#bgjournal

I just can’t help this insane feeling of rage and protection I get when I think that Nick was alone with him. I know logically that Hunter wouldn’t dare try to pull something, but I still don’t trust him. And because I don’t trust him, I’m not ready to let Nick be alone with him. And it really is just this vicious cycle.

Part one - Nick loves me, and I love him back.

It seriously took me way too long to figure it out, but I think part of me has known for a while. Probably even before I ever read Nick’s journal and found out about how he felt. But now everything it out in the open between us and I’ve never felt better. Everything for the past week and a half has just felt amazing, and I honestly feel like I’m on cloud nine right now. Hell, I’ve been on cloud nine for a while now, and I might as well take up permanent residence because that’s just how Nick makes me feel. 

I know it’s dangerous to love my claim, especially after we saw what happened to Hunter. I can’t imagine ever losing Nick, just the thought of it...But we’ve always been careful, and we always will be careful. There’s too much to lose to start being reckless now. We just need to keep it up until Nick pays off his debt and I’m ready to face my responsibilities. Then we’ll make a new life for ourselves and everything will be perfect. We just have to wait for that day to come.

Part two - We moved.

I believe we’re in Southern Chile now. It’s definitely different from the island, but it’s new. It feels right given everything. Fresh place, fresh start. It makes it really easy to be a new person And I think that’s what a lot of us need right now. I think that’s what I need right now. My life has changed so much since Nick crashed into it and made himself known. It’s really funny considering how he’s always just been there. Now he’s front and center.

Part three - My sister is here.

I didn’t fully understand why it had to be me until I started going over my grandpa’s estate and realized my dad had been cut out of the will. I feel kind of bad about that. I mean, I understand that grandpa never forgave him for what happened back in high school...but I know that feeling. I know what it’s like for your dad to refuse to acknowledge that you exist. And it hurts so much. So I guess I can relate. But the difference is that I tried. I worked hard and I fought to get back into his good graces, he never changed. 

Even now he thinks I’m completely wasting my time. But he can’t stop me, not anymore. I’m finally happy, I’m not going to sacrifice everything that I have to go back to that life. I just can’t give up N–

[gets up because Nick is looking for his journal. Comes back later that evening to finish]

Cra–No. Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Fuck my fucking life.

Nick is in love with me. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I did it and now I can’t take it back. But it was just LAYING there, and the page was sticking out, and it’s not like I’m not entitled to read his journal or anything. But dammit, I really shouldn’t have because now I know. I KNOW. How do I deal with KNOWING this now?

Nick is love with me.

Nick is in love with me.

I don’t know how I’m suppose to react to that. Most masters would kill for that, to have their slave so loyal and obedient to them that they loved them. But this isn’t the same, I know it’s not. Nothing about us is the way it’s suppose to be. Now it’s more dangerous than ever. This isn’t the first time Nick had feelings about me. And now that they’re back...I just...I don’t understand.

Why me? What’s there to love about me? He’s confused. He has to be. Stockholm Syndrome or something, I don’t know. But I’ve never had someone love me before. I don’t know how to react to it under normal circumstances. I sure as hell don’t know what to do now. Maybe I should just ignore it. That would be a good idea, just pretend that I didn’t read it. Then nothing can go wrong...right?

Oh, and you know what the worst part is? EVERYTHING makes so much more sense now.

Fuck.