#beyondtwo.com

An old friend from school recently told me about a lost love he'd burned 20 years ago when he didn't know how good he had it until he lost her. He said he'd been with a slew of women but loved no one and tried to find her for years until he finally did in February this year. She doesn't want to take him back, but hooked up with him a month ago, then reneged on her feelings, saying she'd moved on and was dating someone else. I asked him out of curiosity if he'd ever share her with someone else, and become poly for her. He said absolutely not. Oddly enough a couple days after I posed that question she contacted him and asked if he would still love her if she was with someone else - indirectly inferring a desire to be polyandrous, just not using the term. He decided to walk. I guess 5 years ago I would've walked too, but now that I'm older, I understand compersion and find it almost, for lack of better word, comical? hypocritical? ironic? that someone could describe this true love -- and then walk away from it all despite the fact I'm sure he's bedded more women than her.  Correction: I'm sure he's bedded more women than she has men. AND I'm also sure he's bedded more women than she has, haha.

  They were in their 20s at the time so they're still young now. The way I see it, if someone is really that worth it you have to take a few steps back and weigh how far you are willing to go to step out of that "comfort zone" to not lose them a second time around.

  Practically everyone I know is vanilla, and among those, half can't hold a steady relationship for more than 3-4 years. Everyone wants their home run and are trying to get married. I was tired of seeing my friends go from guy to guy to guy or girl to girl to girl; seemed like a waste of time. They all do the same thing with each partner and say the same cliche things and post the same pics on Facebook, it's kind of funny how people dance around each other in relationships. Poly relationships are fine, so long as one partner isn't being forced with an ultimatum to be in one, especially when it started out mono.

  If I was in my friend's shoes and I loved my lost love the way he described it (I don't know her) I wouldn't mind sharing her. Better to have the "only woman I ever loved" than not. Her happiness is mine, I know she loves me, right? So what's the prob? I don't have to worry about her cheating if she has me and the other guy she wants, it's all out in the open, no doubts. That's my take on it.

  The chick who is involved with my friend, from my understanding, is torn between the new guy she is dating and him. That she asked him to consider that scenario my guess is she is mulling over deciding between the two (rather than making a straight decision to ditch my friend, ha). My friend broke her heart (his fault) and that he was looking for her for YEARS gives me the impression he really wanted her back. SO, I don't think it's a big deal to get her back, even if it means she has another, so long as she isn't with my friend and with half of Canada. It's just 1 other dude. I think it's kind of funny she had another guy in the sidelines she didn't tell him about though. LOL Well played.

  I respect his decision that he is walking away from the situation - I'm just [a little] frustrated because he goes on and on about this lost love he's trying to win back for 3 hours and then passes it up. *slaps forehead* Whatever.

  My other friend asked what I'd do in his position.  If I broke their heart and the break up was MY fault and if this person was truly someone I loved and wanted to give it a second go I'd be whatever they wanted this time around, mono or poly. It's my "true love", right? I don't believe in a one true love but this guy says he does.  It's probably that he idealized the woman.  Otherwise, if the woman was THAT amazing then I don't see why he could only be happy if she was with him and no one else. Restricting a person to no one else, ever, is not the same as being allowed to be with more than one person.

Matt and I have been best friends since junior high.  We had practically everything in common with each other to the point where we could finish each other's sentences and yet, although classmates often asked why we weren't an item, we didn't see each other in that way.  I don't think it ever was a passing thought, at least not to me. 

  During college Matt and I each had our long-term relationships with people we'd met from school.  And despite being in relationships that grew to be serious we remained close friends, even when our significant others weren't always so enthused by how close we were.  We always maintained a level of respect and space for one another it really wasn't a problem after our significant others met us, and we were all on the same page.  There were never boundaries crossed or any indication to either of significant others that we had any intention of dating.

  After college, my relationship went south, as my ex moved away for graduate school and ultimately couldn't take the distance.  It had taken some time for me to grow to love him, but when I did, I was committed for life.  The breakup was disappointing, knowing that he could not stay strong enough to maintain a relationship that definitely would have led to marriage, given that we'd already discussed it and had spent half a decade with each other.  I thought I knew my boyfriend well, but it became apparent to him that not having me physically around caused his eyes and heart to wander.  

  Matt went on to grad school at the same undergrad we graduated from and although I had moved a couple hours to the university I was now at for graduate school, upon hearing the news of my heartbreak, he dropped everything and drove out to see me.  It was a sweet gesture, opening the door after days holing myself inside in my pajamas, with puffy, swollen eyes and a box of Kleenex--and seeing him with a bouquet of tulips, Thai take out food and Scrabble board.  He always managed to make me smile, no matter how bad I was feeling. 

  Two years later I was still single.  My school did not have a very good view of anything so I rode out my time and hoped the real world upon graduating would be better.  It wasn't.  I joined dating sites, went on dates, it was all an epic fail, in the funniest way possible.  So much that my friends said I should write a book and continue going on dates so that I would have fodder for my book.  But it was too much, so after a year of bad dates, I gave up altogether.

  A year later Matt's relationship ended just shy of eight years.  I was the first one at his side at the bar buying him shots.  It wasn't meant to be we said but who were we kidding?  Only shmucks say that shit.  We're not the kind of people who leave things up to chance and yet we were somehow at the whim of destiny and all that hokey pokey shit when it came to dating.  It was frustrating I said, taking another shot of patron.  "Why don't we just fuck and call it a day?" 

  Turning in his stool to face me he said, "Why not?  We're not ugly.  At least that's what my mom says."  I don't know if it was lowered inhibitions but that night Matt and I made out and what happens from there is history.  We were both attracted to each other but because we were raised to only be with only one person, we each had someone else in mind to settle down with.  But if it came down to being able to have more than one partner, he and I were perfect for each other.  And so that was when we decided to be polyamorous.  We made an agreement that we would put each other first and on its face, would project ourselves to our vanilla friends as an exclusive, monogamous couple.  In reality, we had our own relationships.  Over the years some have failed and others remained but one thing was certain for each of us: it was the peace of mind knowing we had each other, no matter what, which is not something I could ever guarantee from being in a relationship with one man. 

  For a time we thought there weren't that many people like us.  We didn't even know we had a polyamory relationship until recently.  Up until then we really didn't give it a title, nor were we interested in finding out what its title was.  What we have is not necessarily open, and we weren't swinging.  We each wanted committed relationships, with the same responsibilities expected of from a person in a regular relationship.

I am in control in practically all aspects of my life.  It has been this way for me for a long while now.  And although it probably came to be this way out of circumstance due to my father leaving the family early on in my life, I assure that does not make me someone who is defective or with "daddy issues."  The responsibility fell upon my mom to care for my brothers and sisters alone, and because I was the eldest son, I went to work early in high school to supplement the costs to run the household, working at a grocery store and then branching out to a law mowing business in addition to delivering newspapers.  The newspaper deliveries were early in the morning, so I often fell asleep during class.  But when I brought home my wages to my mother it was all worth it.

I went to law school out of college and then joined the military afterwards, when the economy did not yield many high paying jobs.  The market for graduates in my town in Virginia was saturated, and so I joined the military for a three year stint, and then was on call for duty for the next eight years.  I did a campaign in Kuwait for about six months and saw things I didn't want to see.  Because of my education my wages were slightly higher due to my officer position.  I did not enjoy being in the military but I learned how to have a deep loyalty with friends, both on and off the battlefield.  

Working for other people was not in my blood.  I didn't like taking orders from another attorney and so after a year in practice, I opened up my own, then expanded it to later acquire a suite in downtown LA for 10 more attorneys to join my office.  Time became scarce for awhile, until I was able to get more help, then pass the work onto new graduates coming into my practice.  Suddenly I had some extra time I didn't know what to do with.  I decided it was probably a good time in my life to settle down with someone and do what everyone else in the world seemed to do at my age.

I went on a series of dates and became serious with someone for a number of years.  I moved to California to be with her and not long after I settled in did she decide she wasn't ready to settle down.  I was heart broken for the first time in my life.  It was not pleasant, nor was it a feeling I ever wanted to feel.  I spent the next couple of years having superficial relationship after superficial relationship, and although I fulfilled my sexual needs, it did not satiate much more than that.  I was aloof with the women I involved myself with, and sometimes I hurt people I didn't mean to hurt before going awhile with no one in my life except the bottle.  My friends began to get married and move away, with lives of their own and I found myself again, alone, wondering where I went wrong and how I would ever find it within myself to be happy.  

It occurred to me one night, while talking to my mother over the phone, that I was living selfishly.  She asked when was the last time I had ever gone out of my way for someone.  I couldn't answer her.  I had never in my life taken care of anyone personally, only to the extent I did with my family, financially.  Aside from that I was hands off in dealing with anyone on a personal level, and because the age gap between me and my younger siblings was almost by eight years I found little in common with them to have any real connection other than blood.  Per my mother's suggestion I decided to explore charity and pro bono work to take the focus off myself and concentrate on helping others.  I also took the time to better myself in other ways, taking martial arts and spending more time creating and doing creative things than wasting my time watching sports and movies, being entertained.  When I began expending energy to create and put forth things rather than take in things from being entertained in front of a computer screen or television set, I felt better about myself.

I met Sophie at a pro bono event put on by a local public interest law firm, handling a range of uncomplicated cases from dissolutions of marriage to TROs on tenant evictions and the like.  Sophie was a hard as nails attorney who did not practice law, but did pro bono on the side.  Her primary business was in real estate, and this she excelled in.  From the moment I laid eyes on her I was completely enamored by her wit, charm and command of any room she entered.  We began seeing each other over drinks and dinner after evening clinics, initially with other attorneys who lingered afterwards, to just with each other.  I loved learning more and more about her.  Every new thing about her that I learned made me even more addicted to her.  

I asked her one night after dinner if she had a boyfriend and her response, while very much like what you'd expect from an attorney, took me aback.  "Define boyfriend," she said.  It turned out that she had several.  I was in shock then, oddly, incredibly turned on.  It made sense, a woman of such poise and so well put together, putting everything in their place in life, including her men.  She told me that they dated her exclusively, to which my initial response was whether they ever became irritated having to share her time.  She leaned in to me and, I will never forget this, said, "I am always in the mood, if that's what you're asking.  The only person who ever goes without is me."  From then on she had me.  I became part of a polyandrous relationship.  All that polyandry means is a relationship where the woman has several men, or male "spouses."  For its intents and purposes in the States and in modern times, that extends to boyfriends, given that women here cannot marry multiple men.  

I recently came across a polyamory discussion group online and saw some positive comments from other members to a post for a polyamory dating site.  I didn't know what polyamory was to begin with until I found the forum, having followed a "like" from someone's profile of a girl I happen to like, but didn't want to confront just yet.  I wanted to see what her interests were.  As it turned out she also had a profile setup on this page.

www.BeyondTwo.com is a free, new social networking and dating site for polyamory singles, couples and families.  I was curious to see what I'd find.  The categories were extensive, covering everything from lifestyle situation, gender, smoking, drinking habits, in addition to your run-of-the-mill dating site questions.  What differentiates it from other dating sites is that the questions in the profile are specific to polyamory people, which can be a mouthful.  

The sun casts a warm, orange glow into my room through the ivory colored horizontal blinds.  I roll out of bed, walk to the window and swiftly yank the cord, shutting the blinds before sauntering back to bed like a weary bear, collapsing from exhaustion.  I don’t want to get up today--especially today.  The day is spent studying, but nothing sinks in.  I can’t focus.  I feel hopelessly numb and lethargic, with no appetite to speak of.  I turn off my phone and leave it on the nightstand, burying my face in pillows, hoping this has all been just some bad dream that will come to pass.  I don’t want to hear from anyone.  The unwanted advice to go clubbing, get wasted or hook up with a fling become increasingly annoying, coming from single girls who want nothing more than what I had with someone they could call their own. 

All I want to do is lay in bed, wallowing in self pity, listening to “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”—on repeat.  It’s a sad day to be alone on what would have been a five year anniversary to someone I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with.  KFC for dinner with stacked law books and piles of paper at my kitchen table, staring blankly at a computer screen of lecture notes for midterms that no longer mattered to me.  I stare out my kitchen window to see a car pull up to the guest parking of the luxury apartment complex I was living at during my first year of law school.  I watched, as the guy gets out of the car and walks over to the passenger door to let his girl out, as they take each other arm in arm and go up the stairs to their humble abode. 

I turned back at my work, sighing heavily.  Dead silence at my kitchen table, a lone silhouette as the sun was slowly setting.  The only part of my life I thought I had control over was amiss, as I realized it was back to the drawing board, drowning my sorrows in tumbler after tumbler of orange juice on the rocks.

Why do we put ourselves in positions like this?  Why do we, like dumb animals prone to mindless repetition, put the most vulnerable parts of ourselves when we care about someone, on a chopping block, entrusting them with its care without any kind of checks or balances?  I don’t hedge my bets in a single stock or type of investment; why should I do so in matters of the heart—because society deems it necessary and socially acceptable?  As I down my last glass of orange juice for the night I thought of all the better guys I’d passed up over the years because I didn’t believe in selling someone down the river for someone better.  The thought of having three boyfriends who loved me to death never even crossed my mind.  It was not an option I even knew about, let alone gave any thought about.  All I knew were the people in my life in relationships, many with interpersonal problems who came to me to talk or seek out my advice, and yet despite this I believed that I’d somehow come out of the dating and monogamy game on top, an anomaly because I’d bank of having chosen the right person, like winning in roulette.

Fast forward two years later, still single.  I sat in the car with one of my best friends from law school, who recently broke the news to me of her engagement with her first and only longtime college sweetheart.  We'd just gotten out of our last class for the night, at 9:45, had dinner nearby and were now sitting in her car.  I was in the early stages of seeing someone at the time.  My friend (we'll call her Marilyn) told me of how envious she was that I was seeing someone "with money" because of his line of work, as opposed to her fiance who she knew would not be the breadwinner of their relationship.  Unbeknownst to her, although perhaps it may have inadvertently slipped out by the expression on my face or intonation of my voice, it sicked me how she could base a relationship on how much money someone was making.  It didn't seem right, and it was certainly not why I was seeing who I was seeing. 

Marilyn also mentioned from time to time a guy in our class, who'd occasionally have brief exchanges with her in passing, and despite the fact he was also engaged, it was evident the two had an attraction toward one another, though it was unclear to me to what extent.  In the end neither acted on their inhibitions, as each went their separate way. As our graduation date grew near and the impending fact that we'd be leaving law school into the work force became more clear it seemed that Marilyn became more annoyed that her soon-to-be- husband was not who she wanted, financially.

"Hey," she said, turning to me.  "Do you think James is cute?"  "Yes," I said, turning my head to face the windshield, looking straight ahead out into the sea of parked cars that night, "but he's only cute relative to the rest of our class.  If you think he's cute, you're going to have a hell of a time when you get out there and work at big firms with way cuter men out there."  "I know," she said, sighing. "When you were with Tom, did you ever have doubts?"  Without skipping a beat I replied, "No."  And that was the last time Marilyn ever mentioned any inclinations about other men to me.

She invited me to the wedding, but I didn't go, and for a long time afterward she was pretty angry with me.  Marilyn and her husband had met through church and from what I heard about him as well as how he was when I met him, I couldn't stomach the idea of showing up at their wedding and looking him in the face, knowing that their marriage was doomed to fail.  And not surprisingly, last year after 5 years of marriage, they divorced... right in line with the statistic in California that over half of marriages end in divorce within the first six years.             

During this time the guy I was seeing suggested that I try polyandry.  He helped me realize a lot of things about life I never opened myself up to before.  You can go through life keeping your head in the sand, denying the world around you or you can realize people for who they are and act accordingly by taking control of your environment and maximizing what you want out of life by being proactive about it.  People are like animals, whose purpose in life is to find what they want and seize it.  Then, when they are tired of what they have or find something better, they move onto that.  I think in this day and age men have in general figured out not to put up with a woman's crap but unfortunately, women have not stopped begging over men, like dogs.  Little girls should not have expectations that people are going to do what they're supposed to do.  Little girls should be raised to be judgmental and opinionated, not taking things as they are but understanding that to get what you want out of life, you have to create your own destiny and not rely on a man to get you there.

The best thing I ever did with my life was take it upon myself to become polyandrous.  Not only was it due to the realization that I needed more than one person to substantiate everything I want in a partner, it also empowered me to strive for a better life for myself and not settle for less, and not be so co-dependent on a partner but rather, be independent.  

There are many sites online these days for dating, but not many for niche dating, like sites for people who have what is called "alt life" or alternative lifestyles.  I have seen many groups on Facebook for people all over the world who are into certain relationships, separated in small groups.  But upon visiting those groups I didn't see a feasible way to view any kind of profile or find people based on what you're looking for.  Then I saw a site called www.BeyondTwo.com that someone posted in one of the polyamory groups.  

I like that BeyondTwo.com has people from all over the world joining.  Just today I was messaging with people from Venezuela, India and Chile, interested in polyamory but didn't know where they could go to find more like-minded people.  At least three people from India have told me that because their country is so strict, they are willing to relocate.  Because poly people are so few and far between compared to the rest of the single population pool, you are really limiting yourself by restricting your search to a specific region.  The best way to find what you're looking for is to expand the search, sometimes outside your country.  

Read an article today written by someone who works in palliative care about the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed, and while it didn't surprise me what I read, it put things into perspective.  In a nutshell it was everything from not working so hard, not maintaining golden friendships to not making the choice in life to be happy.  But the number one regret was this:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

Many people don't take the leap of faith to be who they want to be or live how they want to live.  In some cases this extends to who they want to be WITH.  Despite the perceived notion that we live in a time where people can look past differences, society is still by and large very set in its ways to ridicule what's not thought to be mainstream or "normal."  Polyamory is perceived as a deviation from the norm because we are taught from a young age to pair bond with one person for the rest of our lives.  Divorce rates, the statistics that show 50 percent of children live with one parent and infidelity statistics show how this, while in theory is nice, does not play out that way in practice.  What we aren't taught from a young age is that people are fickle.  Relationships don't always last, and to expect someone to love us unconditionally for the rest of their life is a tall order and miracle at best.

http://www.karenstan.net/2013/11/11/nurse-reveals-top-5-regrets-people-make-deathbed/ 

A friend of mine had been married for 15 years to her husband before she was diagnosed with cancer.  Before she married her husband she was dating another man and felt that she had to make a choice to choose one continue a normal course onto marriage.  During her time in treatment upon her cancer diagnosis her husband cheated on her with her best friend.  When she found out what had happened she left for Hawaii and spent the next two weeks with the man she said, in retrospect, she should have married, as he loved her in spite of everything, including who she was with.  Not everyone is as lucky to go back and spend time with the person they should have stayed with.  

We are indoctrinated with the false pretense that we have to choose one person over another, and sell the latter down the river, basing relationships on exclusivity rather than inclusivity.  It is no way to live.  Polyamory can be a viable alternative to monogamy.  It can also reveal to us before it's too late and separate the people who truly love us from those who give us the false belief that they will be for us no matter what.  

“Monogamy is invented for order and investment – but not necessarily because it’s ‘natural.’”  — Pepper Schwartz

Marriage doesn't cause a person to feel no attraction toward other people. People are bound to be attracted to others regardless of their marital status. The ability to stay exclusive to someone is solely dependent on the agreement one makes with your partner if you want to practice monogamy or not.

I am polyandrous and have had two boyfriends since I was in my twenties while working for a government entity that does research on transdermal and airborne disease.  Because of the high security clearance the government knows everything about my life, including my two boyfriends.  They work with me and we get along well.  We never fight because there is no reason to fight, as everything flows to me.  I recently found another boyfriend from a free, new poly dating site that my friend found called www.BeyondTwo.com.  

My friends ask me how my boyfriends can be happy sharing one person, specifically when they want sex.  To that I reply that the only one who goes without is me.  I can never get enough.  Because my boyfriends take care of everything around the house, I have no worries when I get home.  They pay the bills, clean up and cook.  It's a good situation that works for us.  Not everyone can lead a polyandrous lifestyle, but I can't see my life being any other way.  Although I don't say it I know that I am fortunate to have found two guys who happened to be working alongside me at work.  Even so, it was not hard finding a third, with the right site.  I tried other poly dating sites, but there are free and far between unfortunately.