talking about this?"
He's silent again, allowing that question to simply fade out before speaking again.
"Be honest with me for once in your life. Can you do that?" He takes my lack of response as a yes and proceeds, now turning his whole body to face me as I continue looking at the wall. But I can see him in my peripheral vision. "If I kissed you again, would you push me away?"
The question weighs heavy in the air as he steps closer to me and the tension between us grows.
"If I kissed you again... just like I did a minute ago... would you hit me again?"
I lose my staring contest with the wall, finally turning my head to face him, with full intention to hold a stern expression and give him a confident "yes" in response...
But there's something about his eyes. There's just something about the soul those eyes look into that causes me to soften in my already vulnerable state. I truly believe my desire for him is the worst thing about me.
And so, even though if you asked me today, I would swear up and down that I acted against my conscience will...
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