#betterstrongerwiser

As I was driving to work this morning, I had a realization that hit me like a ton of bricks. Tomorrow marks one year since I had surgery to remove my failed pregnancy. Time moves so fast, I almost didn't even catch it.

I distinctly remember the doctor appointments leading up to the surgery. The fear and confusion that swept through me when I saw an empty gestational sac during my first ultrasound. I clearly remember being stoic and strong. A tiny voice in my head saying "This can't be happening... this wouldn't be happening." I vividly recall the horrible explosive feeling of my appendix, two days later, threatening to burst as I tried to remain calm in the emergency room. My ER doctor was shocked (and even a hint excited) that he had a pregnant patient with appendicitus. "I've read about this in the textbooks in med school, but never seen it," he said with a smile. I remember appreciating the upbeat attitude of my nurse, who consoled me with the fact that my hormone levels were perfect to sustain an early pregnancy. But, several ultrasounds later, two things were certain. My appendix was ready to burst, and there was no fetus to be found. Moments later, I was prepped for surgery and blind as a bat (I wear pretty strong corrective eye glasses), being asked if I want to have a D&C at the same time as my appendectomy. The decision had to be quick and fairly uninformed, but I said yes. If I'm going to miscarry, I want it to be over with so that I can move on and continue trying.

I've written extensively about it before, so I don't need to rehash everything that happened afterward. Looking back on it, and realizing that it has been an entire year since that day, I do not feel sad or scared. I feel immensely proud. I remained strong in that hospital room. I made the right decisions for my body. I overcame the depression that followed. I overcame the fear of trying again. I used the fear and sadness and overwhelming emotions to thrust myself forward into a new level of spiritual and emotional greatness. The past year has been extremely difficult, but I have learned more about myself and my relationships because of it.