Broadcasts from Nowhere - Pilot
List of Episodes | Audio
Summary: A new radio host reports on an even newer law passed by City Council to give employees 'vacations'. Plus, an update to Night Vale's second Dog Park and a enigmatic forecast of the weather.
You know, a lot of people pose the age-old question: what came first, the chicken... or the egg?
People will generally have an answer of their own, offering reasons why they themselves are correct and all others false in their belief.
But does it even matter?
The chicken and egg are both equally small beneath the infinitesimal weight of the universe, both helpless to the onslaught of time, both eventually returning to the very stardust and void that created them in the first place.
And the correct answer, as a reminder from the Sheriff's Secret Police's existential question task force, is a frog. Anyone who answers differently will be immediately confiscated for re-education and fined up to 500 dollars or the equivalent worth in trade secrets.
Listeners, here are your Broadcasts from nowhere.
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City Council has enacted a new law earlier today. In a press conference scheduled only three minutes after it was announced, they decreed that vacations are now a concept that legally exist, and that places of employment are required to give employees paid time off according to the hours that they work over a scheduled period. Applicable work activities can include but are not limited to: hiding from government agencies, taking part in government-sponsored cover-ups, authorized community service, childcare, existing on Wednesdays, existing on non-Wednesdays, and golfing.
There has been some push back to this new law, with many citizens claiming that it is not the right of local government to decide how employers compensate their workers.
"Back in my day, we didn't even get a paycheck," said Night Vale citizen and worker Tristan Fetch. "We simply wandered out into the desert and returned home without a memory of how we had spent the day, pockets full of bloodstones, paper clips and the occasional empty chapstick tube." He continued talking about the various employment traditions of Night Vale past, but unfortunately it was in an ancient language that nobody could translate, so I can only assume that was what he was still talking about.
When asked him to elaborate or perhaps switch to a language that could be understood, Fetch simply shook his head and vanished into a thin puff of ashy black smoke, and could not be later located for further questions. He left behind the lingering feeling of wistful love for things that were that never again will be, and a general discontent with the youth of today.
One particularly passionate citizen has been seen protesting just outside the Night Vale radio station. Many of you may know him as the main host of news here at the station as well local workaholic who really needs to take a few days off every now and again, Cecil Palmer.
When asked for comment, he said, "If I want to work an exhaustive number of hours beyond what is physically possible by the laws of space-time, the that is my right as an American citizen! How will the station function without me? Who will remember to check the mail?"
Cecil was then removed from the premises by members of the Sheriff's Secret Police and reminded, 'Please, Cecil, we can't keep doing this.' This marks the third time he has been escorted away from the station during his legally-mandated vacation that, as a reminder, had begun yesterday.
For listeners who do not possess omnipotence--and our condolences go out to you--the person who is current updating you on the Night Vale news is senior Intern Daniel Van Heler. The same one who had been declared dead after an unfortunate run-in with a door that led to nowhere--after being declared un-dead by an ominous hooded figure and a doctor with a questionable medical degree, I've been assigned to fill in for Cecil whenever he is out of the station.
While I know we can all appreciate his dedication to radio journalism, recent events have made clear that having some time away from work is integral to a healthy mind, body, and is also now a punishable offense.
I hope that you all can enjoy the sound of my voice when I'm filling in for our beloved radio host; if not, then please make sure to notate any feedback you have on the commentary card that has been placed inside of your wallet when you weren't looking. If you do not possess a wallet, then you can find it inside your government-assigned citizen's information file. If you do not have that, then a member of the Sheriff's Secret Police is already at your doorstep.
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The city council has announced the opening of a brand new, state-of-the-art dog park off the corner of Earl and Valleyview. No, notĀ thatĀ dog park, aĀ newĀ dog park! A completely separate dog park that does not at all have any relationship to any other dog park that may or may not exist just two blocks away on the corner of Earl and Somerset.
This one, simply called 'the dog park' by city council--please do not confuse it with theĀ otherĀ one--is open to people, dogs, secret police, surveillance drones, and cats that act like dogs.
There are a variety of amenities available, and a strong non-electrified fence around the perimeter, which means you can let your canine companion loose as long as they play nicely with others!
Strange hooded figures are not found at this new dog park, but they can still be found at the old dog park, staring on at anyone who passes by and enters into the new park with a gaze that can only be described as 'haunting, as if staring into the heavy eyes of someone who should not be, but yet they are'.
Listeners, I bet those hooded figures are just jealous!
We've never seen one with an actual dog, after all, so I wonder if they just can't stand not being able to check out this neat new dog park we have built! If you're listening and you have a dog, or are just interested in a little extra government surveillance in your life, then you should absolutely check it out the next time you're out for a walk!
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Do youĀ likeĀ numbers? Do you like hearing peopleĀ sayĀ numbers? For an inexplicably long amount of time, perhaps?
Have you ever wanted to know what the largest prime number is?
If you said yes to any one of these questions--or if because you are legally mandated to do so by recent changes in city law--then make sure to tune in to 'Reciting Prime Numbers Until We Reach the End Or Pass Out From Sleep Deprivation'.
This exciting new segment will be hosted by our very own Cecil Palmer and guest star 'Vsauce, Michael Here', known better by his middle name Michael. I'm sure some listeners may recognize him from before City Council had declared Youtube a website that doesn't actually exist, and the two of them will be explaining how someone can find the largest countable prime number simply by listing each one in chronological order. Maybe this will help make math easier for some of us, eh?
The first part will air tomorrow evening at 5pm Central Standard time, and will end after Cecil and Michael reach the largest countable prime number or until they succumb to the needs of their mortal bodies and pass out in the recording booth.
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Next up, lets take a look at what the weather is like here in Night Vale.
Listeners, I know that you are used to a particular way that Cecil announces the weather, but unfortunately I do not possess certain inethreal skills such as 'having permission' and 'copyright' for all that weather forecasting, so I've decided to try a couple different things to give you all an equally qualified and arguably accurate experience!
So, for the next thirty seconds, I want you to close your eyes and envision the sky.
What color is it? Are there any clouds? Ominous dark shapes sitting on the horizon? Does the air feel cold against your imagined skin? Warm? Can you hear a low humming without a discernible origin? Ignore that humming, ignore the ominous dark shapes that seem to be getting closer with every glance towards them.
There are large hills around you. Not mountains, since they don't exist, but they tower high above you on every side and reach far into the heavens. Are they watching you? Judging you? Are these a barrier to keep you safe, or a cage to keep you trapped?
Do you even want to know the answer?
Now, listeners, open your eyes. Do you feel better? Perhaps even a little refreshed?
Wonderful! Try your best to take this feeling and carry it with you today, and pay no mind or attention to the prophetic visions you'll have tonight. Hopefully I've also passed on the forecast in your local area for the next 72 hours. Make sure to have an umbrella in your car!
On an unrelated note listeners, having a blank journal next to your bed can be a fantastic way to help you record and remember your dreams! After all, you can never be sure when you'll be granted a flash of creativity, doom, accurate weather predictions, or the next winning numbers to the mega millions lottery.
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An update on the new law requiring employers to give their workers vacation time, which also now legally exists: while some citizens still dislike the requirement, others have started to speak openly in favor of vacation hours, even citing that it has already begun to boost the local economy of Night Vale.
Mary Smith, owner of Night Vale's most popular pastry shop, said, "I'm seeing a lot more people coming into my store. The extra hours of free time they have now means they can actually do stuff outside of work, like buying my pastries--which in all honesty is a new experience in itself. I don't think I've ever had a customer before. Or sold a pastry before. Huh. When did I start this business again?"
Mary thought she had more to say, but was too preoccupied in personal revelations to offer very much after that.
Suffice to say listeners, I'd have to agree that the new law is helping to boost several sectors of Nightvale's economy! We're already getting word of at least a dozen small businesses and a few franchises that have been discovered along Main Street as places that exist, and all of them are starting to get wonderful reviews on Yelp! I even hear that our beloved radio host Cecil was spotted having a lovely lunch date with Carlos with some of his accrued vacation time.
Since we're coming up to the end of this broadcast section, I myself might even have to go see some of these new hot spots of the town for myself. I hear one of them sells some really delicious ice cream, and I'll be sure to update you all on it on my next broadcast, which will be whenever you turn on your radio next and least expect to hear my voice.
In the meantime, please stay tuned for the sound of rushing water that will make you think you've left the faucet on, even though you've checked at least three times already.
So goodnight, Nightvale.
Goodnight.
